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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend is asking for baby clothes back

856 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 11:49

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

OP posts:
LoseLooseLucy · 16/06/2020 17:21

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

I wouldn't have thought she'd have wanted them back if she didn't actually say so.

PotteryLady · 16/06/2020 17:25

Just send the first message to her - if she's a good friend she will understand- please don't worry. Do it now and get it over with Daffodil

Josette77 · 16/06/2020 17:27

I don't think you did anything wrong but keeping clothes because you like them is rude. She's asked for them back you don't get to keep them. If you know where her clothes are I would just ask for them back. And her being an only child is neither here nor there.

RedPanda2 · 16/06/2020 17:34

@Chiwi haha love that!

Topsy44 · 16/06/2020 17:38

YANBU. I can never understand why people do thiis. Your friend should have made it v clear that she wanted the clothes back.

I am of the opinion though that if you're giving baby and children's clothes away it should be a gift and if there's anything sentimental or precious to you then you shouldn't loan/give it away in the first place.

Make the text to your friend short and sweet. Don't offer any money. If you lose the friendship over this, she wasn't much of a friend in the first place.

xTinkerhellx · 16/06/2020 17:43

Not sure how this has got to 14 pages??

Just text back 'Ahh, so sorry friend. Wasn't aware they were only loaned and have passed on to other babies. Sorry!'

Unsure as to why you didn't do that originally and why it's become such a big deal?

Clymene · 16/06/2020 17:44

Again, if you mean 'lend' you need to make that perfectly clear. I don't want to borrow baby clothes - it's a total pain in the arse.

StrawberrySquash · 16/06/2020 17:53

Don't text her, it'll sound dismissive. Call her, say It's about the clothes. I'm really sorry, but I've passed them on etc. I can see what I can get back once the children have grown out of them, but some are gone, gone. You obviously can't return them all tomorrow, but I wouldn't want to have an argument over this work with her, she's your friend.

Covert19 · 16/06/2020 17:54

I think it would be surprising if your friend didn't forgive you for this. It happened to me, and it was pretty easy to write it off as a misunderstanding, and in fact the friend did me a favour by getting rid of a big box of stuff which would otherwise be taking up room in my loft. I had kept back one item from each of my children, but had hoped to get other items back. As it is, that one item each is fine to remember those early weeks by. I keep them in my sock drawer and every so often I come across them and it makes me smile. If she makes a big deal out of it, she's really not that good a friend to have IMO.

solarlightexpress · 16/06/2020 17:54

I've given lots of clothes away. I do not expect them back.

Text your friend the first message, you didn't realise it was a loan and you've passed them on.

Honeyroar · 16/06/2020 17:55

Just ring her. She was nice enough to give/lend you the things. Have the manners to ring and explain.

allthedamnvampires · 16/06/2020 17:57

If you don't give the clothes you've kept back after a clear request from her, you become the cf. I'm sorry about your fertility troubles but these don't make your claim better. Your friend's infertility and what she's likely to do with the clothes is irrelevant. Just hand back all of what you have, see whether you can get the others from your db, and be done with it.

Cantbelievethiss · 16/06/2020 18:01

Just be honest with her?! 🤷‍♀️

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 16/06/2020 18:01

If just give her a call and talk it through. You’re not going to resolve anything via messages with her and things will be taken the wrong way on both sides. Try to understand why she now wants them back - maybe she’s planning to loan them to someone else? You’ll only resolve this by talking to her otherwise you’ll probably lose your friendship over it and have a massive load of anxiety to boot

cstaff · 16/06/2020 18:01

You haven't done anything wrong OP. This was a genuine mistake and more on her part than yours as she didn't say anything in advance. Also the fact that she kept one particular piece of clothing as a souvenir makes me think that she never intended to ask for them back but something has changed. You just need to be straight with her as pp have said.

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 16/06/2020 18:02

@ukgift2016 Are you willing to lose a friendship? If so then don't give them back.

That's a nice bit of emotional blackmail there Hmm

Anya2012 · 16/06/2020 18:06

Sorry but your friend is being completely unreasonable. Who asks for second hand clothes back? If she didn’t want to give them then she should never have offered them. I’ve got another baby on the way, and I haven’t given any of my sons things away incase I might need them. Then when I do eventually give them away I would never ask for them back.

