Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

It seems from her reply that even if you had checked beforehand it wouldn't make a difference - she agreed it was not a loan but still felt fit to change her mind after the fact.

Best take a step away from her tbh, and you can always try to avoid future hassle by asking what should be done with any other hand me downs when you're done with them (doubt it would have changed the outcomes here though)

Don't torture yourself, and dont fall over yourself trying to smooth it over. There was no malice on your part and you've been honest. Up to her to see her own fault in her disappointment.

Honestly OP, I'd be telling her she's been ridiculous at this stage. She admitted they were given, not loaned out. And now she wants you to take them off someone else, just so she can give them to someone who might be having a girl. Tell her they're gone, she won't be getting them back, and she needs to deal with it and get over it. It's a bit of clothing, not the royal jewels.

I’m interested to know the outcome of this

Lots potentially going on OP that has nothing to do with you.

You have behaved impeccably and gracious throughout. Don’t let this cause you anymore stress.

Your friends mother contacting you - was v weird though - I thought the GM had maybe referred to an item that she has bought and kicked off when friend said she has given it away? But you said the GM was v interfering so your poor friend has that cross or bear.

Maybe your friends friend announcing a 6th pregnancy is tough if your friend can’t have any more.

So I would say just from your threads that your friend is emotionally vulnerable, has either miscommunicated upfront and/or is reacting off-kilter right now.

Maybe don’t take it personally, don’t add fuel to the fire, if she is a good friend cut her some slack (we are all a bit unhinged right now) - agree to retrieve the items as soon as you can - and be proud that you were an emotionally intelligent and resilient person to seek advice on here and TALK it through with her for clarification.

Put it behind you. Enjoy ever precious moment of your baby girl and look forward to another baby in the future.

If this was a “one off” look to make more compromises and have more compassion at this time to preserve the friendship if it has been valuable to you.

And relax.......

I've been given a lot of baby clothes by a friend, when I'm done with them I will be checking with her first before passing them on to anybody (just in case there is someone else she wants to give them to).

However it sounds like you are really close, I'm surprised you didn't just automatically text back saying omg so sorry I didn't think you would be wanting them back and I've passed them on!
I'm sure she will get over it, not worth stressing about.

I don't think you can give baby clothes as a loan as they could so easily get ruined/stained.

For people saying they have never heard of people lending baby clothes, my sister has lend me her baby clothes, but she made it clear she wants them back.

I wouldn't say you've passed them on in case she expects you to ask them for them back and then you put yourself in an awkward position with someone else, I'd just say I haven't got them any more and if she asks why say you took them to a charity shop and end it there if she wants to make a song and dance she can do it on her own.

Generally you don't ask for things back because you've changed your mind and the fact her mum asked you is a good indicator of why she thinks its acceptable.

I think if you friend had said ‘Oh other friend is pregnant and I wondered if you still had any of the clothes I gave you?‘ that would have been better.

How crazy! Never heard of people loaning baby clothes. You've done nothing wrong here op

Your friend is being the odd one here. Whenever I have passed my baby clothes on I always make sure I keep the ones that have special memories or were bought for a special event. Just so we have something to look back on. I had 3 girls but by time each one was born they had their own clothes, either new or second hand. I always say to my friends to pass them on and it's been a delight to see lots of little girls wearing dds clothes over the years. But I wouldn't want them back as I kept the special ones. I wouldn't pass on ones that were destined to be used as rags though as to me that's just using someone to pass on items that should have been taken to dry dump maybe. Anyway try not to panic. Enjoy your little girl and dont accept anything from her again xx

@Evasmummy2019

It is really weird how she's handled this. I'm not going to lie it's caused me a bit if worry and I've got enough to worry about at the current time. I've managed to get a few bits up together this morning and I'll sort through my daughters old clothes that I haven't yet donated. She's just gone into 9 to 12. So I've gotten big bags from Facebook marketplace and bought a pack of vests and sleepsuits. I have asked my friend if she's OK. No response. And thank you for all your kind advice. I didn't think I'd get so many replies to be honest.

I'm glad it has caused you to question the friendship because it's a really shitty thing to do and she continues to be shit, needs them back 'ASAP', getting upset when she gave you the clothes and not responding to you.

