Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

I definitely would have checked before I did anything esp as you say she didn’t specify either way.

I don’t think you’re entitled to keep anything, but you should say to your friend you would like to.

Lessons learnt.

Children do grow very fast but that will slow down now as she gets bigger. Buy your clothes the next size up , they will last longer.

@Eva exactly babies grow so quick so pointless spending loads on new clothes when you can get really good stuff
I had my boys quite a few years ago and Facebook sell sites weren't really around and I wish they had been as could of brought loads of toys and clothes
We were lucky and people have or bought us stuff ( no one asked for it back ) and I wouldn't of thought to ask someone if they wanted something back they had given me unless they had stated it
Anyway just enjoy your daughter and don't worry about the friend you have done all you can and are returning what you are able

@confusedbymyheritage

From your OP I was in full support of you, it seemed a genuine accident and like you felt very bad about it. However with each of your updates you have got more unreasonable and more unpleasant.

Calling your 'friend' a spoilt only child.

Firstly saying you have none of them and then saying - 'I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant again.' - they aren't yours to keep, you got the benefit of use but now the original owner wants them back and you should return them. If you are lucky enough to have another baby you can buy your own baby clothes.

You claim to have been through a lot (which I don't doubt) but she seems to have been through a lot too which you seem to gloss over to gain sympathy for yourself and paint her as unreasonable.

Claiming you will not 'take the clothes off your nieces back' whilst having no appreciation for the fact they weren't yours to put on her back in the first place - essentially trying to paint your friend as someone trying to rob a baby of something when she really wants back something that she gave to you but wasn't yours to give on, and you failed to check about this.

For the stuff you've cut up there's no going back and you just have to explain and apologise for it but the stuff you still have but are keeping 'just in case' you should return and the stuff you've passed on to your niece, you need to call and explain to them the situation. If they can return it immediately (i.e have other clothes) they should do, if not it should absolutely be returned once she has grown out of it.

Bit of a shitty post tbh.

There's millions of women who have been given baby clothes who have done the exact same thing as the OP and they're not unpleasant or unreasonable, the only difference is that the person who gave them the clothes never asked for them back!!!

fallen in love with some pieces and kept them for sentimental value after or because they want to use them for their next baby because they have such good memories of them. Had the OP known that the other person was going to ask for them back maybe she would have made sure she bought her more of her own new clothes that she would have been able to keep. She's allowed to want to keep treasured items of clothing....especially because she always assumed they were hers to keep now!

The clothes will have to come off another babys back...and the woman in question wants to take them off the OPs babys back because for all she knows she's still in 3-6 month clothes but now wants them back.
That's just plain weird!

RTFT now, and I think her reason is ridiculous. Pregnant friend might (probably won't going by statistics) have a girl and she wants to give her girl clothes and wants to pick them up months early during a pandemic and doesn't care if you might still be using them? Bizarre. Keep the first outfit and hat your DD wore, please.

I actually think her friend sounds like an arsehole.
Imagine giving a friend a bag of baby clothes up to 1 year old.
Then after a few months when her baby is only a few months old saying actually I need all of those clothes back next week because my other friend just found out she's pregnant and maybe it will be a girl!!

It's bizarre!!

OP you haven’t done anything wrong and your friend may not think so either - especially as she’s admitted she didn’t think it was a loan when she gave things to you.

Your friend may be being unreasonable but she may just be a bit preoccupied and inwardly focused because she has screwed up elsewhere. If she didn’t really think it through and made promises to her friend she may be more focused on the fact she’s going to have to backtrack on that than on the impact of her request to you. (I’m not saying she’s right to do that, she’s not, it’s a shitty way to treat you, I’m just saying she doesn’t necessarily blame you even though she’s annoyed at the situation, she may actually blame herself).

Try not to worry about it. There isn’t anything you can do to change her screw up. Find the clothes you still have that your baby isn’t still wearing and put them out for her to collect. Her friend hasn’t even had the baby yet, she can wait. Then later (if you want to) when your baby is no longer wearing the larger clothes, you can “find” them and offer them to your friend.

Don’t reconsider accepting help from others. Most of the time hand me downs are not a minefield that test relationships, they’d a wise, environmentally friendly and financially savvy way of dealing with child growth. You might want to think more carefully about your friend, though. She is not currently treating you well at all.

You are well within your rights to use any clothes donated/lent to you, and I applaud your use of second hand clothing rather than contributing to clothing waste by buying everything new. I would just say learn a lesson from this to never give away/get rid of/sell anything donated to you without first checking with the person who gave it to you that they don't want it back. The only things you can give away, to your niece or anyone else, without first checking are the things you buy yourself and it is clear you explicitly own.

If somebody gives you a birthday present you assume it’s yours right?

Would you say can I keep it? No it was given to you.

OPs friend has some nerve no consideration for her friend!!

