New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

@NoYesNoNoYes well that's a bit awkward for you...

@NoYesNoNoYes

TheNanny23

The kissing is beyond the pail this is a nasty racist comment. Please find out what it means, and how to spell pale correctly.

It's sickening that racist comments just slip off the tongue (or from the keyboard) without giving them a moments thought.

I find it fascinating, people-watching online, you'd be surprised how the words you say, and how you structure your sentences give so much away about you, you personality, the veracity of your stories... It should be classed as a hobby, not just a career!

What I've learned from people watching and how your words give you away, is that you're someone who doesn't educate herself, makes wild guesses at what something might mean, sees people through a negative lens, is very judgmental and thinks she knows it all, without any good reason to think that way.

Let's see if you're someone who can admit it when she's proved wrong and apologise to the person you insulted without cause.

He's a cunt who doesn't seem to give a shit what you think. Good luck.

@NoYesNoNoYes even if you were right, the way to bring it to people's attention is to start 'Were you aware...' Not everyone looks up the meaning of every phrase before they use them and if they are educated in a non-aggressive way the more likely they are to never use them again. IME anyway.

Anyone else think @NoYesNoNoYes is now off name changing in shame?

I'm cringing for you!

Thanks everyone... just caught up..

My MIL doesn't wake up til 12ish and she usually rings about 1, FT time til 1.30/1.45 then she will ring mid afternoon again about 3.30 same again then she will ring about 7ish then again at 9 I just said every 2 hours as a rough estimate...

My own Mum has said maybe I'm over reacting because my MIL's first grandchild. I think she said that though because she doesn't want to rock the boat. My friends think shes insane

My partner is in work today so just me and the baby. Going to ignore MIL when she calls and have a good day with my son and figure out what to do

Thanks guys x

In terms of 'normal' OP, I live too far away from either set of GPs to see them regularly (even before the virus), and I'd send a pic to family most days (not every day) on a WhatsApp, and have a 10-15min video chat with my mum on days where we're both at home. Partner video calls his mother about once a week and has his own family WhatsApp to do his own thing with photos.

My partner is in work today so just me and the baby. Going to ignore MIL when she calls and have a good day with my son and figure out what to do

That's the best thing to do. They both need to understand that just because they have an unhealthy relationship, doesn't mean you have to. You are your own person.

Be wary of your DH potentially kicking off with you when he gets home because you didn't spend 60% of your day entertaining his mummy dearest.
Stand your ground. He wants you to accept the relationship he has with his mother, you want him to respect that you don't want the same one. With either yourself or your son. Neither can he force you to.

Wow. My MIL was like that and it did not end well. I put it down to enthusiasm at first but in fact it just became oppressively controlling. Mine ended up hating my whole family because she was convinced they saw my son more than she did (they didn't). You are best off laying down some boundaries as soon as possible and being strict with them in order to maintain a healthy relationship. Talk it through with your other half and make sure he is on the same page as you as to what you both find acceptable. Good luck. Thank god for lockdown in your case, mine ruined the first three months as she was completely in your face about it, stopped speaking to us even hello or goodbye and said that we didn't matter anymore.

Good idea to avoid the calls today.

When DH gets home hand the baby over and get some peace. If MIL calls when you’re due to feed I’d tell DH that you aren’t feeding him in camera and he’ll have to wait (cue screaming)!see how long he lasts with that

I simply do not think it's fair on my partner to move away with his child.

You need to remind yourself that you are entitled to this fairness too. He is bullying you into an arrangement that dominates both your life and your DS's. That is grossly unfair.

Can you explain, even if only to yourself, why you feel the need to be kind and fair to your DP but you don't feel you can expect the same from him?

Growing up without contact with your father isn't great but growing up in a household where your DM is bullied and abused by your DF and DGM on a daily basis is far worse. That sets children up to enter into abusive relationships as adults, either as the victim or the perpetrator. Please don't risk that happening to your son.

If she wants things to be fair perhaps you should tally up the exact amount of facetime she gets in 24 hours or a week then say it's your mum's turn for the next X hours quota...

