New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

@Megan1995

Listen, I appreciate that you want a different life for your child.

However, what your MIL is doing is insane. She’s behaving as though your son is her child, hence the demands etc. She’s behaving as though she is sharing your baby with her son and you are simply the incubator.

The fact that your DP has basically told you to suck it up, is not that of a loving partner. The fact he thinks that this is in anyway normal, just screams of what a dysfunctional relationship he has with his mother (look up enmeshment).

If he can disregard your feelings; then you’ll need to assert yourself and ignore any tantrums or implications that you are being rude/trying to stop her bonding with her her DGS.

May I ask, what does your Mum and friends say about this? I really think, that asking a HV etc to have a chat, may help him to see how is way outside the realms of normality.

Even though you may not want to take your DS away, it may give your DP a kick up the arse he needs to learn the concept of compromise.

It will do your son does no favours to have a mother who is a pushover, not a father who shows so much disrespect for her. At the very least you have the right to say no to FaceTime whilst breastfeeding and you absolutely should TELL your partner that it’s just not happening. He does not get to dictate.

I feel awful for you that you're in this position, but if you aren't willing to stand up for yourself, I don't think you can really complain about the situation to be honest. If he says 'like it or lump it', implying that for the rest of your life you're going to have to talk to his mother every 2 hours, I would fucking lump it, no question. Your son will not be fatherless even if you permanently split up with him. I think you need to call his bluff and see where his priorities lie when actually put to the test. If they're not with you, I'd go live at your mums. He can travel to see your son if it comes to that.

You really need to consider moving to your mum’s with the baby.
This is all insanity and it’s going to affect your mental health more so than it is already.

She sounds bonkers, don’t comply with her demands, he’s your DS, set the boundaries now, or you will live to regret it OP.

In all honesty OP, I say leave your partner. He is still attached to his mother’s apron strings and this won’t end well. If he agreed with you or was able to see your reasonable points you would have a chance but he doesn’t.

Sorry that this sounds so bleak. You could show him this thread and see how he reacts but I think I can imagine how things will go. You are a new mum, you should be being supported and not having this shit to deal with.

I live a couple of hundred miles away from my Granddaughter. The other Grandma lives about 3 miles from her. She will see her more, be closer to her and be there for more special occasions. It's sad but I'm actually totally fine with it. Being a Grandparent isn't a competition its a privilege.

Stand up for yourself and your baby, no matter how hard it it. It is never good for a child to see their parent treated badly.

You have every right to stop the call when breast feeding. It’s your body and they can’t dictate.

I would consider leaving a partner over this. A manipulated mummies boy with no healthy boundaries. He’s not prioritising your need for balance.

You frankly are letting not growing with a father cloud your judgement, you don't need to put you with spineless shitbag of a mammys boy husband who prefers his mother over you so your son can have his father but you should make a stand so that your husband will know you are serious, realise he might lose his family, cop on, change and then hopefully you can raise your son with a father, a happy mother, and a decent example of how a husband treats his wife and mother because staying as you are and simply nodding & smiling will not do that.

Can you go stay with family for a few weeks to get a break?

I’m glad my mother left my abusive father.
We were the only children in school without a father, he never showed up for contact either.

She did the best thing she could.

Say 'no I wont like or lump it , he's OUR baby and we are going to sit down and come up with a plan that suits everyone' I'm sorry you're dealing with a CF and a man child.

The problem should solve itself when he goes back to work.
Turn the phone off when you feed so you "aren't distracted", and if the baby is asleep, then the baby is asleep and no one in their right mind wakes a sleeping baby.
If DH isn't there you can control the narrative.

She sounds like hell, but you have the power in this situation. Use it.

My MIL once kissed my DD while I was breasfeeding her. I froze and couldn't say anything.

If you Dh carries on showing you feeding your baby on facetime even though you've asked him not to do so I would move a chair to a room with a lock on it and breastfeed there until he agrees to stop.

When she does facetime end the converstation with "talk to you tomorrow Granny". She needs to understand that once a day is enough!

Oh OP you sound so downtrodden by him, is this the only issue? I ask because I went through similar with DDs dad who put me through hell to please his loathsome mother and in many ways ruined the first the 18 mos for me. It got the point that he screamed abuse at me in the street after I'd been in a car accident because I didn't want to go in to see her at midnight (she'd looked after the baby for a couple of hours) a couple of hours after I'd had over 20 stitches in my face. He is an ex for a bloody good reason and his new partner has all the same issues. She's a witch but he is a grown man and I don't blame her for his constant kowtowing.

