New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

You told your partner how you feel and he told you tough shit??
I really feel for you, as know you must be tired but please don't put up with this.
Go and stay with your mother- you will get more help and support. You are risking damaging your bond with your child by spending so little quality time with such a small baby.

I would say if she wants to move in, that’s fine. You and baby will be moving out.

I think the advice of your mum doing exactly the same is a good one if she’s up for it!

Just read latest update. Wow.

Oh my god she sounds crazy poor you op having to deal with that I don’t think I could cope.

Get a bag together and go stay at your mums for a week for a maternity break with the baby.

How dare he rail road you, OP your life as a parent will be endless battles of where you have to defend and speak for your baby, you really do have to find your courage here.

He's given you the ultimatum so take it, move to your mum's. If you don't stand up to his and his mother's appalling behaviour you're in for a terrible life. Is he like this about everything? His way or the highway?

Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that with men like this, the only way to make any headway is to act crazier and more unreasonable than the other person is. The man will automatically take action to calm the loudest voice in order to maintain his quiet life, so if you make yourself the loudest most unreasonable voice then you will win.

I've not actually done this myself tbf, but I strongly suspect that is the only way to make things change in your situation. I'm sorry, I don't have any more practical or useful advice

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that you put yourself at risk in order to be the louder voice. I do suspect that he'll only pay attention if you make a large fuss though. Maybe try mirroring the guilt trips his mum lays on? They sound effective.

So this is the way you want your life to be for the next 40 years? Really?

I'm not saying you have to do anything right now. But I do think you need to think about what you want for your future and what price you are willing to pay.

OP, I’m really sorry you’re having to put up with this at such a stressful time.

I had similar problems when my first child was born. I didn’t know how to stand up to my MIL as I’d never had someone trample all over my boundaries before.

Please don’t back down on this for a quiet life. I think the advice to move in with your mother is good, as it shows him that you are serious. He clearly isn’t taking you seriously at the moment. Relationship counselling would help too, although he doesn’t sound the type to try it.

If ultimately he does choose his mother over you, it is best to know that NOW, however painful it might be at the moment.

Mumsnet can be a huge source of help, particularly the relationships board. Lots of us have been through similar!

Excellent advice from ContessaferJones and sadly true.

If my husband spoke to me like that I would be gone. If I were you I would pack a bag and go to your mums. It will only get worse. What on earth do you see in him? He's awful.

Have you seen a health visitor recently? By phone or Skype? You should talk this over with the health visitor, or at baby clinic, whenever that starts again.

This kind of performance expectation is too much for your baby. Not allowed to play with the gym because mil wants all his attention - that's really bad. Delaying bedtime because she's bored? That's awful. Wanting to wake him up at midnight? Spectacularly bad.

You can't let this continue without messing up your baby's natural feeding and sleeping routines, and that could have long term effects on his development.

Please don't let your partner bully you - talk to a health visitor or your GP as soon as you can

Honestly you are a pushover, I have little sympathy for you if you just nod and smile and roll over this easily but you need to know that this is only going to get worse and you have nobody else to blame but yourself.

Not worth fighting with the father of your child?? 😂 Yet he doesn't give a shiney shit about you once mammy is happy?? What a catch!

Here's what you need to do:

1. You need to drop into conversation about seeing your mother and when says something you grab the bull by the horns and say "Mary no offense but I'll be spending whatever time I like with my mother, sometimes DC will be with me, sometimes not, irrespective it's none of your business, that may seem abrupt but you have said it a few times now and you need to know that I will not now or ever justify to you the time I or dc spend with my mother or any of family, it's simply none of your business" - do not budge, do not apologise to her or him

1. He will freak out because mammy is offended, so you say "Look you have spelled out how you feel now let me spell this out, you can have your unhealthy relationship with your mother but me and DC will not be party to it"

1. Leave the room when she face times, every single time.

1. Come back into the room and take DC if you need to feed/do bath/bed, you can be polite but firm.

Honestly, your husband is pathetic, don't be a fool, stand up to him and her creepy needy bastards the pair of them

OP, I think before you give up, I think as a last ditch attempt to should at least say to him; at least read this. He needs to understand. By you giving up, you are choosing disruption and an unhealthy atmosphere and life style for your son, just for a quiet life. Personally if it were me I'd be saying, "NO! This is how it's going to be, I am the mother, I call the shots, like it or lump it!" Hell would freeze over before I let a disrespectful, selfish, misogynist tell me what is going to happen with my baby that I birthed, and I breastfeed. There would be no sex from me until he changed his attitude! I'd tell him to change his fucking attitude or I am my son are GONE!

Some arguments are worth it, if you won't fight for your son's rights, what will you fight for? Tell him to change his attitude, or the only time he will see his son is on custody days.

To be blunt,
Stop being a pushover, your child your rules.
Tell your MIL the rules, tell your DH that if he doesnt change things, then you will leave -as he suggested.
Put your foot down or leave, happily with your baby.

I think my response to your latest update would be "fine, fuck off then back to your mother, this relationship is over".

You do not have to put up with this shit. I've read a lot of crazy MIL stories on here and this one is up there - she is batshit. This is not normal behaviour at all.

Go to your mother’s.
This is off the scale.

Either you put up boundaries now or you get out now. Your choice.

Oh and next time she demands to watch you feed the baby, say directly to her “Sorry Sue, I’m not comfortable with this, you can talk to DH but I won’t be doing this anymore. When she protests, ask if she had her mother-in-law watch her feed DH and ring or call round 8 times a day? It’s too much.
Let DH have a tantrum. Twat.
You won’t get this precious time back. You may have more children, but you will never get these months with this baby back. Don’t let them rob you of them.
Tell DH and Granzilla that you want to be fair, particularly as you have noticed how sensitive she is about your mum seeing her, so you will make sure both grandmas have equal contact with their grandchild.
I hope DH fucks off back to full time work soon.

You have to think of your child and what is best for his development. Do you think this is best for him?? You are his protector, so...protect him!! I had similar issues with my DH and eventually I had enough. The arguments were huge but the end result was best for my child. But it sounds like you don’t want to rock the boat to save yourself some hassle, not do what’s best for your son. 🤷‍♀️

You need to send him to his mother's house. He's apparently unable to be an adult. If you don't do something now, this will get worse. You desperately need to read the boundaries book by cloud and Townsend. This will only get worse!

People telling me I dont want what's best for my son! How dare you, I do everything I possibly can for my son and the reason I'm being a 'pushover' is because I grew up without a Father and would not like the same for my son. It isn't quite as simple as to just 'move in with my Mother' unfortunately and she lives in another city which is a long train ride away, my partner is going back to full time work soon and I simply do not think it's fair on my partner to move away with his child. If not being away from his Dad is not what's best my son that's ridiculous!

I came on here for advice not for some of the downright rude responses.

But I really appreciate the kind and understanding ones. X

Wow just read your update. No this is not acceptable.

Neither he or his mother are thinking about your baby’s needs. It’s all about what they want and this will affect your baby’s development long term.

You’ve tried being reasonable and he’s not interested so he needs to go before some serious damage is done. Send him back to his mother and buy his mother a doll.

She’s calling every 2 hours a day for 30 - 45 minutes?! So during the day you are spending a minimum of 6 hours and a maximum of 9 hours on FaceTime with her?

Really?