To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

And my girls love her to bits! She is a big part of our girls lives and makes effort!

I don't really see the big deal.

My parents split up when I was in my 20s.

Dad remained single and is Grandpa to my children.

My mum has a new partner (well, has had for 8y) and they are Grandma and B. It is not weird for our kids as it is just their normal - we're going over to Grandma and B's, it's a birthday present from Grandma and B etc.

Plus why can't you choose your own name? I hate Nan and when the time comes, would choose to be Gran, Granny or Grandma.

I’m thinking that all his (not so) hilarious joking is actually rooted in the fact that you are too young to be a Granny so that’s why he thinks it’s so funny to say that to you? He’s being a twat. This is essentially him crowing about having a younger wife. Maybe it’s time you started joking to him about dementia and hip replacements?

Are you planning on ignoring your step-daughter's child whenever you see them? It's not about you! Get over yourself!

You didn't say that you didn't want to be called Nan, you said you didn't want too be a grandparent to your stepdaughters child. There is a world of difference in those two statements

Exactly this

Okay, I understand you but hear me out.

My dad got together with my mum when my eldest brother was 4.

My nan was only in her 40's and my eldest brother asked if he could call her nan.

She said no. Now she's in her 60's and she's never regretted anything more. My brother laughs about it now but my nan feels horrendous.

Think about how future you would feel once you meet that child / become attached.

@AIMD you can can but ultimately if they decide not to have a relationship there is nothing you can do. Eg brother split up with his partner and never sees his “grandchildren”. So if his ex has another partner would they be called “granddad” as well? So the grandchild can have upteen granddads? What about it my brother got a new girlfriend, would she be called grandma?

I just feel like blood is blood. You can be very affectionate and caring for someone, but I feel that unless they are that connection it’s not the same. Having said that, an absent family member I wouldn’t also see them as being a true family member. If I was to find out I had a sibling it wouldn’t be my real sibling unless I knew them from birth.

Does your stepdaughter want you to be known as nan even ?
If she does then might seem a little rude you don't want to be from her point , then again she may not even want you to be known as a nan
But if you were it won't take away from when your kids have children as you don't even know they will for one and if they do one will likely have one before the other

@Regretful123

My brothers step kid had a child. It’s not our family, we don’t care. I’m sure the OP feels the same.

You really do sound unpleasant.

OP OTOH sounds fine.

Always love a thread where loads of people tell the OP they are being unreasonable and the OP is still having none of it why post if ya ain't gonna listen?! Cracks me up!

Wow I think you're being incredibly unreasonable. If you don't like the word nan (my mum would never want to be called this) fine... But the baby then child will see you as a grandparent, you will be a permenent in their life.

Both my parents are remarried and me and sister have children and there's no question that they would call step parents grandad/grandma. Even though the grandparents in question are actually early 40s. He's just a cool grandad!

This will create such a division between your children and step children when older... I don't know why you would do this.

@backseatcookers

Maybe I'm defensive over being called so many nasty names but I've been on here long enough to expect it and I know what a raw deal stepparents get! I haven't made a fuss at all, I've been nothing but happy but dh banging on and on about me being a Nan for the last 3 weeks when I've asked him to stop has finally pissed me off! I don't have endless patience!

I think it's nice she wants you to be a nan and not just call you by your name. I had my ds at 22 and my step dad was 40 ( literally 4 days before) and he is a grandad. He loves it. My mum was 52 at the time and although she didn't want to be grandma is nana. Embrace it.

Didn't you know when you marry a man you take on his children and everything that goes with them unless of course that offends their mother or someone else in the family in which case you are a complete nobody??
Step parenting privilege!

When you got together with a man only 15 years younger than you, this should have been something you considered.
You don’t want to be a nan because you’re vain and think at 40 you’re too young for it.
Quite possible your step daughter won’t want you being called nan anyway- especially if you have this attitude

*a man with children only 15 years younger than you

Damn I wish I could edit

It's not about you. Your poor SD. YABU.

If your problem is literally the name 'Nan' and nothing else, then just encourage the baby to call you something else. Don't make a big thing out of it when the baby isn't even here, let alone speaking.

Your family is excited. You're ruining some of their fun by being a stick in the mud. It is somewhat funny to be a 40 something young 'nan' figure, im sure that's the crux of the joke rather than anything personal. Just laugh or say you're excited too.

@fabulous40s I asked for opinions not for someone to change my mind.

It's people like you that give step parents a bad name

Very cold. This girl was only 10 when you became her stepmother, of course you'll be nan to her baby!
Step parents like you are the reason step parents get such a hard time for preferential treatment.
In the grand scheme of things...does it matter? Go with the flow and quit the precious nonsense 🙄

I'm not called nan, or granny or glammy. Dh's gc call me by my name. I'm 60 .

My DC do not share my mother's husband's blood. Therefore he is not their grandfather and absolutely is not entitled to be called grandad. End. Of.

Ffs, this is savage. Thank God my stepchildren don’t think like this. I’m very happy to be Granny to my step grandchildren. I knew I was lucky but that really brought home just how lucky.

OP why don't you just let things evolve naturally? See what happens when the baby is born rather than making decisions now. I'm a step parent and one of my stepchildren has recently become a parent. I'd felt awkward about what to call myself, not wanting to overstep the mark. When the baby was born, they told me that the more grandparents the baby has, the better and how lucky the baby was to have so many people around to love him. Could you think of it like that maybe?

We were asked to pick our own grandparent names. Again I felt a bit awkward about it, but am getting used to it now. It is such a rewarding relationship and not sure I could love one of my 'own' grandchildren more. I'm honoured to be considered a grandparent

Just wait and see how things unfold, take your lead from the baby's parents and don't judge or worry about it now.

I agreed, YABU. Your SD is pregnant, your husband is going to be a grand father for the first time and yet you are focusing quite selfishly on yourself.

You should have had this conversation with your husband before you married him if it was such a big issue for you.

Otherwise, graciously accept the role of being 'nan'. As you say, it will be a different experience with your own children in some ways, so it doesn't take away from that. You could think about suggesting being 'granny' or similar when the time comes with your own children if it helps differentiate.

@soon2BeMumof3 that's what I want just to be called by my own name, not Nanny, or Nan or grandma just my name.