Hope you're having a peaceful day op. I'd be planning on what to say though when your dh comes home after getting an ear bashing off your mil for your insolence after ignoring her calls.

I'd also insist that you feed your dd in peace and that your dh now does all the ft calls.

I don't do any of the face to face stuff but surely you can choose not to reply.

You are not being unreasonable and I don't know how you haven't snapped at her!!! For that I commend you.
Stop answering her FaceTime calls, either reject them completely or just let it ring, keep your phone on silent. Be firm and say that YOU will arrange FaceTiming around your/babies schedule. If she doesn't like it... TOUGH!!!
I appreciate it must be boring/hard for her having to isolate for so long but she won't be the only grandparent in this position!!
Stand up to her, don't take any of her nonsense and stay strong!!!

Honestly your dp is the issue but it doesn’t sound like his going to change. Your basically their incubator for their child.

Good on you for not answering the phone today but I’m betting she will cry down the phone to your dp who will then rant at you.

No father/part time father is better than one Who puts his bat shit mothers wants above the person literally feeding his child and his childs health in general. Common would you sit your baby staring at the tv for 30-45minutes regularly at this age? No? Well that’s exactly the same as a FaceTime call.

Your rude for not wanting your boobs out on FaceTime while you feed your child? Well she’s a pervert then for insisting on seeing your boobs by insisting on the call happening once she knows you are feeding. Good for the goose and what not 🤷🏻‍♀️

If your partner has been off, maybe that's been a factor. I'd do what you're doing and not pick up when you're on your own. If he's going back to work, maybe she'll take the hint and it will resolve itself.

She's not a drinker is she OP? Just made me wonder when you said about waking the baby late at night. I can't believe someone would ask that for their own entertainment.

Hope it improves.

And I wouldn't breastfeed in front of my own family, friends, in-laws or strangers. It's not rude to say no - you're entitled to your privacy.

Did she call?

I have been here with the overbearing mil who was positivly vile if we ever said no, so dp never did.
He came home from work one day to find all his stuff on the doorstep- he was living in my home i paid for so i had that luxury which you might not being married.
The shock is what he needed to see which familys mental health and time was more precious.
He is now back and we bearly see her as if she "can see her grandchildren on her terms then she wont see them."
Fine bye us.
This was my second so its easier to be firm second time round.
Our 3rd she could not care less.

You dh knows that you will cave to make sure your child has a dad in their life so he pleases him mum and knows you will take the shit you get thrown.
And just a wee bit of food for thought.
While its nice for a child to have both parents together and being a family.
Right now sadly your child have either parents or any meaningful family time.
Your child has naptime, a grandmother with rasberries and a tablet.

Good luck its a hard position to be in.

She’s a dick. Start enforcing boundaries and tell her that she is being absolutely unreasonable!

You can't just sit back and do the things your not happy with OP.
You might think it's for the best now but you will become resentful.
The resentment will build and your marriage will become dead in the water anyway.
Becoming a doormat is not going to help you.

I think it's perfectly reasonable that your MIL only calls after your h is back from work. It's perfectly reasonable that if baby is asleep or you are breast feeding that the camera is not pointed at your boobs.

You are trying to be kind by giving her lots of chances but if you don't establish boundaries then her being a dick becomes the norm and it's harder to stop her. What are you going to do when your child starts getting annoyed by her smothering? Little kids don't like FaceTime multiple times a day and they don't I'll sense that you don't like their gran sooner than you think.

The biggest problem is your h. If you makes decisions like nobody knows about the baby until you get home from hospital then what does he think he's playing at inviting his wise round? Your child will notice this basty bullying behaviour

I had a difficult MIL, we get on ok now.
The reason we get on ok now is because when she first created an issue with DH and I, I kicked off. I told her exactly what I thought of her and him and walked out on him. Didn’t come back for several says until he sorted her out and himself out.

She now respects my boundaries - DH gave her an ultimatum and life is ok with her 7 years on.
She’ll never be my favourite human but we are friendly at least.

Don’t be a doormat @Megan1995
Your DP is the issue, mean business. This stops or you will leave him. You’ll find out where you are in the pecking order then. If it’s his mother then you are better off single. His mother can be all over her grandchild then on contact days.