Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

I think your friend is behaving strangely, perhaps she likes to be seen helping everyone and wants that gratitude?

I think that sounds like a reasonable resolution and you’ve spoken properly so can hope to move on from here and stay friends. I thought it sounded like she wanted to offer them to someone else. Surely fine to round up those which you have to hand and then you could get them from your brother when their baby grows out of them (again making clear that there’s no pressure on them?) - seems like a decent result

Presumably by the time your friend needs the newborn clothes, you SILs baby will have outgrown them, and same with 0-3 and 3-6 months, so can your SIL return those clothes when she no longer needs them?

OP, thank you for this thread. I'm currently pregnant and this has taught me that I will not accept any secondhand gifts or loans. Too much of a headache.

How ridiculous of her - she is upset now but agrees that at the time she didn't say it was a loan!

OP, best get a crystal ball so you can learn how to plan for the next time she gives you something, but changes her mind later.

OP, I think you need a new friend. She's off key.

Wow! What a lovely assumption to make. Did you not factor in that there's a pandemic. People can't get new clothes as easily. People gave lost their jobs or a huge chunk of their earnings. I myself am struggling on universal credit. Where normally we are all working and doing OK.

It wouldn’t occur to me to have to give back baby clothes. There is no way of knowing what is going to get pooped or puked on and stained for good. One friend gave us clothes but they did say at the time that they would want them back. My SIL gave us 18 year old baby clothes when we were pregnant and I thankfully didn’t use anything other than body suits (because everything was pretty dated) as 2 years later it was mentioned that she’d need to get them back! Wasn’t mentioned at the time. I’ve since made a point of telling anyone I give clothes to that I don’t want them back and to pass them on etc when they’re done with them. If you give something to someone then it’s totally normal to not expect it back.

People have always used second hand baby clothes, it's not some entitled millennial new phenomenon.

If I gave someone baby clothes there's no way I would ask for them back. However my SIL did. She gave me newborn clothes for DD1 and found out she was pregnant again shortly after. They had only planned on one DC so the second pregnancy was unexpected. I remember slightly panicking when she asked for them back. She asked nicely though and I'm sure she wouldn't have said anything if I said I'd passed them on (she would have raging though coz they are very tight with money!)

There were some that were ruined so I just gave back what I had and replaced the missing items with other newborn clothes I had bought myself. She was happy with that. Just do that and it'll be fine.

It is really weird how she's handled this. I'm not going to lie it's caused me a bit if worry and I've got enough to worry about at the current time. I've managed to get a few bits up together this morning and I'll sort through my daughters old clothes that I haven't yet donated. She's just gone into 9 to 12. So I've gotten big bags from Facebook marketplace and bought a pack of vests and sleepsuits. I have asked my friend if she's OK. No response. And thank you for all your kind advice. I didn't think I'd get so many replies to be honest.

I’d just mention it to your sister in law and ask her to bag them and return them to you when finished with them. The pregnant friend can then use them too.

Your update makes her request even more ridiculous.

@PlatoAteMySnozcumber

Your update makes her request even more ridiculous.

Yes I know. I'm now questioning our friendship.

This is just ridiculous, your friend admitted the clothes were a gift to you, she can’t ask for them back and it’s crazy she has promised something she doesn’t even own to someone else.
She should have messaged you “so and so is pregnant, incase she has a girl this time would you mind keeping any outgrown clothes to give to her?”
Your friend has handled this so poorly, she has no right to be upset with you.
A gift should never be expected back.

OP try not to lose sleep over this, you’ve done nothing wrong and should not feel bad or any guilt, it’s also unfair how your friend didn’t just ask you directly and involved her mother.
You’ve known each other years yet this is how she communicates with you. I’d be questioning the friendship as well.

This whole situation has been made worse by the involvement of her mother and not just being direct.

“Hi Evasmummy! I’ve just found out friend is pregnant. Obviously she doesn’t know yet but if she has a girl, would it be possible to pass on any of those clothes I gave to you?”

“They’re currently being used by SIL for her baby but I’ll ask if they can pass them back when they’re done with them.”

“Great!”

Job done. Anxiety and upset avoided.

My god this is nuts.

