Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend is asking for baby clothes back

856 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 11:49

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

OP posts:
CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 17/06/2020 12:58

I bet the pregnant friend is praying she cant get any of the clothes back. Such a generous person giving 3rd hand baby clothes to her!

CalmdownJanet · 17/06/2020 13:06

I agree she wants to sweep in now and look generous. Stop apologising. Text her and tell her "I have as much as I am getting together in a bag, let me know when you want to collect them and I with leave them outside. To be honest I'm annoyed you gave me something, asked for my things back and are ignoring my messages now that I am doing you a favour getting what I can together so you can look generous to someone else. Don't forget to tell her you might ask for your gift back down the line when someone else you know announces they are pregnant, I'd have rather know so I could have refused in the first place"

MarinePsychiatrist · 17/06/2020 13:06

Such a generous person giving 3rd hand baby clothes to her!

Some people aren't that snobbish and are actually grateful for people giving them things.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 17/06/2020 13:07

No matter what I wouldn’t ask the brother for the baby clothes back. Especially if he’s struggling financially. It would make you just as out of order as her!

Jkslays · 17/06/2020 13:10

@Evasmummy2019

So she's rang me back and said her friend has just discovered she's pregnant again and she would like them back incase she has a girl. She already has 5 boys. I have explained to her the situation and she seems upset. Even though she agreed it wasn't a loan at the time . But she said can I round up what's left and give them back ASAP. I'm not going to be asking my brother and sister in law for my neices clothes back as she's only 5 weeks old and is still in them. My brother is struggling at the moment. I'll find what I can here and she can collect them whenever she wants. This has taught me never to accept a gift as a gift again
Or don’t cut up baby clothes you were borrowed and use them as rags, keep special bits incase you have another baby or give them to some one else.
poisson428 · 17/06/2020 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WutheringTights · 17/06/2020 13:15

People saying that she should have given them back, how do you keep track of what's going where? I was given lots of baby stuff by different people. Each time I asked whether they would want it back. One person said they would. I left their stuff in the bag and put it in the attic, then got it out when DS would have outgrown the clothes and handed them back. I don't have time to keep track of which one of a number of near-identical babygros came from where so I can give them all back to the correct person. None of the stuff I passed on was given with the expectation that I would get them back.

poisson428 · 17/06/2020 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MarinePsychiatrist · 17/06/2020 13:19

People saying that she should have given them back, how do you keep track of what's going where

We put little initials inside the neck/waistband with a sharpie. I think it's more common where I live because we're not such a rich country so we don't have this culture of throwing things out so willingly, or snobbery of not wanting something that shock horror, other babies might already have worn. Baby clothes get passed around all over the place. If someone says they're going to want them back, I just put initials in them so when my baby grows out of them, I can easily sort them and give them back or pass them on to someone else we both know, or whatever really.

poisson428 · 17/06/2020 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TowelHoarder · 17/06/2020 13:24

Nah, if I was given say 4 or 5 bits of designer baby clothes in excellent condition, like special occasion dresses or something I knew would cost at least £30 per item to buy new then I’d ask if they wanted them back, a bin bag full of supermarket baby grows not so much.

Evasmummy2019 · 17/06/2020 13:38

@RiftGibbon

This is, in places, one of the maddest threads I have ever read. The OP is getting interrogated about her IVF and motives for passing on baby clothes that were GIVEN to her.

Bloody hell.

There are plenty of ways to obtain baby clothes at low cost. There is also the option to shop online and have things delivered if cost isn't so much of an issue.

As a PP said, if you can't afford to give something, don't. But don't ask for it back.

I know. I'm not going to lie this thread has made me question myself and if I can actually afford my daughter. Why haven't I bought her more new stuff, why should I get thousands of pounds worth of treatment when others don't. Why didn't I think to ask her before passing on the clothes. Am I shitty person. Am I a shit mum or friend. Wow people are horrid
OP posts:
MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 17/06/2020 13:41

Yes I probably wouldn’t cut up anything that was given to me and use them as rags !

