Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

[quote crispysausagerolls]@Blahblahblah99

My comment was in no way about people using second hand clothes. Second hand clothes make sense - lots of people of all financial situations buy them. That’s not what I was saying. OP has made several comments to the effect of her and her brother not wanting to return the clothes because they can’t afford to buy other clothes. I think it’s a bit much to have children if you can’t spend 2£ at ASDA on a pack of 10 babygros or whatever.

But I’m in the minority because I am also horrified that someone would cut up baby clothes given to them to use as rags. Sooner offer them back in case previous owner wants to make a blanket out of them or something.[/quote]
It was quite clear what you were saying. Some people on here need to look at their comprehension skills

Maybe it's also a good opportunity to discuss not doing Christmas presents.

Very odd to ask for something back months later without originally saying its a gift.

Your friend sounds hard work.

You did nothing wrong, your friend is being a total bitch and I would be dropping her pretty fast after all of this.

Keep the bits that are special to you - she GAVE them to you - there are YOURS and she has zero right or claim to them. The fact she is demanding them back is shocking and I would have told her so.

All the people on here saying you should have asked is if she wanted them back are being ridiculous, if she wanted them back she should have told OP that. I have given loads of baby clothes away and never expected them back.

Seriously, drop the friend - she has shown her priorities

All the people on here saying you should have asked is if she wanted them back are being ridiculous, if she wanted them back she should have told OP that.

Agree.

The onus was on her to clarify initially if it was a loan.

She didn’t - because it wasn’t a loan.

She has since moved the goalposts.

If it were any other gift, birthday, Xmas, new baby etc the onus would not be on you to check if they wanted it back later.

Amazed this is still going.

Way too many people giving OP a hard time and some are just bloody nasty.

The friend sounds very odd though. The only thing I think is you have done wrong OP is holding onto to stuff for your DN.

I'd be very honest and say to her that you're actually surprised and disappointed that it's come to this. That she gave you all the stuff with no mention of having it back and it's been used or damaged like of course happens. Who does that?!

I'm guessing the friendship wasn't what you thought it was. Don't dwell on it though, just enjoy your DD and leave the friend to it. She's very petty.

The clothes were not expensive. They were primark and tesco and George
You said it saved you a lot of money. I guess it all depends on what a lot means. If they were all supermarket then yes, it's more understandable to assume they wouldn't be expected back.

Christ on a bike, I never knew giving back second hand clothes was a thing. I had so many people foisting their unwanted shite on me it drove me mad! Everyone just took it as an opportunity to clear out their entire wardrobe.

I either binned it or sent it to a charity shop like they should have. Never dreamed anyone would come knocking for it again! I was fortunate enough to be able to buy new clothes, and enjoyed doing so. I've never palmed off my hand me downs on someone else, and wouldn't expect them back if I did give anything.

Seriously she did you a favour

There seems to be no limit to the amount of favour this person can bestow via one set of baby clothes! I hope the new friend is aware that the clothes can be taken back at any time at a few days notice.

I do think your friend should have said the items were loaned if she wanted them back. However saying people are not nice because they don't agree with your point of view is a bit off, they're not horrible people they just don't agree with you.
You clearly don't like your 'friend', that comes across in every post you mention her. So perhaps you're better off without each other.

@CecilyP I’m with you on this one, usually when people pass on baby clothes they’re not doing it as a favour they’re making room in their own houses.

It’s well known in our town that charity shops won’t take baby clothes because of the volume they were receiving, the state of them and that people just don’t buy them.

One friend, who had a one year old daughter then went on to have twin daughters, so already had plenty of girls clothes anyway and people were still dropping off bin bags of all sorts, including boys clothes and stained unusable clothes and saying if they’re no good just get rid of them, so now not only did she have a one year old and newborn twins to look after but she had to dispose of clothes she’d never asked for and didn’t need.

You said it saved you a lot of money. I guess it all depends on what a lot means.
Jesus Christ, leave it alone.

frigging hell, never read so much crap on here, my friends and i give each other clothes all the time, and never once asked for them back, babies are messy and i doubt they would ever be in a fit state after being worn by 2 babies anyway, dont feel guilty OP, your friend is weird.

OP
She gave them to you
She now wants to take back what is no longer hers for her - not you- to gift again to someone else who may or may not be having a baby girl

She's nuts

I think you've angsted over this too much already. She's effectively asking you to give her your baby girl clothes to her friend instead of your SIL who does have a baby girl.

They are not hers to offer to someone else and it's bizzare her Mum messaged you!
She's coming across as really materialistic and selfish - people need to clear out their homes, she didn't want them taking up space. You found a good home for them, used what you could and cleared out your home. You're not a free storage facility.

It's just baby clothes. You keep a couple special items and pass the rest on. I've given plenty away & had plenty hand me downs that's what friends and family do - don't care what they do with them afterwards- sell, give away, charity shop.. it's theirs then!

I think you're sensible to make up a little pack of a few items but not a big bag, don't add extra, carry on giving your clothes to your SIL who needs them. They are your daughters and your clothes. She got gifts from you for giving them to you, are you going to ask for the wine and flowers back?!! 😆😆

I've heard it all now and it would change my view of her as a friend. She caused unnecessary stress and sounds a bit bullying not taking your answer of 'no sorry, we don't have them, what we kept belong to another baby now'.

