Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

@caringcarer

If a baby has a dozen or so outfits in 0-3 and only wears each one a few times each. Then op DD was chunky and grew out of it very fast How would it be falling to bits for 3rd child to wear? I think that is odd statement to make.

It was stuff her older daughter wore too who is 3 in August

Trying to find where OP said "falling to bits"

@Mothership4two

Trying to find where OP said "falling to bits"

I never said falling to bits but maybe someone else did. It's not like I've cut them all up out of spite like people make out. I've cut a couple of baby grows up to dust with. When someone gives you something you assume it's yours to keep. And had she said it was a loan I'd have politely refused as if be too scared to ruin them. My daughter was born with a cleft and us a very messy eater.milk stains on collar and Weaned early for severe reflux so there's literally orange stains on most things. That's the stuff I've thrown out.

OP stop responding to the negative posts. The majority of people here are supportive. Respond to them instead or move on knowing you’ve done nothing wrong

That's what I thought @Evasmummy2019

You have been getting some odd comments on here tonight and some that miss the point altogether

Yes I will stop now. Just feeling a bit low. And I am defensive I suppose. Yes I'm not going to worry any more about this. My friend is showing her true colours and I've spoken to another of our friendship group and something very similar has happened with her too which I didn't know about. So I'm going to take all your lovely positive advice. And give her a wide berth for a while. I don't need friends like that. Xxx thank you lovely ladies

@Evasmummy2019 don’t stop talking altogether, just avoid the negativity. You know deep down you did absolutely nothing wrong. You are clearly a caring person. But mumsnet can be a dark an suspicious place at times. Don’t take it to heart

OP I have not long given away 0-3 clothes for my LO. I would never dream of asking for them back. It is a weird thing to do and shows ahe doesnt really value the friendship.

If it was a loan she should have stated that. Then you could have accepted or not. However a gift and a thank you suggets once given they are yours to do with as you wish. I would do exactly the same. I think she is actually being inconsiderate choosing one friend over another..

Also ignore the posters that are negative and said you should have asked....not sure what crazy world they are living in! Who does that will a gift of baby clothes when their daughter wouldn't fit in them again!

She gave them to you and didn't state it was a loan which is normal for baby clothes. I'd laugh her out of the door and just inform her they have been courteously gifted on to the next family in need as she gifted them to yourself. Apologise but state a gift is a gift and she didn't state otherwise. It looks that if she's not pregnant she's trying to profit during the current climate. You might lose a friend during this one OP but that's not your fault x

The posters saying OP should have asked her friend if she wanted the clothes back are missing something.... the friend only decided yesterday/Tuesday that she wanted them back so if OP HAD asked friend would have said no.

Hope you're ok OP, I don't think you did anything wrong either

OP ignore the negative comments, you've done nothing wrong. Asking for gifts back is weird behaviour and you don't need to ask permission from the gift giver before making decisions on what do with things you no longer need.

I wasn't going to post as most have said what I was going to. However please please please keep the first outfit and hat. You will regret giving them back.

I am going to be keeping the flowery bunny sleepsuit she wore a lot and also the hat and grey sleepsuit. She won't notice anyway and this will probably be my only child so I don't want to throw her memories away

OP please look out and save the bits you want to keep as a meomory. Your 'friend'wont know the difference.

Yes do this; your friend will be none the wiser!

Evasmummy2019 - you have done nothing wrong and have behaved politely and graciously throughout.

Your friend admitted to you that she never said they were a loan - so there wasn’t even a miscommunication - the intent was clear.

She has changed her mind (weird mother, triggered by friend, uneasy in lockdown - who knows, who cares really) - she doesn’t want the clothes back for her - not for some regretful nostalgia reason about her own DD (she has made that clear as she saved what she wanted at the time) - she is only asking to pass them on to someone who is in early pregnancy and doesn’t know the gender yet.

So.....

That’s all good. You have no need to feel guilty that you have deprived her anything sentimental - this isn’t a personal emotional issue for her related to her baby memories - it’s practical, maybe she needs to be needed - v v odd IME to be given a bag of gendered baby clothes in early stages of pregnancy. A bit impulsive on her side? Wonder if she has asked this woman if she needs or wants them? I am not sure I would accept or appreciate really - I might feel a bit unsettled. I have a big family and the house was bursting at the seems with baby stuff I had saved by the time the youngest was born. Maybe she needs to have some role on this news of a 6th baby? Odd.

100% keep the precious bunny outfit, hat etc. These are YOUR memories. And feel good about that. Though don’t tell her. They were only going on to some

Anyway the good news is:

You have a beautiful baby girl.
You have some precious new born clothes to keep.
You have a lovely niece and she is the 3rd baby girl to benefit from these items.
A 4th baby is waiting in the wings to enjoy these items too — in about 6 months!

Anything soiled, worn out is removed.

You negotiated this immaculately and emotionally intelligently. Your friend is off kilter - but you spoke to her and agreed a way forward.

