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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend is asking for baby clothes back

856 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 11:49

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

OP posts:
Idiidntstop · 19/06/2020 14:50

I had a bold fail, names were meant to be in bold not the paragraphs. 🤣

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 19/06/2020 14:50

Thank you Idiidntstop I was worried I may have missed an update.

crispysausagerolls · 19/06/2020 18:27

@Winterwoollies

That is shocking 😱

Moo31 · 19/06/2020 22:31

I have rtft.

OP something similar happened to me - my cousin who lives 150 miles away and has 2 DC (one boy, one girl) brought bags and bags of stuff to mewhile I was pregnant and after my DS was born. Literally SO much stuff (it filled the floorspace of our spare room). I sorted though the stuff from newborn to 6m before DS was born and binned or charity shopped alot of it (her 2 were very sticky babies and most it had those yellowy sick stains). A few months after my DS was born she asked if I could give her back a couple of particular baby gros and vests which were the first ones her dc1 had worn!!! I was beside myself as I knew didn't have them and I didn't know what to tell her!! I told her I would take a look but that I had passed some stuff on as there was just so much. I then mentioned in passing that I had looked but couldn't see them. She seemed a bit miffed but didn't bring it up again.

A few months later she suggested that we should do a baby sale sometime - I jumped on this and packed the car up with all her stuff and gave it ALL back. I didn't want her coming back to me asking for another particular piece back months or years down the line! She must have taken the hint as she hasn't given me anything since!

Evasmummy2019 · 20/06/2020 08:04

Just thought I'd come on and update. So I got together what I could find and left them outside my front door in a bag. Arranged with friend for her to come and collect. Hour before she is supposed to come she says I need to take them to her now because her friend is there now and she can't come. I said sorry no I will not be able to do that and now I am getting the silent treatment since yesterday morning. I've messaged asking what is going on? And no response. I've decided for my own mental health to unfriend her on Facebook and I'm not going to text any more.

OP posts:
Fizzysours · 20/06/2020 08:06

@evasmummy she sounds exhausting, badtempered and childish....

NinkiNonkiNikau · 20/06/2020 08:21

I think that’s a good idea. Let go of the drama and then maybe Ilovechinese will drop her endless commentary of your financial situation Grin

Gutterton · 20/06/2020 08:24

You poor thing - she is one contrary, controlling, chain yanking brat.

Consistent goalpost moving behaviour.

V unpleasant and immature.

Don’t show that you are angry or riled by her petty and nasty behaviours - be indifferent, distant and dismissive as you would treat some random truculent teen.

Don’t get drawn - carry on being dignified.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/06/2020 08:24

Definitely walk away from this frenemy.

Julie269 · 20/06/2020 08:33

Hi i was really lucky my friend and I had kids 6 months apart we recycled things between us it worked out well, saved us a load of money. And if there were things we wanted back we just made it clear to each other, other than that we passed it on. And other friends lent or gave things they just told me if they wanted them back or not. Your friend should have not given you certain clothes or made it clear to you that she wanted them back at some point. I would have done the same as you passed them on 😊. She sounds pathetic and mad someone you could do without xx

crispysausagerolls · 20/06/2020 09:23

@Evasmummy2019

Your update now means that for me you YADNBU. Very, very odd behaviour. I wonder if she is annoyed with you and this is all some sort of nasty, passive aggressive way of showing it.

Doesn’t matter though; terrible behaviour. I would let her know her clothes will be left outside indefinitely until she gets them (or not), and you are going out!

Beautiful3 · 20/06/2020 09:36

@Evasmummy2019 just seen your update. Your friend has been very rude, I feel so sorry for you. Think I would have done the same thing as you.Flowers

Sparticuscaticus · 20/06/2020 09:40

@Evasmummy2019

Just thought I'd come on and update. So I got together what I could find and left them outside my front door in a bag. Arranged with friend for her to come and collect. Hour before she is supposed to come she says I need to take them to her now because her friend is there now and she can't come. I said sorry no I will not be able to do that and now I am getting the silent treatment since yesterday morning. I've messaged asking what is going on? And no response. I've decided for my own mental health to unfriend her on Facebook and I'm not going to text any more.
Yes, I think you've done the healthiest thing.

She'd collect if she was bothered ,not harass you to do something urgently then mess you around.

If she doesn't collect them, just pass them on as you'd planned and use the bits your DD still needs.

It'd be easy to reply to her DM if she texts again
'I offered to gather and donate some of DDs clothes back to friend as asked. I did so, told her and waited a week having left DDs old clothes outside for her to take what she wanted of them as requested. It sounds like she didn't bother. I really wasn't involved as we were shielding inside out house in our bubble. I'm sorry to hear that, as anything left of DDs old clothes after then was collected as charity'

They are DDs clothes, not Friend's, the moment she gave them away.