Yo can't change a gift into a loan and demand things back years later.

@dontdisturbmenow

The clothes were not expensive. They were primark and tesco and George You said it saved you a lot of money. I guess it all depends on what a lot means. If they were all supermarket then yes, it's more understandable to assume they wouldn't be expected back.

So a pack of 3 sleepsuits in tesco is £10 I'd need 2 or 3 of those , 3 packs of vests that's another £20. Then I'd need socks, scratch mits hats, that's another £20. Then I'd need cardigans and coats, snowsuit for going out that's another £40 or so. Then I'd need blankets, little outfits, dresses. That's another £60 or so. And times that by 3 lots of each each time she grows out of it. She has saved me a lot of money and no I could not have afforded to go and buy all that new x3. I'm only starting to buy her 9 to 12 now and it all adds up. When I'm struggling on universal credit. I class that as a lot of money. You might not but not all of us are well off or even comfortable financially

100% the “friend” still won’t now adapt her communication style and tell the lady pregnant with no6 that she will be expecting them back after - if she did and I was lady pregnant with no6 I wouldn’t take on the fucking pressure and stress of having to keep a log of some cheap random baby clothes in the chaos of 6 children! And it would unnerve me that someone gave me gendered baby clothes so early on in a pregnancy when the gender wasn’t confirmed.

OP, I’m going to be gentle about this as it’s off topic and I initially thought questions or judgement about your personal circumstance were irrelevant, but based on your most recent update, it is a little worrying you couldn’t/can’t afford to cloth your child. I think @crispysausagerolls may have been onto something there.

@ThatsNotMyMeerkat

OP, I’m going to be gentle about this as it’s off topic and I initially thought questions or judgement about your personal circumstance were irrelevant, but based on your most recent update, it is a little worrying you couldn’t/can’t afford to cloth your child. I think *@crispysausagerolls* may have been onto something there.

Especially with saving up for another round of IVF.

You don’t have to buy brand new clothes or supermarket clothes. Ebay and Facebook usually have bundles of clothes for very cheap prices. Babies really don’t care what they’re wearing as long as they are comfortable.

Yes she is nuts.

Don’t get drawn into her drama or be unsettled by it.

No need to defend your actions to her, anyone in here or yourself.

You have handled this perfectly. Know that.

Just give it all an eye-roll, a sigh and a whatever.

Yes there’s a lot of irrelevant judgemental off topic stuff going on here OP.

This was a thread about baby-grows and bibs and now your v personal vulnerability around IVF and the financial stress this ensures are being attacked. You don’t have to absorb any of that malicious content. Emotionally protect yourself.

That's what I found too towelhoarder .. 🤣

so now not only did she have a one year old and newborn twins to look after but she had to dispose of clothes she’d never asked for and didn’t need.

I hated random mum friends dropping off bin liners of unwanted things on my doorstep after my c section for my 3rd (all 5 & under). A couple small bags would have been nice but I ended up with 10+ bin bags from people clearing their houses which I couldn't even lift!

When I pass any bags over, i ask first if they'd want any and say sort what you want and I'll either wait or return to pick up the unwanted bits stuff - just leave it out- and I'll get rid of them. Or you're welcome to pass them on to someone you know if you think they'll be wanted.

It's so much better to invite someone round and say there's a few bags - select out anything you want whilst I put kettle on!

Well said Gutterton

Probably totally irrelevant but I gave my DSis SO much stuff when she was pregnant - cot, clothes, pram, car seats, toys, books, all sorts - masses of stuff. And for years after as mine grew older and grew out of things.

I said when I gave them that the only 'condition' was when she didn't need them anymore and if she sold them, could we go halves on the proceeds. I was a single parent and financially struggling, she was/is very happily married.

Fast forward a few years, we agreed to do a car boot together. Yep, you guessed it, she was selling all the baby stuff I gave her. She made money. She didn't share! But then I didn't kick up a fuss either, even though the money would have been a massive help.

Your friend doesn't sound much like a friend to me. Either that or she feels like she has to make an impression on her newly pregnant friend, show off as it were, be seen to be generous and all giving. Perhaps she likes to be wanted, is she a bit needy emotionally?

I've not read all the thread so just chucking in my twopenneth! OP, don't buy anything, just let this go. She never said it was a loan so it's all her fault. If you lose her as a friend over this, well, then it's probably for the best. You look after your DC and don't worry about her being a diva.

Hold on OP, you still need baby clothes aged 9 mo upwards...? Wait ! But I gave a whole load away 10 years ago, I'll get my Mum to text them and tell them to give them back to me ASAP so I can pass them into you 🤣🤣😘

Totally nuts of your friend and her Mum...

My kids are quite large and hairy well, one of them and even back then a group of us passed around bags of clothes with no expectation any of it was going to be returned. Certainly amongst my friends group it wasn't the done thing to offer a return and we always passed on anything to the next exhausted sod down the line be that clothes, toys or equipment.

Your friend doesn't sound especially nice OP, time to reevaluate that friendship I think. Is she overbearing in other ways? Does everything have to be on her terms?