Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

Honestly, I would have thought that she would have wanted you to do what she did--to help another mother in her hour of need by "paying it forward" and not hoarding baby clothes that could be put to good use. I would think that the best way you could repay her was by helping to pass along the same happiness and good karma that she did by giving the clothes to you by giving the same clothes to another child.

Have you fallen out recently or do you have any reason to think she may be upset with you? It seems very odd to suddenly demand baby clothes back - I've never heard of anyone doing this! if she won't be having any more children she doesn't need them. I would just say 'I feel awful - I didn't realise you would want the clothes back and passed them on as was trying- like you did with me - to help someone out, I can't actually get them back now, sorry'

Well said @SkiddySkidz

What the sensible MNers have said (not the ones picking holes looking for a fight) thing is that friend IBVU

Don't contact your DBro or SIL , they don't need the stress either
Don't take clothes off your little's back
These are her clothes now, not for Friend or her mother to demand back a year after the gave them away and she took a gift for giving them to you
Put aside your small bag of clothes DD grew out of that you still have, and you hadn't passed on yet, let Friend contact you to collect it

Whether she's upset or not, or sad that she gave them away and now can't give them away a second time after a year when no longer hers, isn't down to you, it sounds like her Mum is a stirrer

You really don't need to pander to nuts nor apologise for doing something so reasonable

Before I lost my job due to I'll health I was a palliative care Birse for 12 years and my husband is a self employed tradesman. I've contributed to society it my ways and dont need to explain myself to the absolute bitches in here. But coronavirus has hit our family hard and that along with a mistake made and a series of unfortunate events have made our lives very difficult.

Honestly Eva you have behaved impeccably and graciously with dignity throughout.

Please know that. Please don’t take on board some randoms toxic nonsense. Please immerse yourself in the love bubble of your little family and turn away from these people. You don’t have to justify, explain or defend any of your actions to anyone on here. You have already sorted it IRL.
Be proud of that.

I’d just say they were too well worn/ stained to pass onto anyone else and went into the recycling bin at tesco, wherever to be used for rags
How ridiculous

Just RTFT. You haven't done anything wrong at all OP and definitely NBU.

My child has been almost completely clothed in donated clothes since she was born two years ago. Pretty much all her toys and books were passed on too. I forward gift everything when it's no longer of use.

We have no money issues, it's lovely to see the stuff getting used and reused.

Posters here are nuts.

I've been lent some things by friends for my brand new baby. They made it clear they wanted them back so I made a list of what they'd given me. However, they've now asked for them back for their sibling who is about to have a baby.

Perfectly acceptable, I hear you cry, they said they wanted them back. The thing is, my baby is a week old. One week. Why lend them to me in the first place, the sibling was only a couple of weeks behind me in pregnancy?! I'd only just had a chance to wash them... Ain't nowt as queer as folk.

You've done nothing at all wrong and is bizarre that they've asked for it back. Perhaps the mother is annoyed with your friends because she bought a lot of the clothes and is hopeful another grandchild will wear them. If so, it's too late and they should have told you they were on loan. Just tell friend what you've done with them and say no.

@Winterwoollies

I've been lent some things by friends for my brand new baby. They made it clear they wanted them back so I made a list of what they'd given me. However, they've now asked for them back for their sibling who is about to have a baby.

When your baby is a week old??? That's crazy and they ABVU

They must have known sibling was pregnant. You washed and sorted the clothes. I'd be pretty unhappy with them. I'd want to demand back anything I'd given them because my baby hadn't even worn the stuff I'd laundered which is now only for their benefit . Or want to say 'sure once my baby grows out of them I'll pass them onto your DSis'l as you loaned them to me for my baby so I laundered them, and told everyone else I had what I needed'

They've just used you as a free storage and laundry service otherwise for no benefit to you other than taking up your space, your precious maternity leave time & washing & ironing facilities,

@confusedbymyheritage Wow! That's quite some projecting you've gone there!!!

If she had gifted the clothes to a charity, then she could not expect to reclaim them.
Neither should she expect to ask for them back from you .
Once you willingly give away something it is no longer in your power to reclaim it
You should not feel bad at all that you have passed these things down the line to others or binned unusable things!

Eva, I've read the whole thread and I think you sound perfectly reasonable. Your friend's behaviour sounds strange to me. It's not rocket science that baby clothes get both messed up and passed on. And, we all know that if someone gives you something, that's a gift, unless the person is clear at the time that it isn't. It's also unusual for a grown woman to involve her mum in this way. So, bottom line, it's not you, it's her, and please ignore anyone else who says otherwise.

