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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is asking for baby clothes back

856 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 11:49

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 16/06/2020 15:48

Sunshine, ah, I see Grin

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 16/06/2020 15:49

I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant again.

That's a bit much when she was kind enough to help you out. Is it really so important?

makingmammaries · 16/06/2020 15:49

Tell her the truth, OP, that you were very grateful and used the clothes, and whatever was still in good nick went to your SIL and you will try to get it back when your niece has grown.

There should be a law that baby clothes are given, not loaned. Impossible to keep track. I loved getting others’ baby clothes and loved handing them on to my DSD. I was equally happy when she sent me a photo of her friend’s baby wearing something that had once been ours. Babies grow. The clothes need to go somewhere. If some other can wear them, so much the better.

Sleepyquest · 16/06/2020 15:49

I think you are in the wrong. You should have said to her 'my DD doesn't fit in these lovely clothes anymore so would it be ok to pass them onto my new niece?'

Then she could have said yes or no.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 16/06/2020 15:50

I also would never cut up someone's baby clothes without double checking it was a gift. Plenty of people do hand them over and expect them back because they're needed for such a short time.

Mintjulia · 16/06/2020 15:51

You are being unreasonable to be upset.

They have asked for the baby clothes back, presumably because someone they know is expecting.

You need to say you didn’t realise they wanted them back - it has been ten months - and you no longer have them.

Wannakisstheteacher · 16/06/2020 15:52

I'm all for telling your friend most of it had gone yk your niece OP, and ate will gave to deal with that. But this is just wrong

'I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant'

EmpressSuiko · 16/06/2020 15:55

@0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h but surely if they are a gift then it’s not longer up to the original owner what happens to them?
I’ve gifted my children’s old clothes to family and friends, if they cut any up or passed them along then what of it?
They were given away, I no longer have any say over them, I find it very strange that people are mentioning asking permission.

Jkslays · 16/06/2020 15:56

@DopamineHits

some of those bits have now become special to me

But they are hers and she asked for them back.

It's a mistake not to clarify gift/loan with this kind of thing, but too late now.

Yes this bit stuck out to me. If you ‘holding special ‘bits’ you don’t really have claim to them.

You shouldnt really have cut any of them up.

I do understand you not wanting to ask your brother for them back.

I’d give her what you have left and say you have passed the rest on. Be honest about it.

Jkslays · 16/06/2020 15:58

I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant again

Yeah this is a bit of a piss take. She might want to pass them on to someone else. Selfish of you

BabyLlamaZen · 16/06/2020 15:59

Why on earth does she want them back? All you can do is apologise and say sorry I didnt know.

Sparklybanana · 16/06/2020 16:02

Whenever I've passed clothes on I've said very firmly that they are on loan and I'd like them back, or, keep them and do what you want with them. In this case I don't think I'd be bothered if i saw them for sale as I no longer own them. Its a bit tough on your friend but unless there was a clear 'I want them back' then of course you'll do something with them. Just say you really appreciated the loan so you've paid the favour forward.

Jkslays · 16/06/2020 16:03

I’d put money on it the friend has seen pictures of the niece on SM in the clothes has seen her arse that she wasn’t asked and knows full well OP has given them away.

A while ago my friend gave me a massive bag of much needed maternity clothes. About six months after I have birth she asked for them back to pass on. I have them back. I didn’t keep any best bits incase I got pregnant again.

Cheek of ten arses Grin

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 16/06/2020 16:03

empress Because life's not black and white and there is a custom of lending baby clothes among some people. If you're interested in the friendship and not just the clothes, it makes sense to check. It's a common misunderstanding.

EmpressSuiko · 16/06/2020 16:07

I know life isn’t black and white, I’m 31, I’ve never had anyone loan me clothing and I’ve never loaned anyone clothing, it’s always been given away to do with as you please so it seems odd to me.
If something was given as a loan then that should be made clear by the giver to prevent misunderstandings like this, it’s shouldn’t be up to the receiver to ask.

Jkslays · 16/06/2020 16:10

Or that the friend has some how seen that OP was using her babies old vests as dish clothes and got upset about it

ExpectTheWorst · 16/06/2020 16:13

Some very weird responses on here. Why would op have to check with friends to pass on clothes which have been given to her?
Also, we’re had such a mishmash of clothes from different places, I wouldn’t have had a clue who gave us what. I bought loads too and was happy to pass them on. Anything particularly precious I obviously kept.
Just tell her it wasn’t clear (that you’d never have accepted them as a loan because it’s just too much faff) and that you’ve passed them on. Job done.

Funnyface1 · 16/06/2020 16:14

So have you just not replied to her this whole time?

Coffeecak3 · 16/06/2020 16:17

@Ilovechinese quite frankly that’s none of your business.

bakingdemon · 16/06/2020 16:20

We've lent out some of DS's stuff which I'm keeping in case we have another one, but I've always said it was a loan and we'd want them back. One lot of clothes has done 2 other babies and all come back fine. I have everything bagged up in sizes and stashed in the top shelves of wardrobes ready for next time. If we do have a 2nd it will be our last though, so I'll happily give things away and make clear that I don't what them back after that.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/06/2020 16:21

I haven't RTFT but this happened to me, OP. A relative had "given" me some baby clothes and then suddenly asked for them back. Ironically, I became pregnant with DS and could've made use of them again!

I was also surprised, because I'd assumed they were a gift. Personally I've never passed on clothes and then asked for them back.

Just be honest with her and let her know that another baby is making use of them.

istheresomethingishouldknow · 16/06/2020 16:26

When she gave me them she said she'd kept all of her special bits. And some of those bits have now become special to me

This would make me think the clothes were a gift, not a loan, and I would tell her this. I would then tell her that you've passed on the clothes to other families in need after you were done with various sizes. You can't give her what you don't have. Sorry.

Ilovechinese · 16/06/2020 16:28

@Coffeecak3 lol get real people make everything their business on here. People are always going on about people not having babies they cant afford. I was just enquiring a simple question.

Mary46 · 16/06/2020 16:32

Agree she should have made it clear. I could not ask for things back cringe! Anything I give am happy to pass it on.

BananasBananas · 16/06/2020 16:33

Today 13:41NotYetBaby

Wow I’m astonished by this thread. Baby/maternity clothes I ALWAYS see as a loan unless stated otherwise. People provided lots of clothes for my daughter and all went back, which some have since used for their other children. I lent out things I had for my daughter, which have now come back ready for my (due imminently) daughter.

OP, I’m not being critical because clearly she wasn’t upfront about wanting them back and it was crossed wires (though the sudden urgency I agree is weird). But I am really surprised so many are saying “no one loans baby clothes” because in my experience everyone does! *

^^This
My DSIL and a cousin lent me bags of baby clothes when my DS was born. Saved me £££££. I wouldn't dream of passing them on. Nothing was said but I presumed it was lent not given so I gave her everything back once DS had finished with it. Now she is pregnant with her next child and knows that I will return the favour.
I punch a little hole in the labels with a little riveting thing so its easy to tell if something is mine.
Babies are in their clothes for such a short time it's a waste not to share them round.