You are allowed to feel unsettled and process those raw feelings - but you dealt with her in a dignified way.

It’s been tricky on here people giving a different perspective - I have learnt from that - but the FACTS are according to your friend it was NOT a loan as she didn’t communicate that.

So you did v well. Lots of heightened emotions - it’s a sensitive subject.

Don’t waste too much of your precious finite headspace on this now - know that you did everything perfectly, your friend is off kilter - you keep calm in this difficult time with her and have a resolution. Feel free to withdraw from her for a bit if you need to - but get back to all of the positive stuff with your baby girl.

You have done nothing wrong here.

Perhaps don't tell her the whole truth (binning or cutting up some of the stained clothes). Just tell her most was given away and isn't possible to get back atm.

I hope you can move past this and maintain your friendship. Think kind thoughts about her, baby clothes can be emotive, especially if infertility or loss has been a factor.

If she does get shitty with you, you could always ask for the wine and chocolates back!!

Gutterton, spot on, every word! And Cecily, re: taking the clothes baby has not/may not even have worn yet... SMH 🤦‍♀️ Exactly what I was thinking

@Gutterton

Evasmummy2019 - you have done nothing wrong and have behaved politely and graciously throughout.

Your friend admitted to you that she never said they were a loan - so there wasn’t even a miscommunication - the intent was clear.

She has changed her mind (weird mother, triggered by friend, uneasy in lockdown - who knows, who cares really) - she doesn’t want the clothes back for her - not for some regretful nostalgia reason about her own DD (she has made that clear as she saved what she wanted at the time) - she is only asking to pass them on to someone who is in early pregnancy and doesn’t know the gender yet.

So.....

That’s all good. You have no need to feel guilty that you have deprived her anything sentimental - this isn’t a personal emotional issue for her related to her baby memories - it’s practical, maybe she needs to be needed - v v odd IME to be given a bag of gendered baby clothes in early stages of pregnancy. A bit impulsive on her side? Wonder if she has asked this woman if she needs or wants them? I am not sure I would accept or appreciate really - I might feel a bit unsettled. I have a big family and the house was bursting at the seems with baby stuff I had saved by the time the youngest was born. Maybe she needs to have some role on this news of a 6th baby? Odd.

100% keep the precious bunny outfit, hat etc. These are YOUR memories. And feel good about that. Though don’t tell her. They were only going on to some

Anyway the good news is:

You have a beautiful baby girl.
You have some precious new born clothes to keep.
You have a lovely niece and she is the 3rd baby girl to benefit from these items.
A 4th baby is waiting in the wings to enjoy these items too — in about 6 months!

Anything soiled, worn out is removed.

You negotiated this immaculately and emotionally intelligently. Your friend is off kilter - but you spoke to her and agreed a way forward.

You are allowed to feel unsettled and process those raw feelings - but you dealt with her in a dignified way.

It’s been tricky on here people giving a different perspective - I have learnt from that - but the FACTS are according to your friend it was NOT a loan as she didn’t communicate that.

So you did v well. Lots of heightened emotions - it’s a sensitive subject.

Don’t waste too much of your precious finite headspace on this now - know that you did everything perfectly, your friend is off kilter - you keep calm in this difficult time with her and have a resolution. Feel free to withdraw from her for a bit if you need to - but get back to all of the positive stuff with your baby girl.

Thank you for your reply. What a lovely peice of advice I think you are a very good person from what you've written. X

This is weird just give her everything you gave back! Hanging on to a couple of second hand bits for memories? Seriously she did you a favour and you should have asked her before you gave the stuff away.

Hanging on to a couple of second hand bits for memories?

Did you mean to come across so rudely

So what if these items were second hand they can still be important memories. The outfit my son wore first was second hand does that mean I shouldn't keep it and that it's not sentimental to me?

Why can't people and you OP accept that there is no right and wrong but different perspectives?

The fact that the majority considers that the clothes were given for you to do what you want with it doesn't mean it was the case here and that you were forcibly right to assume it was.

I wouldn't give clothes in that sense specially not clothes that was expensive and I could have sold and make money out on eBay so would also never not offer to give them back.

It's very sad to lose a friendship over it though.

The clothes were not expensive. They were primark and tesco and George.

@LolaDarkdestroyer

This is weird just give her everything you gave back! Hanging on to a couple of second hand bits for memories? Seriously she did you a favour and you should have asked her before you gave the stuff away.

Yes I AM hanging on to these clothes for memories. I tried for 6 years for my daughter and had 8 rounds of fertility treatment to get her here with huge pain and suffering along the way. She's probably the only child ill ever have and that's OK with me. So YES! I am glad to have some small peices to look back on that wonderful time in my life. You are so rude

The fact that the majority considers that the clothes were given for you to do what you want with it doesn't mean it was the case here and that you were forcibly right to assume it was

Maybe not but surely the fact the friend has since clarified they were not a loan is better evidence that the majority were right in regards to this situation?

Hopefully the collection of the clothes goes ok op