I'd be taking a big step back from her.

Do not give her any clothes she didn't give you under a sense of trying to placate her, you have to be a total twat to give someone clothes, NO mention it's a loan, and then ask for them back. That's tacky AF.

Wouldn't message her again about it. She can whistle for them, come and pick them up herself if she wants them. I'd leave them in a bag at the door and pretend not to be in or not be in.

It's a bit off to say she's spoilt because she's an only child ffs!

I'm not going to lie this thread has made me question myself and if I can actually afford my daughter
Question other people's motives when you're offered things, that way you can watch your own back.

MN is a world of its own, it really is
I love reading the threads on here, thankfully MY world and the reality around me isn't anything like what the 'majority' consensus on MN sounds like sometimes
I'm 40 this year and i've never come across anyone being put in your position in real life - only on MN

The weirdest shit i've personally come across was when my elder sister turned her nose up at warming her toddler's milk in my microwave, claiming it was 'unhealthy/dangerous'..........but i knew for a fact she did it at home!

I'm not meaning to be snobbish but how many children will these clothes have now seen? I had plenty of hand me downs from my cousin whose DS was 5 months older than mine. I also passed mine on to younger sister. But when you are talking about the 3rd/4th kid arent the clothes just a bit grim by then?!

I gave my mum a bunch of flowers for her birthday. I didn't go around a week later and ask for them back.

Don't buy replacement stuff for her. As PP said though, I would round up what's left when your brother's finished with them, if it's in reasonable condition.

As another poster said, if you're giving away baby clothes, you do so in full knowledge that they're likely to get peed, puked and pooed on. If they don't, great, but when people have given me clothes it's never been implied they ever wanted them back. It wouldn't even cross my mind to be honest. In her position, I wouldn't dream of doing this.

I'd just give her what you have and be done with it. If your brother can salvage some, all well and good. If not, forget about it. She'a being daft

I think if you friend had said ‘Oh other friend is pregnant and I wondered if you still had any of the clothes I gave you?‘ that would have been better.

Exactly. Her mum sounds weird involving herself as well.

@monkeymonkey2010 your example about the milk is the perfect example of MN! You can’t take some things on here too seriously

She should have been clearer but I think you should have asked before passing them on.
As it’s too late now honesty would be the best policy.

I agree with the majority, YANBU.

Just send her a nice message saying:

Hi friend
I'm ever so sorry but as you didn't stipulate the clothes were on loan I threw away the clothes that wern't suitable and passed on the rest.
I'm feel dreadful for the miscommunication and I'm unsure how to rectify this.
Is there anything I can do?

That way you've done 5 things:

• you've been honest
• you've reiterated that she didn't stipulate it was a loan
• you've apologised
• you've made it clear they are gone
• you've put the ball back in her court re: resolution

It's all you can do and if you lose the friendship that's on her not you.

YANBU but I do think it’s helpful to double check before giving away clothes that have been handed down.

Is there any reason your friends mum texted instead of your friend?

This is so odd. If I lend someone something I say to them, just give it back whenever, no rush. I always make sure they know it’s a loan. We’ve been given loads of clothes from a friend and my SIL and when we’re done with them we pass them on for my niece, along with any other clothes that we’ve bought and are still in decent condition. I always say just bin or donate or pass on any that are no use. I’ve never known anyone ask for baby clothes back.

Is there a way she knew you had given them to your brother and that made her cross and could be why she asked you for them back? She’s being completely unreasonable. I’ve given loads of my kids clothes away and have not asked for anything back. Accept that sometimes people are wierd and you can’t do anything about that. You’ve done nothing wrong xxx

Her mum is very rude to text. It's none of her business. Just text friend and say you have passed them on or given to charity. If she kicks off and asks you to ask your sister for them - say that is rude. Why would someone "loan" clothes.

My guess is she or her mum wants to sell them.

Your friend just likes to be seen as generous and have people think well of her. She gave you some things, you were grateful and now she wants to bestow these things on another friend to get more thanks. You have nothing to be sorry about, you used what she gave you and forwarded on what was still usable.

At the very most get maybe get your SIL to send a thank you card to your friend for the clothes you passed on, even that is pushing it though.