Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

She probably just wants to pass them on to someone else, stop building it up in your head and just talk to her. Say you're sorry but you hadn't realised she'd want them back and you've passed them on to someone else now. If you do have a few bits (you say you were keeping some in case of bother child?) then say you've got a couple of bits you were keeping that you can pass back to her. No need for all the drama.

Just explain that you gave them to SIL because you didn’t know they were a loan!

You can always tell SIL to keep them when your niece grows out of them, and return them then?

I think I will just say no if anyone offers me clothes for my baby. The whole thing sounds fraught! The idea of trying to remember who gave what, and worrying about staining something which might be expected back, fills me with stress.

When our baby outgrows their clothes I will happily pass them on to others with no strings attached and certainly no expectation of getting them back. Anything that is precious or sentimental I wouldn’t never give away in the first place.

This exact same thing happened to me but luckily I had kept everything. I gave back stuff that my daughter wasn't even in yet. Quite a few of the things had become special to me, certain things that had been worn lots and that she'd had photos taken in.
I would give back what I still had but no way would I ask back for the stuff I'd passed on. Explain that to her if she doesn't understand then she prob isn't someone you want to be friends with.

Dp’s nan bought a brand new jumperoo for our baby as his Xmas present. I mentioned that he’d grown out of it (6 months later) and I was going to sell it to pay for some other stuff he needed and she asked for it back! She’s asked for everything she’s bought for him back, bar clothes. I find it a little uncomfortable and I’d rather nothing was bought by her in the first place!

You’re not very forthcoming with additional info, are you OP.

🙄

@Sharkerr yes I know it is very expensive which is why I wondered how someone can afford IVF but now some inexpensive simple baby clothes. I didn't mean to be rude or offend anyone but always I see people on here saying people shouldn't have children on benefits or have children they cant afford yet as soon as I ask a question wondering how someone who must be quite well off to afford IVF cant afford simple baby clothes I'm called rude! Though now she gas said it is IVF funded but I thought you only got one free go of IVF on the NHS which is why I asked

Now= not*

Can you not say you threw them out because they were stained and ruined. Most babies puke and have poo accidents on a regular basis. I know that's what happened to most of my baby clothes 😂

@Noti23 What's she doing with it all? Are there other babies in the family? How odd.

Give back what you can, explain you've given some away to a person in hardship and then decide if you want to ask your niece for them back when's she's finished with them in a few months time.

I don’t have children but I wouldn’t expect to get their clothes back if I passed them on! If someone gives me something I never expect to have to give it back unless they asked at the time. I don’t understand why anyone would assume it’s a loan if nothing gets said.

I’d just say ‘Oh no! I didn’t realise you wanted them back, I’m really sorry! I’ve lent them to my niece -would it be okay to give them back once she’s outgrown them?’.

Have you contacted her yet Op? Just send the text and stop procrastinating. She may be fine with it and all this will be for nothing

@Fizzysours thst maybe so but for me and a lot of other women when your pregnant its exciting r8 go shopping and choose and buy new clothes for your baby. For me it would take all the fun out of it just giving my baby second hand clothes.

Just be straight with your friend and tell her you didn't realise she had only loaned them to you and you have passed them on to different people to use them. X

I'd just be honest with her and say that you didn't realise she was loaning you the clothes and because you didn't know, you no longer have them. She doesn't need to know who has them now!

You’re not being unreasonable, nor is a polite request for them back (the one week deadline is unreasonable. That said, I can’t believe people are suggesting you go and round them all up to give back immediately. I’m just in the midst of giving / receiving loads of clothes, and just having the chat about what to do when we’re done with them. As another poster said, if they are a loan, that should have been made clear.
I would play this one absolutely straight. Tell her you didn’t realise it was a loan (apologise for the obvious misunderstanding), and tell her what has happened to the clothes (including that they are being used by a family in need at a difficult time). Say that you’re happy to return them when the child has outgrown them and apologise again. Ask if there are any specific sentimental pieces that she wants back and say you’ll do your best to get those bits asap. X

Just send her a message and get it over with

'Hey babe, oh I never knew you wanted them back! Now that Mary has outgrown them I've passed them on to posh and becks for their little girl to use.'

If you've been friends for 20 years this should be easy to talk about.

Is there a chance she seen photos of your niece wearing 'her' clothes, or have you tried to sell anything? That may have reminded her about them. Still an odd request though.

I had the same, I was kindly offered some baby clothes by my neighbour, then 3 yearS later she asked them back as she was pregnant again.

I thought it shit of her, she should have mentioned they were a loan when she handed them over (still tight-fisted and mean as baby clothes get damaged easily).

I had passed most of them forward to other mums, kept a few because I had good memories of them but then had to hand them back To her while she disapprovingly look at them in disdain as if I had been careless with her belongings.

I wish she had stuff them where the sun doesn’t shine rather than putting me through this.

Same goes for maternity clothes, if you passed them on, got divorced and remained single with no more kids since, please don’t come 10 years later saying you have changed you mind and want the bloody dress back.

"I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant again."

Surely if you can afford another child you must be able to feed and clothe them without relying on your friends clothes. It seems very much as though you don't want to give them back and I am not entirely sure if it is actually your friend that "can be a bit selfish sometimes" . It is evident from what you say that you want to keep the clothes for future so I do wonder if you have conveniently forgotten that she has loaned them to you.

Evasmummy2019

My friend is an oy child and sometimes can behave in a spoiled manner. Which I'm used to and have learned to adapt to over the years. Her mum is lovely but often gets involved in issues my friend could probably have dealt with herself.

Quite frankly I'm sick to my back teeth hearing nonsense such as the above. I'm selfish and one of four, my sister isn't.

OP all the very many words you've used on here and you just need to use a tiny number with your friend -

'Friend, I'm so sorry but when you told me you'd kept the clothes that we're special I assumed that you wouldn't want these ones back, in so I've passed them on already'

Try that? Save yourself all the second guessing?

In your position, I think I would personally say "oh, I'm really sorry but most of them weren't fit to keep after the usual baby stains, multiple washes, etc so I got rid of them
I think that would probably be taken as 'you gave me a load of grubby old clothes' and cause more resentment!

Sorry, I meant that after her dd had used them, not when they came to her.