I had a boy after my whole family for the past 30 years had had girls (including my own dd). So I was taken aback a bit and had zero boy clothes.

Luckily most of my friends had boys and they rallied and dropped off loads of great clothes for him. Never ever once has any of them asked for them back.

The only time it's been mentioned is when my friend went in to have another boy about 6 months after me. I asked if she'd like some of the original clothes back but she said no. She'd already kept the bits she wanted.

Easy peesy. Thank god I have reasonable friends.

I'm really sorry your friend is acting so weirdly OP. I think it's a really strange request, especially as she doesn't even know if her friend is having a girl! Also, like you said, the clothes would have been through 3 babies by then.

Yes I know. I'm now questioning our friendship.

I thought that if it were me this would make me question our friendship but I didn’t want to post that and seem over the top!

Involving her mother as well, madness. A simple explanation of the situation when she saw you would have been okay. If she casually mentioned that of course the clothes were gifted but if it turns out friend X is having a girl and you still have any you don’t need, would you mind passing them on to friend X as they are a bit hard up would IMO still be a bit cheeky but passable.

OP, thank you for this thread. I'm currently pregnant and this has taught me that I will not accept any secondhand gifts or loans. Too much of a headache.

Honestly, I was gifted loads of outgrown clothes for DS from multiple people and never had any of this nonsense from any of them!

she wants to give third hand baby clothes to a 'friend' for their new baby?!!!!
So basically, she just wants to look/come across as generous when actually she's TAKING stuff from others to pass off as 'hers'.

It's all about her image and wanting to be seen as something she's not - a caring, considerate friend.
I bet her friend wouldn't even know they were 3rd hand- she will be told they came straight out of her 'storage'.

What about the Covid risk?
Or is that something she doesn't care about when it comes to a new born?

That’s a hard situation , I’m sorry that you’re in the middle of this. She should have made it clear she wanted them back but equally you probably should have asked before passing them on.
I think you need to ask your sister in law for the Items back. Just explain that you didn’t realise it was only a loan. They were free so it’s not like she’s lost out on something really. There are always (barely used) clothes going cheap on various second hand websites. You could always go on eBay yourself and get some bits together to give to her if you feel that bad.
If the situation was that she couldn’t afford basic vests and babygrows that would be one thing. But these sound like nice-to-have rather than must haves so really they’re a luxury that aren’t rightly hers.

Sorry, she wants to give clothes, that have been through at least 3 children, but possibly more if they were 2nd hand when she got them, to someone who may or may not be having a girl? Why? Why not just buy her a 3 pack of gender neutral baby grows like a normal person? does her friend even want these presumably well worn, probably out of date clothes for her newborn? especially if she’s her only girl after 5 boys, would she not prefer to choose her own baby clothes? Utterly bizarre and controlling.

Personally I’d just tell her they all got poonami/food stains on so there’s not really much you could give back in good conscience.

It is really weird how she's handled this. I'm not going to lie it's caused me a bit if worry and I've got enough to worry about at the current time.

Stop worrying, OP. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, so it is not your responsibility to put right. Your friend wants to be seen as a kind and generous person but she is now done with being kind and generous to you and wants to be seen as kind an generous to this other friend!

And it really is weird. Her friend has just found out she is pregnant, she may be having a girl but might not. She wants the clothes ASAP but the baby, regardless of sex, is probably not due till December. So won't be needing 0-3 till your niece is 7 months and 3 -6 till your neice is 10 months but your friend wants them all and wants them now!

I would just give her what you still have (does that include stuff that your DD is still wearing?) If your SIL doesn't know your friend you could just say your friend needs them again, and could she return them to you when she has finished with them. But I would be in no hurry. I don't think I would be too bothered about the friendship as by asking this, I don't think she is valuing your friendship above being seen to help somebody else - somebody who will not need this help for another 6 months anyway.

This is, in places, one of the maddest threads I have ever read.
The OP is getting interrogated about her IVF and motives for passing on baby clothes that were GIVEN to her.

Bloody hell.

There are plenty of ways to obtain baby clothes at low cost. There is also the option to shop online and have things delivered if cost isn't so much of an issue.

As a PP said, if you can't afford to give something, don't. But don't ask for it back.