Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

I punch a little hole in the labels with a little riveting thing so its easy to tell if something is mine.
I don't even have kids and I can't imagine having the time or inclination to do that!

IMO if you can't do without something, don't give it to someone else.

Tell her you've passed them on to your nieces and you will get them back when she grows out of them (i.e. in a few months).

IMO if you can't do without something, don't give it to someone else.

This 100%

I’m really sorry to go against the grain, but I don’t think you were right for giving them away without asking first. My brother gave me something a year or so ago and I was going to give it away, but I checked with him first and it turned out he wanted it back but thought I was using it.

It’s good courtesy to check with the person first before you give anything away. It’s not really your business why she wants them back, maybe she has someone else she wants to give them to or maybe they have sentimental value, just because she can’t have children doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have her bits back if she wants them. I think you just need to explain and then ask your other friend if she can return the items when she is done with them.

Not trying to have a go, I just think it’s fair to check before you give something away. Maybe she didn’t think she had to specify that it was a loan and thought you would give them back once you were done?

It’s such a mix on this but I have to say I was given maternity clothing from a friend and I assumed I’d be giving them back after my baby came, she didn’t want them back but personally I made sure to check. I am planning more kids so still have them safe, but I wouldn’t like to give them away or cut them up even now without checking.

This happened to me when I had my first baby. A 'friend' arrived to my home and gave me bags of clothes that I could have 'on condition' that I returned them to her and 'took very good care of them' (which of course would have been impossible to guarantee with a small baby).

Firstly, I had not asked for clothes. Secondly, the clothes were not clothes I'd have chosen for DC1, there wasn't anything wrong with them, we just had very different tastes I didn't want to be rude and decline and ended up with many bags of unwanted clothes that I never used. I couldn't wait for the year to be over so I could return the bags to her and use the storage area for other things. I often wonder if she had folded them a certain way and realised I hadn't used them and been offended. She became incredibly rude sometime later and we lost touch.

I'm not sure how well intentioned someone doing that is. Gifting 'conditionally' is more for the gifter than the recipient.

Dp’s nan bought a brand new jumperoo for our baby as his Xmas present. I mentioned that he’d grown out of it (6 months later) and I was going to sell it to pay for some other stuff he needed and she asked for it back! She’s asked for everything she’s bought for him back, bar clothes. I find it a little uncomfortable and I’d rather nothing was bought by her in the first place!

That's awful! It basically means she never really buys them anything!

I had this with a work colleague when I had my first. Brought in a bag of baby clothes whilst I was pregnant and said, 'Oh, here, thought you could use these.' I said, 'Oh, thanks.' The next day she messaged me, 'So, it'll be £50 cash.' I just wrote her back, 'I didn't realise these were for sale as was not asked if I wanted to buy them. I'll bring them back tomorrow.' and did

Good for you, that is top level Cheeky Fuckery on her part!

I did not accept any clothes, toys etc for any of our DC and I did not lend any. However when my DSis had my DN , our volatile cousin rocked up with lots of crap clothes that were awful and she never mentioned anything about wanting them back.

But she did ,about 3 years later when her SIL had her DD. Of course the clothes were long gone! Omg the fallout was epic! Hilarious. They're still not close after all that.

Unless you specifically state that you want them back I'd say forget they existed. But people are weird.

I appear to be the only whose baby clothes were fit for nothing once we'd finished with them. I kept a few lovely ones for sentimental purposes but most of ours were next and H&M and really not in great condition by the time my babies had grown out of them 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nothing as queer as folk. Tell her the truth, and if she is not happy tell how ridiculous we all think she is !

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. But I’m shocked that borrowing baby clothes for months on end is a thing. I’m clearly missing something. Don’t they get stained? Surely the condition won’t be the same.

For your first baby especially I would much prefer to choose my own baby clothes as it’s exciting going shopping and I can choose exactly what I like.

I was always brought up not to borrow anything from other people. Moral to the story.

I was always brought up not to borrow anything from other people. Moral to the story.

How is that the moral of the story? Makes no sense.

OP, I was given old baby clothes from multiple people for both my kids, and I always checked before passing them onto others. Seems like the polite thing to do, and stories like yours clearly show why it's a good idea to do so!

Having said that, what's done is done now. So I would just be honest with your friend. If she's a friend worth having, she'll appreciate it.

I find it so odd that she's asked for them back. Yanbu

You seem to be saying that you have kept some of her items in case you have another baby. I would give back what I had and explain that the rest were passed on because you were not expecting to return them.

I would never accept a loan of infant clothes except for perhaps a special occasion where something is only going to be worn once. There is just too much potential for damage. If she had told you it was a loan, you would have sorted them differently. You are just going to have to make it clear that there was a big misunderstanding here.

Apologise for the misunderstanding. Return what you can along with flowers / chocolates/ a bottle of wine. I can’t see what other options you have at this point?

I'd ask your SIL to give you the clothes she still has back when she can (she wont need them forever), and any other bits you can find, and then give those back.

Is she unexpectedly pregnant again? YANBU but it’s not a big deal either...

Really weird that she’s expecting them back, once you’ve given them away they’re not yours anymore, these are wear and tear items. It’s not like you borrowed her lawnmower and gave it away

If I’ve were you’re friend I’d been glad your niece was using the clothes too.

Sorry your not you’re...

I've seen posts that are the complete reverse of this
Eg " I leant my friend lots of clothes and now she's not given them back to me. She's sold them/given them
Away etc etc "
And the responses are always "what a cf!"
Op I think the problem is in the interpretation of the gift. If you have solid evidence in form of text etc that stated categorically she didn't want them back, and feel free to pass on, then you don't need to worry".
However if you do, I'd be certain to try and get some of the clothes back off your sister.
I think maybe she is trying to sell them.
Moral of story is before you passed the clothes on, or threw any out, you should have double checked with her first

I was given bags and bags of baby clothes as well as equipment by friends - a real boon and saved me fortunes. I would never have dreamt of binning or passing on things before checking first!! It's just good manners.

Even if your friend was not planning any more kids of her own, she might wanted to pass them on to another friend / relative? If no specific arrangement was made, why didn't you just check with her? Another example of our crazy throw-away culture to think that second / third hand clothes have no further value or use.

With baby stuff, if I give it away I don't expect to see it again. I think that's only wise. There are a few things we pass around our family/friendship group, like a gigantic pregnancy pillow, bulky baby toys that don't last long (walker, playmat etc) and some maternity clothes, but I wouldn't really think of them as belonging to anyone at this point? They're just available to whoever needs them.

I think she should have specified they were a lend, as it seems weird. But you should have done a courtesy check-in before giving them away too. I've done that often, eg: 'just doing a bag for charity, is it OK if I pop in some of the lovely hand-me-downs you gave us or do you want them back?'

I think on the whole your friend is more in the wrong than you are, at the very least she communicated poorly.

If she didn't make it clear it was a loan, I think it's reasonable to assume either that it was or it wasn't.

If she loves you, she'll understand that this is a miscommunication.

If not, she's being unfair to you, whilst you tie yourself in knots about whether or not you've been fair to her. Which is you being unfair to yourself!

I'd guess she's expecting!