HOWEVER, its common decency to offer baby items back before donating them

NEVER heard of or done this. Baby clothes are generally given away. Highly unusual to be asking for them back. Especially as OP has said they were not high end clothes and some were not in particularly good condition.

I can understand wanting something with sentimental value back or something expensive, like a cot, but then you would be very clear that it was a 'loan'. I wouldn't pass on any special items of baby clothing in the first place (not that this has anything to do with friend's request)

My computer is being very slow atm. Missed update post

I dont get why she'd ask for them back. Don't get that concept in any sense, if you've given it, you've given.

If they were a loan then she should have specifically stated that when she gave them to you.
She didn't say it was so therefore there was no assumption to give back, they are yours to keep.

However if there are genuinely wires crossed and she did infact say it was a loan then she has every right to be pissed. I know I would deffo be especially if it was expensive. But she DIDN'T.

But something doesn't quite sit right with me about your friend and this situation. Why ask her mum to ask you? And why say do you still have the clothes? If you know she has to have the clothes because it was a loan.

I reckon she's realised she could sell it on or make money with it so wants it back and I think her mum may have somthing to do with this too.

Don't give her any money, i think that's what she's after. If you feel really bad and don't want to lose the friendship then maybe buy her daughter a mid range priced 1 set of clothes Cath kidston , joules ect. But personally I'd phase out friends like that, more hassle than their worth

I applaud you for regifting them to be used again, you could have sold on for own gain but you didnt. And YES please keep DDs first outfit, sometimes I still take LOs out and reminist.

OP you have done nothing wrong, I am surprised that several but not the majority on this thread 'loan' baby clothes. Maybe loan maternity wear but baby clothes... vomit, food, poo, wee and to be honest if I knew someone was giving my newborn third-hand baby clothes I'd be like wtf? A gift is something that is given forever, a loan is a feel good scenario for the giver.

Your friend was kind and offered you her baby clothes. When you had finished with it you should have asked if she wanted it back or if not could you pass it on to your niece. I think you need to ring your friend and explain your niece is wearing them but you will return them soon. Your niece must be grown out of some things and must have had some of her own clothes given to her when she was born. It sounds like a misunderstanding. Be careful not to lose your kind friend over it.

I would definitely keep the first outfit and hat you mentioned. This other friend has 5 boys already so these neutral bits are hardly the ‘girl’ outfits your friend is presumably asking you to return.

My MiL have me a big bag of books she buys them and reads in 2 or 3 days then passed them on to me. I enjoy reading them and then always ask if she wants them returned. She always says no and then I ask if I can pass them on to my sister. Even though she always says she does not want them back, I always check to be polite.

I thought initially that perhaps she'd noticed you'd taken the scissors to her DD's baby clothes (that are now used as rags) & wished to save remainder from a similar fate! If ye are best pals for 20+ yrs, I doubt that this will destroy that friendship. But I would myself have clarified that she definitely did not want them before passing on. But also she should have been clear if there was a chance she might come looking for their return. I think both a little at fault here. But hard to believe it gathered momentum for this many pages all the same....

If a baby has a dozen or so outfits in 0-3 and only wears each one a few times each. Then op DD was chunky and grew out of it very fast
How would it be falling to bits for 3rd child to wear? I think that is odd statement to make.

Even if the friend thought OP would ask before handing them on elsewhere, she's still asking for them back before OP is done with them in order to pass them on to someone else who the friend apparently thinks is more deserving of her "generosity" than OP. That is incredibly rude of the friend all by itself.

I was given clothing from my sister and 2 friends when I had my ds1 and took photos of it all together do I knew where it had come from. So if I was going to see my sister I would dress son in outfit she had passed on to me. Everyone likes to think your baby is wearing what you have passed on to them. I would always check if person who passed me clothing wanted it back. Especially if in very good condition.

OP please ignore the "you should have checked first" brigade. You did nothing wrong and you are trying to rectify a mistake you did not make. What you SHOULD NOT do is ask for a gift back without a very good reason. As already said, never come across anyone wanting baby clothes back. The fact that, as far as she is aware, your baby could still be wearing them but she wants them ASAP is quite unpleasant and a bit weird.

Wondering if her friend would actually want these third-hand clothes?

Op I grew up in clothes from cousins and my mums friends children. After I wore them they went to someone else if they were still wearable. As an adult I’ve gladly accepted second hand clothes for DSD and never once thought it more than a gift. They’ve gone to my nieces or charity shops if the condition was good enough.

I can’t imagine anyone expecting clothes back, unless they were very explicit from the outset, such as a christening gown

You have done nothing wrong, you’ve simply shown kindness by helping someone else

Don't feel bad, you did what every person would do when given hand me downs, pick what you want, op shop or bin the rest depending on condition and then pass on anything still useable after your child grew out of them.

She is the one taking the unusual stance of assuming they would come back to her without actually stating that when she gave them to you.