Evasmummy2019 · 17/06/2020 13:42

@jkslays I wasn't "borrowed" them. I was GIVEN them. When someone gives you something I think it's then yours to do what you want with. If baby grows are bobbly it stained I can use for dusting instead of throwing away

OP posts:
YesIDoLoveCrisps · 17/06/2020 13:43

Don’t feel bad @Evasmummy2019 it’s a waste of money and bad for the environment to keep buying new. Kids don’t need lots of new stuff, especially not when they are babies.

CecilyP · 17/06/2020 13:44

So what actually would you do with clothes that are overstreched, stained and falling apart? As well as nice stuff that I could pass on, I was definitely given things that were only fit for the rag bag!

CecilyP · 17/06/2020 13:48

Honestly, OP, don't feel bad. I think someone is a rubbish friend and that someone isn't you! One more question, has she also asked for stuff your DD is still wearing? Also, does she even know your DD has outgrown the 3-6 months clothes?

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 17/06/2020 13:53

@MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee

Yes I probably wouldn’t cut up anything that was given to me and use them as rags !
Well according to @MarinePsychiatrist (Some people aren't that snobbish and are actually grateful for people giving them things) you too would be regarded as a snob Grin
chateaudekaleidoscope · 17/06/2020 13:55

Round up what clothes you can and then end this friendship with this woman. You don't give things away for them to ask for them back.

Janerains · 17/06/2020 13:58

What a cheek asking for them back. And the typical AIBU crowd trying to make you feel like you’re in the wrong 🙄

Ive worried about this in the past as we have friends who have given us their daughters old clothes (always in great condition with no stains). I always ask if they will want the clothes back and if they would like any money for them. They have always said no but I’ve sent them a thank you card and a voucher a couple of times. I did double check again if they wanted the clothes back after I had finished with them but they were happy for me to pass them onto someone else.

lifestooshort123 · 17/06/2020 14:01

Round up what clothes you can and then end this friendship with this woman. You don't give things away for them to ask for them back.
This.
I'm amazed the baby clothes lasted long enough to be passed on again! Ditch the 'friend', you are a good person and deserve better treatment.

Runnerduck34 · 17/06/2020 14:14

You have done nothing wrong, you accepted the clothes in good grace and she never said she wanted them back/ they were on loan at the time. I have both given and received clothes in the past and no ones ever wanted them back. TBH if you are that precious about baby clothes do not loan/ give them to anyone. Havent read whole thread but wonder if your friend did intend them as a gift but her mum got involved and now she ( or her mum) wants them back?
I think you just have to be honest, apologize, say you were taken aback when she asked and didnt know what to say but when she gave them to you you genuinely thought they were a gift and didnt realise she wanted them back as she made no mention of that at the time so you have already passed on any good ones on and binned the stained bobbly ones . She maybe upset but that is not your fault she should have been clearer and if she cant have more dc why does she want them? Any really precious ones( first outfit etc) should have been kept by her anyway .

Mrsemcgregor · 17/06/2020 14:15

God, I gave away bags and bags of old baby clothes and was glad to get rid and have some space back. If someone had returned them to me instead of passing them on or charity shopping them themselves I would have been most agitated Grin

RhianFuckingMorris · 17/06/2020 14:16

Why don't you just ask your brother for the clothes back once your niece has finished with them and give what you have of those back. Something is better than nothing.
If you let your brother know now then he won't chuck them out before its too late.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 17/06/2020 14:22

God OP you are not a shit mum for not buying new for your DD, if you are then there are plenty of us who can join you in the shit mum club!
I’ve been given lots of hand me downs for my kids and I’ve also passed stuff onto others, it’s the sensible thing to do IMO. I would never think to give stuff back and to be honest if someone said I want these back when you’re done I probably wouldn’t take them as so much stuff gets ruined with explosive shit, mucky meal times etc and you can never guarantee the condition. It’s too much of a liability.
It sounds like your handling this as well as you can with your friend. I guess don’t accept anything else from her and maybe cool things off a bit going forward.