Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

If she wanted them back, she should have said at the time.

She gave them to you as a gift so you can do what you want with them. If you have passed them on, that is your choice.

I would tell her you won't be asking for them back from your niece as she is using them. If any of the stuff you kept has become special to you, I wouldn't be giving that back either.

Also agree its odd. I had some really beautiful posh clothes bought for me when dd was tiny that I fully intended to keep. When my sister had a dd herself 6 months later I thought it was a shame for them yo not get more use so I passed them on but asked her to give them back when finished with but not to worry if they got ruined, she was to enjoy them without stressing and just give back after she was done. She then went on yo have another dd and im finished so I told her to keep them until she's done but reminded her that any that were still in good condition I'd like back after. Ive also given her and other friends stuff I haven't cared about so much so never said anything about them. It wouldn't even cross my mind that these would be returned, in fact I'd think it was lovely that they are getting some extra use?

It is a bit weird to ask for them back. The social norm is to give them away, not loan them. Has she given a reason for wanting them back?

I got given loads of stuff Once by a friend literally 4 bin bags as she was decluttering she told me anything I didn’t want to get rid of so I sorted it all and had some for charity

Luckily I didn’t take it immediately as 2 months later she wanted it back as was expecting again

Don't be ridiculous @crispysausagerolls - We live a very comfortable lifestyle, but I still bought secondhand clothes for my child and also took seconds from friends and vice versa. Children grow out of clothes quickly and I think we buy too much that ends up in the landfill.

YABU @Evasmummy2019 I think you have already gone above and beyond in trying to remedy the situation. Your friend is unhinged.

OMG I’ve just read this and am horrified! You can’t give someone baby clothes and then ask for them back months later wtf?!? My sister gave me 3 massive Ikea bags of baby clothes On sunday as there are 15 months between our children.
She was like keep what you want do what you want with the rest. I take her to mean pass them on whether that be to friends, charity whatever. I’m already out of the newborn stuff and have a bag ready to give my friend who is due in September. That’s the point isn’t it, babies grow out of stuff so fast unless something is badly stained and thrown away or worn till it wears out you just pass it on!

Considering you are such good friends can you tell her you have passed them to your niece and will give them back when she grows out of it? I personally thinknits shitty to ask for ANYTHING back that you have given to someone. I have 2 sons and I gave all my first sons clothes away then when I was pregnant with 2and my friend actually gave them back without me asking. She was then pregnant after so they went back. She then gave them to her sister after these clothes have done a turn for 5 boys in 11 years :)

Also why did her mum ask and not her?

Op, don't take anything people on here say, personally. You haven't done anything wrong at all.
It's your friend that is acting strangely. She admitted it wasn't a loan at the time. Don't worry about it. She's obviously got some emotion attached to those clothes, but she shouldn't have given them away in the first place.
Ignore and try to forgive her for her irrational behaviour, if she's normally a good friend.

She knows she is wrong which is why she got her mother to contact you first. Hiding behind her mother at 32? I would have serious questions about this friendship and how much of a friend she really is.

Best not to blow this up out of proportion and ruin a lovely friendship.
I think the best thing to say is “ ooohh “I didn’t realise you wanted them back, I’ve passed them on to my niece, but she’ll soon be finished with them”.
See what she says and if she still wants them you can retrieve the clothes your niece has grown out of?
If she has a genuine reason for wanting baby clothes you could buy a job lot of newborn clothes very cheaply on ebay and pass them on to her in lieu of the ones she passed to you?

Haven’t RTFT but in my experience people hear what they want to hear.

Someone I know once took a loan of some expensive maternity clothes (some of which were loaned to me) and then sold them
on EBay which I thought was bang out of order. Claimed she didn’t know they were a loan. Hmm. Among my friends of child bearing age, mat clothes are always loans unless specifically told “I never want to see these again.”

I would give what I have back and explain you gave the rest away and didn't realise they were on loan.

I had this happen to me! I just said to my friend I was sorry I didn't realise they were being lent to me and I'd already passed them on. She was fine about it.

@Blahblahblah99

My comment was in no way about people using second hand clothes. Second hand clothes make sense - lots of people of all financial situations buy them. That’s not what I was saying. OP has made several comments to the effect of her and her brother not wanting to return the clothes because they can’t afford to buy other clothes. I think it’s a bit much to have children if you can’t spend 2£ at ASDA on a pack of 10 babygros or whatever.

But I’m in the minority because I am also horrified that someone would cut up baby clothes given to them to use as rags. Sooner offer them back in case previous owner wants to make a blanket out of them or something.

I had the same issue with my sister. Not just clothes but toys as well which we didn’t ask for. I was terribly upset over it and she didn’t say we’ll be wanting them back. I felt so bad about it.

Technically you should have asked your friend if she wanted the ones back before you passed them on out of politeness. But if she didn’t Make it clear they were a loan then that’s down to her and I’ll politely tell her so.

I hate when people give things away but aren’t clear if they are to keep or not. Not fair to do and causes a lot of ill feeling. If you tell your SIL and have a good rant about your friend to her your SIL may be more than happy to hand back the of the clothes rather than feel indebted every time she sees her daughter wearing them.

you have done nothing wrong OP.

If I were you I would treat my friend like I usually do and pretend nothing is happened. Your friend was unfair to put you in an uncomfortable position where you feel guilty and as if you owe her (which you do not). Please don't let this get to you. The problem is your friends at the end of the day.

Didnt know people loaned baby clothes to their friends.

I am not too sure why you feel you need to keep them or make it difficult for her. Maybe she has another friend who needs the clothes.
All those saying should have specified that she wanted the clothes back, dont seem to think that the OP should have asked if she did before giving the clothes away.
Either way you can return the ones you have and tell you will have the others in a short time.
You dont want to lose a friendship and someone who is willing to help, just because of a misunderstanding.

@CecilyP

Honestly, OP, don't feel bad. I think someone is a rubbish friend and that someone isn't you! One more question, has she also asked for stuff your DD is still wearing? Also, does she even know your DD has outgrown the 3-6 months clothes?

Yes she's asked for everything back. Most 3 to 6 shes out of in 6 to 9 and 9 to 12 but for all she know yes she's still in 3 to 6 xxx

@Evasmummy2019

I don’t understand why you can’t just return what you have and aren’t using?

You are not in the wrong here @Evasmummy2019. I think your friend has regretted giving her DS's stuff away and is now trying to make you feel bad. On another, note, it's much better for the environment for parents to swap /share children's clothes, it's got nothing to do with being able to afford it.

my sister had my niece who is almost 6 now and then our cousin had her little girl I think she's nearly 4 or just turned 4. my sister gave loads of clothes to her for her little girl and never ever expected them back my sister then went on to have her 2nd daughter who has just turned 3 and my cousin passed her aload of clothes and my sister was so happy and excited sending me pictures of clothes I bought for her first daughter like "omg remember this" she was thrilled to be able to have some of the same stuff for her 2nd daughter but never in a million years expected any of them back. once she gave them to our cousin they where to do with as she pleases whether that was bin, sell or pass on to someone else 🤷‍♀️