Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

TBF two of my friends have LOs 6 months older and 6 months younger than my 2 year old so when they were small babies clothes would be passed down from my friend to me, then to our other friend, then they go back to their original home in case they have more children. She puts initials on the labels in sharpie so we remember to return them. We have an agreement that if they get stained/ruined then it’s no biggie because that’s what happens with kids clothes.

When I was given hand me downs I always double checked whether they wanted them back or not. I’m not judging OP though, I can see why she thought the clothes were a gift and didn’t think anything of passing them on.

It’s interesting that she’s suddenly asked for the clothes back. The question is why now?
Is she terribly hard up and wants to sell them the clothes ? And Is she regretting not asking you for some money at the time?
Or perhaps she feels like you’ve lost interest in her and so she’s regretting her gift to you as she feels rejected and so resentful.
Often in my experience a gift from some people isn’t just about the gift it’s a way of them expressing their feelings for you. X

Remembering back to how many clothes my babies soiled etc I’m amazed anyone would expect or want now third hand clothes back! YANBU

From your OP I was in full support of you, it seemed a genuine accident and like you felt very bad about it. However with each of your updates you have got more unreasonable and more unpleasant.

Calling your 'friend' a spoilt only child.

Firstly saying you have none of them and then saying - 'I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant again.' - they aren't yours to keep, you got the benefit of use but now the original owner wants them back and you should return them. If you are lucky enough to have another baby you can buy your own baby clothes.

You claim to have been through a lot (which I don't doubt) but she seems to have been through a lot too which you seem to gloss over to gain sympathy for yourself and paint her as unreasonable.

Claiming you will not 'take the clothes off your nieces back' whilst having no appreciation for the fact they weren't yours to put on her back in the first place - essentially trying to paint your friend as someone trying to rob a baby of something when she really wants back something that she gave to you but wasn't yours to give on, and you failed to check about this.

For the stuff you've cut up there's no going back and you just have to explain and apologise for it but the stuff you still have but are keeping 'just in case' you should return and the stuff you've passed on to your niece, you need to call and explain to them the situation. If they can return it immediately (i.e have other clothes) they should do, if not it should absolutely be returned once she has grown out of it.

Eh I don't understand why you can't just honestly explain.... You gifted them on to someone else who really needs them because you didn't realise she would want them back. Then ask if there were any specific bits she wanted and you can try to get them if it's just a few items....

If she was a good friend she really wouldn’t make an issue out of this .

OP has explained and friend seems upset. Sounds, to me, like friend and her mum had a conversation, about getting clothes back for other friend, where mum has taken umbrage on her behalf and got her riled up and is also wading in on her behalf. She is being unreasonable.

OP is doing what she can and giving back some bits. She can give more back when her dd grows out of them and ask family for the rest when they have finished with them. I wouldn't give a fig about the condition or remembering which bits were hers, just give what you can back. Morally there is no need, but she has been a kind friend in the past. I suspect this will not be the end of it and will niggle for some time, but OP will have done all she can without putting anyone else out.

Like other posters, I was given a load of baby clothes, and I never questioned whether my friend would want them back. Luckily she obviously didn't. I also gave away all my sons baby/childhood clothes to my bil - taken as read that these were a gift to do with whatever they wanted even turn them into rags!

I am an only child and did not take offence at OP's comments. I know what she meant. I have met some very spoilt onlys, but some "nice" ones too. My parents went to great lengths to make sure I grew up 'unspoilt' which was very annoying at the time!

Think you're being abit pathetic. Your friend is being unreasonable but if you've been friends for so long why cant you just tell her straight

Your friend is batshit, and I think I'd be revaluating the friendship, On a similar note, a friend offered me some clothes before my daughter was born but made it clear she would want it all back, so I refused the offer.
Another friend gave me lots and specified she didn't want it back. Both normal behaviour, but your friend is rather odd

@crispysausagerolls
I don’t think people on here have been awful at all.
I am sure I will get piled on for this but it sounds like a lot of people in your social circle are having children without being able to afford to see to their basic needs eg clothing them.

It's a ridiculous waste of money and resources to clothe a baby in brand new clothes if there is the option to reuse others!

@Caelan2018

Get her a gift voucher and say thanks so much for all the clothes but as you never said they were on loan I have passed them on to my niece I hope this is not going to be problem ... say something like that why is her mother looking for the stuff back

She's on UC and the woman gave her the clothes, why the hell should she buy her a voucher when the grabby cow now says she wants them back? RTFT, she wants the clothes back 'ASAP'.

Does the other woman even want them? I know if I was having a girl after 5 boys (or vice versa) I'd be having a ball picking out clothes.

OP is doing what she can and giving back some bits.