Merryoldgoat · 20/06/2020 09:48

Your ‘friend’ is an idiot.

You’ve done nothing wrong, she admitted it wasn’t a loan therefore she has zero right to ask for them back.

Move on and have a nice life without her nonsense.

TowelHoarder · 20/06/2020 09:56

Your friend is controlling and doesn’t sound very nice.

What’s really sad though is that she probably thinks it’s perfectly reasonable to give someone old baby clothes, then demand them back ASAP, even if they might still be using them, and then demand they are delivered to her when it is convenient for her.

I can’t imagine she has many good relationships in her life if this is how she carries on.

Evasmummy2019 · 20/06/2020 10:17

The thing is, I've glossed over so many instances of spoiled and selfish behaviour in the past. I've just ignored it. My friend can be very fickle and she has a certain friend going round at the moment who just found out she is pregnant. She is not my biggest fan because around 3 years ago I thought she was taking advantage of my friend and told her so. That is the friend of my friend who is pregnant. And who the baby clothes were going to go to. I feel really bad like they've just wanted to upset me to be honest. And now I've gone to get baby clothes in and the bag is gone. So I don't know if she's gotten them or not. She's not replying.

OP posts:
YouDirtyMare · 20/06/2020 10:29

I'd just leave it now. Concentrate on your own family and stop giving her head space
Have a lovely weekend and enjoy the sunshine

Brieminewine · 20/06/2020 10:29

It sounds like there’s a lot more to this than her just wanting some baby clothes back, I think it’s for the best to just cut ties and move on, you bagged the stuff up, she’s collected it, she’s ignored your texts, I wouldn’t contact her again.

Sparticuscaticus · 20/06/2020 10:44

@Evasmummy2019

The thing is, I've glossed over so many instances of spoiled and selfish behaviour in the past. I've just ignored it. My friend can be very fickle and she has a certain friend going round at the moment who just found out she is pregnant. She is not my biggest fan because around 3 years ago I thought she was taking advantage of my friend and told her so. That is the friend of my friend who is pregnant. And who the baby clothes were going to go to. I feel really bad like they've just wanted to upset me to be honest. And now I've gone to get baby clothes in and the bag is gone. So I don't know if she's gotten them or not. She's not replying.
I wish you'd said that in your OP

As we'd have said ignore her. You don't have to give her any of DD's clothes unless theirs bits neither you nor DSIL wanted

Really, Friend and Pg friend of Friend sound petty and deserving of each other.

I'd forget about it and them now
(And hope someone else took the bag! Grin)

I hope you and DD are having a lovely weekend . You've had lots of MNers roundly condemning her for you, so you know she's poorly thought if that gives you peace

Jeremyironsnothing · 20/06/2020 10:45

It does sound as if this new friend is poisoning your friend against you. Don't do the"pick me" dance.
The ball is in her court now.

2Rebecca · 20/06/2020 10:52

I got given loads of baby clothes. I couldnt remember exactly who had given me what. When I had finished with them I passed them on. If someone had wanted clothes back I would have refused them as too much hassle and not wanting to tear or ruin those clothes. Shame the friend is no longer friendly

IntermittentParps · 20/06/2020 10:54

Ah, OK, this update makes things clearer. The two of them are in cahoots against you, for their own weird reasons.

You're better off without both of them.

Ilovechinese · 20/06/2020 10:54

@NinkiNonkiNikau oh ffs get a grip and let it go! I innocently asked ONE question then everyone kept @ me and I was responding to them!

@Evasmummy2019 just seen your update and she sounds so rude! Who does she think she is demanding you just drop everything and go there when you have a young baby. Is the friend she wants to give them to a mutual friend? Or even if she isn't do you know her name? As I would msg her and tell her what is going on, first to find out if they really ate for her and secondly to warn her all the hassle your "friend" has caused you over the clothes so if they are for her she is better off not accepting. Though like others have said if she is lucky enough to have a girl after 5 boys I doubt she will want 2nd/3rd hand clothes! I loved picking out all pink and girly clothes after I had a boy first.

HypatiaCade · 20/06/2020 10:55

Don't let her upset you. She is trying to be Lady Bountiful by being generous and giving the same things away several times. Basically she wanted to use you as a free storage facility.

You've done nothing wrong.

My DSis wanted to 'lend' me some special items she had kept from when her DSs were little and then wanted me to return them. I told her no way, I didn't want to have a bar of any such arrangement. If they were that special, she could keep them. I refused to worry about damaging thing and not getting them back to her in sufficiently good condition, and keeping track of whose items they were. She honestly couldn't understand my response, but it was just easier to say no. I was lucky that she said she would 'lend' them to me though, I got some warning!

Ilovechinese · 20/06/2020 11:17

@Evasmummy2019 just read the full updates and saw you do know her but she doesn't like you. Well just forget them both. They can go f* themselves

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