@SkiddySkidz how the hell am I being unkind? I was just curious to how someone could afford IVF but not cheap baby clothes. I have seen women on here being told to have abortions because they got pregnant accidentally and are not in a good financial position to have a baby. Now that is what I call unkind and downright nasty and evil yet here is a woman who by her own admission cant afford supermarket baby clothes and is having IVF on the NHS. Now I'm not saying she shouldn't have a child as I'm not one of these nasty people who think you should be rich to have a child I was just surprised she could afford IVF but not baby clothes but she has since clarified that her IVF was on the NHS

Honestly I am sorry if my post upset you but I just laugh at the double standards on mumsnet. It seems it's perfectly fine to tell women who are already pregnant by accident to have an abortion if they are not well off or on benefits and slag off people who receive any kind of benefits like that large family on the tv with 21 kids I always see posts about in here think radford family but if it's a baby through IVF no one is allowed to say anything.

On a post before I was sticking up for the radford family saying it's up to them how many children they have and they dont claim any benefits and work and I was told they will still be getting child benefit and also costing the NHS money as she has her babies in hospital but IVF cost the NHS a lot more money than natural pregnancies but everyone is jumping on me just because I askee an innocent question. Wow such double standards!!

I think it's time to drop it

@snuggybunny is that comment to me? As if it is I commented because people keep @ me! Calling me unkind and things just for asking a question which I didnt even mean in a bad way!

Yes and you've explained yourself. Time to let it go.

Yes exactly I've already explained so people need to stop @ me then!

@SnuggyBuggy

Yes and you've explained yourself. Time to let it go.

This a 1000 times this. The fact the OP had IVF had literally no relevance to the question posed in this tread. The OP has attempted to resolve the issue and hopefully the advice she has been given has proved useful. There is no need for you to keep foming back and bringing up the fact that the OP had IVF.

Oh it's so awkward. People need to make things clearer really whether it's a loan or gift! My sister is having a baby and I have given her most of my baby stuff, and have been clear that I don't expect anything back, although I've since asked her to put aside my DCs coming home outfits so I can keep them (she hasn't given birth yet).

I've had maternity clothes from different people, I sorted through and gave a load that weren't suitable to charity. Now I'm worried one of the people I borrowed from wants them back, I don't know her all that well really.

I would just explain OP, say so sorry didn't realise it was a loan, I have passed on a lot to my niece. Maybe your friend wants them for another family member?

OP you did nothing WRONG! You don't give people clothes and ask for them back if you didn't state you wanted them back when first giving them away. Like I said round up what you can and give them to her but end the friendship then.

@TinySleepThief the OP was the one who brought it up saying she had IVF! Why mention it if it had no relevance? No one would know if she herself didn't say it!
I was just reading the thread from the beginning and at first was shocked her friend gave her baby clothes then asked for them back later. I thought the friend was being unreasonable at first then I thought she seemed dismissive towards her friends fertility struggle saying why would she want them back when she cant have anymore children. As others said that might be precisely the reason she wants them as it is sentimental. Then she later said she wanted to keep some of the clothes as she has some embryos on ice and straight the way I thought, wow IVF is so expensive so she must be quite well off but is arguing about giving back second hand clothes. In my head I always think people having IVF are quite well off people. I know you can have IVF on the NHS but I thought once you have a child you are not allowed a second go. As I know that people who cant get pregnant but their partners have children from a previous relationship aren't allowed it on the NHS. obviously I was wrong. Anyway everyone is all going mad because I asked a innocent question but since then I see others have commented on her being able to afford a child.
It seems on mumsnet people think it's fine to tell people on benefits they shouldn't have children but if you are infertile no one is allowed to say anything even though that costs even more money because its also thousands on the NHS as well as benefits.
So everyone is being all sympathetic towards her while not thinking that for someone infertile and knows how it feels she doesn't seem to talk about her friend with much empathy who also cant have children. Also maybe it's a lie about wanting them back because her friend is pregnant with her 6th baby. As others said if she has only just found out she us pregnant why would she need the clothes so urgently?! Makes no sense!
Maybe her friend is depressed during lockdown and thinking about the fact she cant have anymore children so wants the clothes back for sentimental reasons but she could feel too upset to say that to her friend.
The OP at least is in a position to potentially have more while her friend can not.

I think both of them struggled to get pregnant OP and her friend? Or did I misunderstand?

Facts is the friend has been unreasonable. So now the friend has or will get the clothes back. Has she considered how OP felt and how this will impact their friendship (clearly not).