Thinkingabout1t · 16/06/2020 18:06

I would just wash the clothes you still have and give them back to her, nice and neat in a bag, thanking her for the use of them. Do make it clear you didn't know it was a loan. Tell her you've passed on the others and can't now get them back, but you would have returned those to her too if you had known she would want them back.

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 16/06/2020 18:12

@Coffeebiscuitsrepeat You sound slightly paranoid! Sounds like your friend was simply making conversation! You've made a massive assumption there.

Also, I wouldn't notice £30 being randomly being added to my account Daffodil

problembottom · 16/06/2020 18:14

Oh that’s so difficult. My friend has two daughters and gave me a load of their clothes for baby DD and said she didn’t want them back, brilliant. Another friend gave me a big box of pristine clothes but wanted them back and I found that stressful so declined to have anymore after she outgrew the first batch. A friend of DP’s gave him a few bags too but wants them back so I had to be really careful about mixing them up (and DP obvs didn’t take any sodding notice). Next time around I’m going to say a firm no thanks to any clothes people want back.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 16/06/2020 18:15

@xTinkerhellx
not sure how this has got to 14 pages

Through people like you giving the same advice as was given in the first couple of pages perhaps Grin

RibenaMonsoon · 16/06/2020 18:21

My sisters DS is a couple of years older than my DS. She gave me all her baby clothes for him.

I kept them all so that I could give them back once he had grown out of them. When I told her they were ready to come back to her she looked at me like I was batshit. She didn't want them at all and assumed I'd just chuck them or donate them when I was done.

I can see theres a mixed bag of views here. But if it wasn't specified whether it was for loan or for keeps that's a miscommunication on both your parts.
I'd just call, explain the situation and apologise. That's all you can really do at this point.

Diarytime · 16/06/2020 18:24

@Z0rr0

Years ago my best friend got pregnant and I was working somewhere that I was in a position to get some really unusual and gorgeous orange (and other colours) Wallace & Gromit baby clothes. I loved them and wanted to keep them even though I had no plans then to have kids (but some day) so I really wanted my friend to have them. I gifted them but also said 'when I get pregnant I'd really like these back'. Some years later I did get pregnant. I guess she didn't realise I was serious as she had got rid of them. She never visited me or my baby(ies). We live some distance apart but I visited her both times she had her kids. It was the end of the friendship. I was very hurt that she never came to see me and my new born. (And that she gave my W&G clothes away!!) Her husband's ex even lives in our town so they drove here fairly regularly to see his sons! Anyway, I've never said that before, so apologies for making it all about me! Sure a best friend would understand their mistake (I wouldn't expect hand-me-downs to be given back, so the mistake isn't yours) and you can apologise, explain the clothes are being enjoyed yet again by your niece and of course you will get them back for her when the niece has grown out of them.
This is why people should not accept baby clothes unless they have a written agreement!!! You gifted them to her and told her you may want them back . And then fell out with her because she’d given them away. No wonder she never came to visit. A gift with conditions attached is no gift.
morriseysquif · 16/06/2020 18:34

Is there something else going on with her? Or with your friendship?

Maybe she know you don't have them but needs to pick a fight about something..... I've had this, random thing you've done wrong and then the floodgates open.

Shinygreenelephant · 16/06/2020 18:39

I do think you should have asked before giving them away. My best friend gave me lots of beautiful clothes when I had DD2, she said she was never having another one and wouldn’t want them back. I kept everything as were TTC number 3, she’s now pregnant with another girl and asked for it all back. I gave her it along with all the other clothes I bought for DD, apart from any special bits and she knows I will want it all back again when I get pregnant. Other than vests and sleepsuits which mostly just get worn out and binned, there’s no reason clothes can’t be reused again and again. A lot of it is expensive outfits that have been worn once by her dd and once by mine, and will happily survive being worn by 2 more babies! One dress that she loved got ruined when I washed it with a blue sock, she asked I told her and we laughed about it, not an issue whatsoever 🤷🏻‍♀️

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