Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

She's batshit.
Better to tell her the truth.
If she has a go at you, then just give here a very, very wide berth from now on.

If she's a good friend and you explain that you passed them on and didn't realise she would have wanted them back as she said she'd already taken the sentimental bits out, well okay maybe she'll be a little bit annoyed but surely it's not that big of a deal, and not worth falling out over? Just explain to her.

Wow I've been given/bought a few bags of clothes for baby due in October . They are still bagged up as I got them but now I'm wondering if I should make sure they stay separate in case someone is petty!

Bloody Hell, what kind of clothes are these?
They can't be your usual supermarket/Matalan bits and pieces

However I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) I think this is a bit tight. If I wasn't going to pass the clothes onto anyone else, I'd ask the friend what she wanted me to do with the bits that were stained. I don't think I would actually cut up the clothes!

8 pages for you to essentially say - sorry but you didn’t say it was a loan so handed them on.

You could of sent the message hours ago rather than all this stress.

OP what did you decide to text your friend with?

OP, there's another dynamic to this and to your friendship, I think, given a) her request in the first place, and b) your prevarication, which has involved 180-odd messages. What is really going on here?

Currently pregnant and have been given 3 lots of baby clothes already from friends/relatives - lot 1 were obviously worn though still had some use in, friend said explicitly ‘there’s a good bit of wear left in them so they’ll do you for a bit at home/for sleeping in before you chuck them’,
lot 2 friend said ‘keep the bits you want and feel free to pass on or bin the rest’ and lot 3 (much of which was brand new with tags although very pink and girly and we don’t know what we’re having) - the giver said ‘if you end up having a boy and don’t want to dress him in pink just take it to the charity shop - that’s all I was going to do’.

So in my experience people are generally quite specific about whether they’re given/ loaned. One of the givers above has also ‘given’ me a sling and some maternity clothes but specifically said ‘I would like these back when you’re done with them’, so that’s good that I know.

If your friend didn’t make it clear it is on her.

However, as pps have said, I do think this should be tackled soon with just one of the texts that have been suggested. Hopefully you’ve done that already. If you’re such good friends this really shouldn’t cause a big problem.

This is why I don’t want other people’s baby clothes. People have offered me before and, with DD1, I politely accepted them whilst not really wanting them because I wasn’t brave enough to say no. Someone offered this time and I very quickly said thanks but no thanks as I’m having another girl so will mostly be reusing.

I also love shopping for baby and children clothes and don’t want to put my baby in bobbly, misshaped things. I am lucky enough that I can afford to buy new.

As PPa have said, you’re going to have to be honest and give back what you can.

Does your friend want the clothes or her mum does?

Just explain the situation to her

*PPs

I meant to add that I will never lend things I want back. The likelihood is it won’t come back in the condition you want even if you’ve made it clear you want it back.

I wonder if she got them herself from a relative and they now want them back???

But agree with everyone else, you say
"Very sorry, Friend, I didn't realise you thought they were a loan and no longer have them. Sorry for any misunderstanding."

I wouldn't go into details as to who has them now.

I've had something similar. A friend gave me lots of baby stuff (breastfeeding pillow, bimbo, breast pump). No mention of it being a loan. She'd had her last child and didn't need it. When I'd finished with it I passed it all on to a relative. Then my friend asked for it all back so she could sell it on ebay! I wouldn't have minded if she'd said in the beginning "I can lend you this baby stuff but would like it back when you're done". That's fine! But to just give people stuff and make no mention of the fact you want it back is unacceptable. When I told my friend I'd passed most of it on to someone else she was OK but I could tell she was pissed off. This sort of thing drives me mad!

These situations can be a bit tricky. I don't think you did anything wrong, but at the same time it's never a bad thing to err on the side of caution and ask before you make any decisions. Your friend, though, should have made it clear to you that the clothes were on loan. Like many here have said, you need to be honest and say that you thought they were being passed on to you and that you had no idea they were on loan. I certainly wouldn't get stressed trying to get back the clothes your niece is wearing.

I lent baby clothes to my SIL a few years ago. I would have happily given them to her, but I was 3 months pregnant with DS2 when her DS was born. She understood the situation, but I still had a terrible time trying to get the clothes back, even though her DS had grown out of them. I ended up buying more. And some of the ones I did get back were destroyed, not by the baby(!), but by SIL throwing coloured clothes in with whites. She must have boil washed some of them to remove stains, as they looked like something you'd wipe your floor with. Oh well, lesson learned. In saying that, she did give me some lovely clothes people had bought for her DS.

So have you told her that you have passed them on? The longer you wait the worse you are going to build up the drama in your head. If she is such a good friend I don't know why you are wringing your hands so much about this.

none of us was obviously there when she gave you the clothes and it seems you assumed that they are yours to keep.

Have you asked your friend why she needs them back? Maybe she wants to sell them to raise some money or so and there is a different way you could help her. I find it odd that you claim to be so good friends and cannot be asking each other some basic questions.

I can see both sides I suppose but ultimately I’m with you OP if things are given they become ‘yours’. I’d be slightly annoyed if I gave someone something they went on to sell for profit but that’s life! I have a small baby and every time she grows out of a size I make 3 piles: stuff I want to keep (god knows why as I don’t want any more but it’s meaningful things!), stuff for close friends so good condition and really nice and then charity shop bits (still good knick I wouldn’t give them rubbish but I give it to a local charity for mums in poverty so they want plain vests, jumpers, leggings etc). I don’t expect anything back that I give away- if it means a lot I keep it. Just send an apology text and be done with it!

OP is wringing her hands because she has retained some of the clothes which she doesn’t WANT to hand back, which is pretty slack in my opinion.
The answer is, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you wanted them back. I have passed some one but am happy to return the ones I kept’

If you really are that close then just talk to her! Be honest. Then you can decide what to do.
Are the clothes made of gold?

I can see both sides real question, not trying to make trouble: what is the friend's side?
I’d be slightly annoyed if I gave someone something they went on to sell for profit The OP hasn't done that.

OP, it's her fault if she meant them as a loan and didn't make that clear. What did she/you say when she gave them to you? And why is her mum involved when she's 32?

I'd message her again and just say straight 'Sorry but you never said that you wanted them back so I've passed them on.'

Could you ring her? Sometimes texting in these situations just makes it worse... I've never heard of anyone looking for baby clothes back. If she's upset on the phone then maybe say your brother is still using them but you can ask them to save anything. Maybe just explain that they got worn.

I gave all of my dc's baby clothes away once outgrown and would never have expected or wanted any of it back. I always said "use what you want and get rid of what you don't" though. I know that a lot of these clothes have now been passed on again and it makes me happy to know that they have had lots of wear.

In your position, I think I would personally say "oh, I'm really sorry but most of them weren't fit to keep after the usual baby stains, multiple washes, etc so I got rid of them. Had I known they were a loan I wouldn't have taken them as I would have been too worried about spoiling them".

She should have said it was a loan to give you the chance to decline her offer.
I always pass out my DC's good clothes I'd never dream of asking for them back.