Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

So strange! I'd never give someone my old baby clothes then ask for them back months later. After being used by 2 babies and being washed multiple times the quality won't even be as good. Bottom line is she told you they were yours when she gave them to you so she'll get back whatever you can find/feel like giving.

I haven’t read the full thread but DS is 14 months and received clothes from birth from my step niece who has DS a few months older and a work colleague, who has DS one year older. I’m now passing them on to a friend of mine who has DS 6 months younger. This is the norm.
I’ve always kept anything that I wanted (first outfits etc) and put them in storage as keepsakes.

If you want something back you say I'll loan you some baby clothes or I'll sell you some baby clothes. The ops friend GAVE her the baby clothes with no mention of if or when to return them .
I give plenty to the charity shop , I can't ask for them back .
People are a bit mental if they expect others to give them back after 12 months otherwise it's not given it's a loan which is completely different.

Three words

GIVE
LOAN
SELL.

All have very different meanings. If you GIVE something away then it no longer belongs to you. YANBU at all.

You've had a bit of a drubbing on here OP - pretty undeserved as well I think.

Don't let this weird behaviour from your friend upset you or question your life choices any more. Just gather up what clothes you still have (not what your brother/SIL are using) and give those back or she can collect from you.

I'm unsure why your friend's mother became involved but it's a shame your friend let her (assuming she knew). I'm not surprised you are hurt about the way such a preciously good friend has behaved and I'd just back away at least for a while.

Sending you a huge comforting hug. 🍷 🌹

Op, you've done nothing wrong at all. It was a gift with hidden strings. She's blown this hugely out of proportion.

We had issues with a friend who was really pushy and insistent on us borrowing her Moses basket and other bits, which were all mamas and papas. She said she would want it all back for her second child. There was no way we were accepting as I'd have never relaxed using it and trying to keep it all pristine to hand back. We stood firm and bought our own overpriced mamas and papas stuff.

@ToftyAC did you literally just write "Indian giver"?Do you have any idea how offensive that is?

And I just wanted to add if I was loaned some baby clothes I'd be terrified they'd get stained or whatever by wearing because well baby's get messy or ruined in the wash . So If someone loaned me clothes I'd not want them for that reason I'd feel I'd have to take extra good care of it as I'd have to give them back .

@Evasmummy2019 don’t worry about it op, if you came on here saying how you only buy new things for your baby never second hand you would get so many people slating you for not thinking of the environment and how can you bring a child into the world and think of the dwindling resources. You’re damed if you do and damed if you don’t. You sound lovely and normal. I was gifted some many clothes for my kids and I’ve passed on what I don’t need. Doesn’t everyone no matter their finical position do this? It’s just kindness and it makes sense sometimes they are in things for a short time/once/not at all.

@Evasmummy2019 sorry also got to mention I agree you’ve not done anything wrong. If she wanted them back she should have said at the beginning of the “loan”

[quote Josette77]@ToftyAC did you literally just write "Indian giver"?Do you have any idea how offensive that is?[/quote]
Yes and a complete misnomer anyway.

The US govt “gave” land to the American Indians then took it back.

A gift is a gift🎀please just say "as they were a gift I've loved using them but in the spirit of motherly kindness have passed them on to someone who needed & appreciated them, hope you don't mind " xx

You just need to explain that they have been well worn and anything worth saving was given to SIL. Once she is finished with them then friend is welcome to have them back. End of.

Yes and a complete misnomer anyway. The US govt “gave” land to the American Indians then took it back.

The phrase goes back to the early English settlers mistaking attempts by native Americans to barter goods with them as gifts.

The History Behind The Phrase 'Don't Be An Indian Giver'

@Evasmummy2019
How very awkward indeed... personally I would speak to my friend & explain that I wasn't clear that they were on loan & that I have also passed some on & would she like me to ask for them back... leaves the entire decision including of friendship down to her now

Be generous in your thoughts and deeds!

1. Its definitely an odd request.
2. As most parents do, I made sure i kept the clothes i really valued from my two now-grown-up sons. However its just about possible, as you were pregnant, that you didn't hear the word 'loan', although with 2 big bags this does sound unlikely.
3. Sounds like shes knows its a bit odd, because she got her mother to broach the subject, or her mother 'offered' to say it because her daughter is upset in some way.
4. I think theres potentially a lot of emotional background here, if she cant have more children...and so she is regretting passing the clothes over.
5. If shes a close friend i would give her back whichever clothes you still have and simply explain that the others were given away. Honesty and openess is best. But I wouldnt approach your niece or involve her.
6. Finally i would also insist on talking it through with her, and finding out why she's upset , and whether she's in debt, and see if you can help her in some way.

You are being unreasonable. It's not your friends problem that your nieces parents can't afford clothes.

I've been lent/given clothes by two friends. One we discussed it was a loan one we didn't. As my baby as grown out of them I've treated it all the same and washed and put them away for my friends to take back and loan on /sell as they see fit. If they say at that point that they don't want them I'll give them away.

I think you're bang out of order to be annoyed and say you won't take them back from your niece but also that you can't afford to give her some money for them. How dare you give away the nice stuff and chop the rest up as rags!! It's wrong to assume. Wouldn't blame your mate if she doesn't help you out again, you clearly don't appreciate it

@roxfox so when you agree that children’s clothes are on loan from your friend what is the procedure of some get stained or damaged beyond reasonable use, do you have to replace them like for like or give her money for them?

What if all of the clothes were rendered unusable by the time it came to return them? The whole ‘loan’ system just doesn’t work with wear and tear items.

Seriously you have done nothing wrong, l can't believe that your friend is asking for these clothes back, its ridiculous, there's got to be more to this than shes saying because it makes no sense to me. It's not very nice that you have been made to feel like this, hope you get it sorted.

Is her Mum mean? Some people are surprisingly so. A friend insisted I take her baby changing table, saying she hated it and it was taking up space in her house. She is a hoarder and has rooms full of ‘bargains’. It was cumbersome and despite being big, it was quite fragile and cheap. The plastic changing cover split slightly. I tried to get it replaced but to no avail. I explained the situation to her and she was fine about it - she really wanted to get rid of it but said she was glad it was of some use. Then she got pregnant again and all of a sudden demanded it back. Then repeatedly complained that it was not in the condition she gave it to me and said her husband was ‘not happy’ (he’s very wealthy). I offered to replace but she kept insisting was all right. Yet the complaining continued. I learned my lesson. Just say no to people ‘bearing baby gifts’. They often use you as free storage space.

Yes she's asked for everything back. Most 3 to 6 shes out of in 6 to 9 and 9 to 12 but for all she know yes she's still in 3 to 6 xxx

So she really does want to take the clothes (theoretically) off your DD’s back, so she can look good to her other friend who doesn’t even need baby clothes yet! Your friend is very odd!

You could explain to her that you hadn't realised this was only a loan and that you had already passed them on to someone else. Apologise for the misunderstanding and assure her that you can ask for your sister-in-law to return them soon as her baby outgrows them which will only be in a month or two. Perhaps they want to pass them on to someone else. Who knows. Good luck!

I would just explain that when she passed them to you she didn't say she wanted them back and you passed them on. You haven't done anything wrong.

Get her a gift voucher and say thanks so much for all the clothes but as you never said they were on loan I have passed them on to my niece I hope this is not going to be problem ... say something like that why is her mother looking for the stuff back