No one really wants to be a single parent especially when your baby is young, but I really would up and go to your mums for a while and see if the shock helps him see you won't just hand baby over. If you roll over now, that's it. It's not just that he has total control, but she WILL take over and push herself over you in your sons life. You'll be relegated to wet nurse and cleaner while she enjoys your baby, with proud dad looking on. I've been there.

OP, believe me, there are lots of worse things than growing up without a father. Fathers, especially ones that have no respect for the mother of the child and no respect for the child's welfare or rights, are over-rated. You would be doing your DC a disservice staying with a man who has zero respect for you, because he in turn will learn that's how you treat women. And that, is how the cycle continues. Break the cycle. Don't let your DS grow up thinking that it is normal to treat the mother as just a breeding mare with no rights to bodily dignity or respect. You are making the same mistake parents have made for eons. Stay with him 'for the sake of the child'. As generations of men like your DP have proven, it is a recipe for disaster because they learn behaviour modelled to them by their father. Do you truly want your DS to grow up thinking it is acceptable to treat a woman the way your DP is treating you? Think of the future for your son. This 'father' is someone your DS does not need in his life.

You are in no way being unreasonable. She sounds like a nightmare.

Tell your partner to have a word with her to back off or you will do it for her.

That’s unbelievable, even by Mumsnet MiL standards
That's what I think

TheNanny23

The kissing is beyond the pail this is a nasty racist comment. Please find out what it means, and how to spell pale correctly.

It's sickening that racist comments just slip off the tongue (or from the keyboard) without giving them a moments thought.

I find it fascinating, people-watching online, you'd be surprised how the words you say, and how you structure your sentences give so much away about you, you personality, the veracity of your stories... It should be classed as a hobby, not just a career!

Hi OP, you said that you grew up without a father and that you won’t have that for your baby. I can understand your fear. But, if you grew up without a father, you never saw a good parental relationship. You have no road map for parenting as a couple and that is hard for you. As a minimum, parents should respect and care for each other, try to see each other’s point of view and learn to compromise where they have different views. I had contact with my father and really wish I hadn’t so, there is no absolute truth here. A good father is fantastic, a father who treats the mother of his child with disrespect is actively damaging to both the mother and child. Please call the health visitor and see if she can explain to your husband how his behaviour is unacceptable. If you could go to your Mother’s, it would be a good idea. It might teach your partner not to issue ultimatums. That would be no bad thing.

@NoYesNoNoYes, I think you need to educate yourself.
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/beyond_the_pale

Etymology
From pale (“jurisdiction of an authority, territory under an authority's jurisdiction”), suggesting that anything outside the authority's jurisdiction was uncivilized. The phrase was in use by the mid-17th century, and may be a reference to the general sense of boundary, but is often understood to refer specifically to the English Pale in Ireland. In the nominally English territory of Ireland, only the Pale fell genuinely under the authority of English law, hence the terms within the pale and beyond the pale. The boundary of the Ashdown Forest (a royal hunting forest) was also known as the Pale, consisting of a paled fence and a ditch inside, to allow deer to jump in, but not back out.

@NoYesNoNoYes

“Pale in this idiom comes from Latin pālus 'stake'; it means a fencepost, and by ordinary extension it also means the fence itselt, and the area it contains or delimits. So beyond the pale just means "outside the boundaries".

You frankly are letting not growing with a father cloud your judgement

Absolutely. You seem to think that any father is better than none. This father is going to teach your boy to be totally dismissive of you. You're going to end up with a child who totally disrespects you, and the teenage years will be hell. And you'll end up being a nobody in your own home, while the two of them rule the roost and treat you like dirt.

OP, I just read this thread and it reminded me of the future your DS will have: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3941282-Would-this-worry-you-comment-from-ds

"On the way home yesterday I had some music on and ds said - do you like this mum? I said, yes. He then said, ‘would you like to go to a concert of them if dad said it was ok for you to go?’

He has also said to my own mum recently that in our house ‘dad is in charge and he’s the boss because he earns all the money so everything is his.’"

Sons learn from their fathers. This is his future, if you don't get him and yourself out of it soon.