Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

I had this over a bridesmaid dress when my dd1 was a bridesmaid at age 2. We were never told it was on loan and dd loved it. After a year or so she asked to wear it to dress up in and so we let her. It did get rather messy. A few months later the "bride" my dh's cousin rang and asked for it back. I was so embarassed after all that time. I just had to say I was really sorry, but it was in no fit condition to be returned. Believe me, she was not pleased.

I just do not get this. Just say asap if you want clothing returned so save embarassment to both parties. In your case op, you have done nothing wrong at all and you have passed them on in the spirit in which they were gifted to you.

My hairdresser gave my gs2 a little baby seat having been used first by her two children. She never said it was on loan. One day when she was round, she asked if I still had had the seat. I said I had and she asked if it would be okay if she handed it on to another baby. That was absolutely fine and makes sense.

Just tell her op. The ball is then in her court.

This drives me mad , if you given somebody something you should say , I'd like them back after you've finished as may pass onto someone else .
She didn't probably because she didn't think she would want then back . Perhaps she wants to pass onto someone else why else would she want them back ? but you don't have them any more .
I'd say sorry but you never said you want then back so I passed some onto dsis and the rest binned because they were ruined .
I very much doubt she'd want you to take them off your niece .
It's her own fault for not saying anything at the time or she's now realised she wants them back but it's too late .

I would give back any clothes that you do have, not from your niece though. Explain that you passed them on as you assumed they were a gift. If she has a problem with this, then hopefully she’ll get over it soon. You’ve done nothing wrong at all. Don’t tell her you turned some into rags though!

Just tell her you're sorry but you didnt realise it was a loan. You've now given the baby clothes for your niece to wear but you can get them back once she's grown out of them.

Your niece gets to wear the clothes, your friend gets them back eventually, everyone is happy (sort of).

I am guessing these were all designer clothes and you pretended to your brother / sil that they were from you which is why you can’t go back to them?

That's a strange assumption.

And don't for gods sake send her a ridiculously formal message. Just tell her that you thought they were a gift and you have passed them on much as she passed them to you.

Hmm I’m not so sure about you wanting to keep some stuff obviously that idea is completely out of order, I think you are being a bit economical with the facts ...

Anyway give her back what you still have and say the rest has been given to the charity shop apologising for any misunderstanding which will hopefully be good enough

Some people here seem to misunderstand what the word 'give' means
Give can mean handing over, as it the physical as in passing something to someone.

So no, it's not black and white and because it isn't, I would never make assumption that clothes are for me to do what I want with. It takes nothing to send a text and say 'just to make sure, was thinking if passing the clothes on to x, is that ok'. Simple manners.

For what its worth...asking for baby clothes back is really unusual. Eventually every baby gro gets carrot on it!!!!

She didn't make clear that the clothes were on loan, therefore she cannot expect them back.

The only person I have passed some baby clothes back and forward with is my own sister, as our children are close in age. It wasn't an arrangement we had, but it just happened each time a baby was born. Neither of us asked the other for them, and neither of us cared whether or not we ever saw them again. We just ended up with a pile of stuff, some of which I had bought and some of which she had. It was given to charity shops after our youngest children (born within a month of each other) had finished with them. Nobody wanted anything back.

You have nothing to apologise for. Just tell her that you didn't realise that they were on loan because she didn't tell you that, so you have now gifted them onwards.

You say that she can't and doesn't want to have anymore children due to being ill the last time. I wonder if she has perhaps found herself unexpectedly pregnant again? Either that or perhaps another relative is pregnant. Even if that is the case though, she gave you the clothes so she cannot guarantee having them back. When they changed hands they were no longer hers, especially as she did not clarify that she would be wanting them to be returned.

You’ll just have to tell her the truth, that you no longer have them, and so can’t give them back. You could say that it was never mentioned that this was a loan, and you were given to understand it was a gift. If you’re very nice you can say you’ll see about getting them back when your SIL is finished with them, but it might be simpler to just say “sorry I no longer have them”.

She can’t make you give back what you don’t have!

You might lose the friendship but it wouldn’t be your fault if you do.

Hmm I’m not so sure about you wanting to keep some stuff obviously that idea is completely out of order, I think you are being a bit economical with the facts ...

Yes! I think this too, I definitely think there's more going on here

It's not unreasonable to ask, but also not unreasonable for you to say you don't have them or don't want to, seen as though she gave them to you. Sorry if this has been covered, is there a reason her mum asked? Have you spoken directly to your friend?

Why would anyone give clothes away and then ask for them back? Why would a 32 year olds mother get involved !! Baby equipment I do understand but definitely not clothes because there is no guarantee that clothes will not be stained etc.

So, what have you replied?

If you still have some bits, you should give those back but I think she has been unreasonable asking for them back after all this time if they were a gift. I’d personally never loan out baby things that could be destroyed. Give away yes but there is always a risk of a gigantic poo stain etc however careful someone is.

It sounds to me as if your friends mum has said something. Maybe she didn’t a lot of money on all the pretty items she gave you and would like to pass them on to someone else. Just be honest with your friend. She may agree with you but has been put on the spot by her mum.

I was on your side until you said she’s selfish as she’s an ‘only child’. Many of us only children are more than generous thanks.

Well said. I was going to comment in response to this but I couldn’t be arsed. Such a lazy, ignorant stereotype.

Wow I’m astonished by this thread. Baby/maternity clothes I ALWAYS see as a loan unless stated otherwise. People provided lots of clothes for my daughter and all went back, which some have since used for their other children. I lent out things I had for my daughter, which have now come back ready for my (due imminently) daughter.

OP, I’m not being critical because clearly she wasn’t upfront about wanting them back and it was crossed wires (though the sudden urgency I agree is weird). But I am really surprised so many are saying “no one loans baby clothes” because in my experience everyone does!

Has something happened between you so this might be some passive-aggressive acting out? Surely it's accepted widely that presents aren't loans unless it's clear that that is the spirit in which they've been given.

I think I’d say something like, “I’m so sorry, I thought they were a gift as you didn’t say you wanted them back. I wanted to follow one good deed with another and passed them on to another young mum. I can give you back the ones I’ve kept?”

Commenting on her generosity / paying it forward in this difficult times will surely make her realise?

I really don't get why you are still going on about it? It's either there or it's gone. Once you have passed down it to someone, you just cannot expect them to return them to you.
They are being unreasonable. Not you. If that cause problem between you and your friend, she isn't worth being your friend.

@NotYetBaby Really? In my circles if you give away baby clothes, unless you say you want them back, then you're just giving them away. Baby clothes are very easily damaged/soiled etc so If I wanted to keep them for future use, I wouldn't loan them out because a lot would end up unusable

Just talk to her. It sound like she is having a moment about not being able to have any more children and being in lockdown. Just be honest with her (although not the bitchy bits that you have revealed). She probably just wants a moment to look at the memories.

I must be living on another planet - maybe the same one as your friend! - all baby clothes that friends or family gave me I gave back afterwards, and all the ones I gave was returned to me.
It doesn't cost anything to check if the person who 'gave' you the item wants it back before passing it on! Kind of cheeky to assume they won't want it back, or does it mean people only give/lend clothes once they are done having kids and are sure they won't need them in a couple of years?