Except she's not. Unless I missed an update (which I don't think I've managed having RTFT) OP has kept and wants to keep some of the neutral/grey bits just in case she has another baby and some things she thinks are 'special' despite in the original post claiming she gave them all away/got rid. And has made no effort to contact her sister about original owner of the clothes wanting them back, even if after her niece has grown out of them. Instead OP continually goes on about how her 'friend' is a selfish only child (doesn't sound like they're very good friends from here) and she never imagined this would happen. Which is fair, she couldn't have predicted it, but now she knows appears to be making 0 effort to resolve the situation.

Certainly it would be ridiculous to pay money for someone's hand-me-downs!

OP is right only children do have traits. I have an “only” at the moment he’s still young and I don’t notice as much yet but in the future I’m sure I will. I’m also best friends with someone who is an “only”. I don’t think OP meant any harm.

What type of friend would for anything back? I wish I had the confidence .

I have said further back that I'm getting together the bits I can. I'll leave them outside so my friend can collect them. The neutral bits I would have liked to keep is a grey stripy baby grow that my daughter was put in by my husband after she was born. And a little white pointy hat she used to wear the first few days. That's all. I'd like to have kept those because they are special to me and remind me of the happiness of having my new miracle baby. I'm not refusing to give anything back. But there's honestly not much left to give after everything

And I've never said there aren't any left. There are some left. I was just trying to be a good friend and I've literally been ripped to flipping peices. I'd like to thank everyone who left positive advice and support x

Except she's not. Unless I missed an update

Guess you did

Whenever I've given my boys clothes away I've given them away permenantly after my first I kept all that was good as I knew I planned another , but when I had my second I thought we would likely not have another one so gave all my stuff away or sold items that were larger like prams etc
I did loan my sil baby walker someone had gave me when ds1 was born as her ds 10 months older and it's a thing that you don't use for long but made sure she knew it was a loan
( she did but unfortunately never looked after it great so wasn't much good - lesson learnt )
But loaning baby clothes is difficult as they can get ruined
Op I would return what you think you have and maybe contact brother and sil and ask if they can return items once their daughter grows out and then give what you can back to your friend as if she's giving to another friend who's pregnant who might have a girl she won't need them yet anyway .
I was also slightly annoyed as I gave a friend some car seat toys and pram toys and after she used them she sold them on a local site which I felt was a little cheeky as I gave her them for free but they were hers as I gave them to her , just would of thought would of been nice for her to pass on for free to someone in need also

I'm up doing the night feed so thought I'd have a quick look. I've messaged her again today to ask if she's OK. If she wants to talk about anything else or if she wants a cup of coffee in my garden. No reply. Not muchore I can do to be honest. I will just leave the bag of stuff I have left outside for her tomorrow. Which is when she wants to come and get it. We have kept on contact. No argument or any issues. So I don't understand. I do have autism so I can get things wrong sometimes but I think I've been a pretty good friend here. And read the situation well. When she gave me all this stuff I gave her a bottle of wine and some chocolates to say thank you. I honestly don't think I've done anything wrong here. And yes in hindsight I would have asked before giving some bits to my brothers new baby. But I've never done this before. I don't know how it goes or baby clothes etiquette.

Ahhh don’t worry OP. MN tends to have tough opinions. I’m sure some of these people wouldn’t be so harsh in real life!

It it was my friend I don’t see how we could have the same friendship again. I think it’s selfish of your friend infact I don’t think we would speak again.

OP please look out and save the bits you want to keep as a meomory. Your 'friend'wont know the difference.

And lets face it, the way things have went so far, the freindship is probably unfixable now anyways.
You did nothing wrong dont doubt yourself.

You are both wrong. Friend should have said if she wanted you to pass them on to someone else or give them back after. HOWEVER, its common decency to offer baby items back before donating them.

I think you are less in the wrong, because she said she'd already held back the special items. And because she hasn't said 'do you still have the clothes'/offered to wait for them. Saying she wants them within a week when she isn't pregnant suggests she is cross about something. Has she seen a photo of your niece in the clothes and she's annoyed you didn't check before passing them on? Does she know someone else in need and just assumes you still have them?

I have given away tonnes of clothes and baby items, some very expensive. I've always been clear that they are to be passed on or charity shopped after. I've also loaned baby clothes and made it clear they were a loan, but I didn't want them to worry if anything got worn out or ruined.

Op I don't think you have done anything wrong either she never made it clear they were a loan and if it were me I would be pleased you were able to pass on to someone else as well (unlike my friend who sold the free stuff )
Don't feel bad about what you get your daughter wether second hand or new. Babies don't know any different and don't care if brand new baby grow or 3rd /4th Hand as long as they are warm and clean

YANBU. Who asks for baby clothes back?? that is very weird.

It's just she grows so fast I really can't afford new everything. I do buy a new pack of vests and sleepsuits now for every size but I also get a bag of girls clothes on buy sell swap. Abd sort out what I want and donate the rest into a bag ready for when my neice is older.