To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

What do you think your SD will see you as? What do you think she would want to call you? As if she has automatically assumed the role of Grandparent with the title then you will really hurt her & your DH by saying you are not. If she thinks on the same lines as you then it's win/win.

What saddens me is the way you suggest your own children's potential children to be more important & that could cause problems with your DH in the future as they are all his biological grandchildren so he won't see a difference. For example, would you view any childcare offers the same? Visits? Gifts?

So for me, the name part is irrelevant, it's how you perceive them & treat them throughout their life as treating them different to your biological grandchildren is awful & unfair. Biology shouldn't matter in blended families

I think you sound awful you're married to you're dh and you share children which will be aunties to your sd child and you've been together along time. The poor sod seemed to be excellent at the thought of being a grandparent and sharing it with you and is disappointed you're so standish over it because it's not you're precious dds baby. Give you're head a wobble.

You sound awful. I’m not surprised that your husband was upset, you were nasty towards him. He’s super excited and you’ve pissed on his chips. You may not feel like the babies nan, but could you not just keep that to yourself? It’s as if you’ve purposely made a point to him that your sd is not your child and you don’t care for her or the baby at all. If you have a 10yo, you’ve been together for years, it’s not as if you just met the girl.

YABU you've been in her life more than a decade, my closest grandparent is my mother's step mother, she's my gran - always has been always will be. Read to me, sang to me, helped me learn to read, play piano, bake, comforted me when I was unwell, upset, fed up, picked me up from school, took me and DB on holiday....She has two biological children and 3 grandchildren, she treats us all the same and actually told me after a sherry at my wedding that she has an extra soft spot for me. We still speak several times a week and I visit regularly despite the three hour journey. You don't want that relationship, your loss.

Maybe he should think about her feelings too. As much as she married someone with DC, he married someone who isn't their mother.

Your husband seems to have forgotten that he divorced the mother of his children - what is going on here is that he is trying to have the conversations he would have had with his wife about them both becoming grandparents, but is saying these things to you because she so no longer part of his life. If he and the “real Nan” are on friendly terms tell him to bugger off and chat to her about how exciting it is to become a Nan.

My good friend married an older man with grown up kids. She is similar age to you OP. He was widowed so there is no “real Nan” in the picture. His first grandkid came along the year after they married and she is very close to the parents and the baby. However nobody ever suggested she be called Nan/Gran and I find it amazing how many people on here think that would be the normal thing to do.

My brothers step kid had a child. It’s not our family, we don’t care. I’m sure the OP feels the same.

I don't get it, if your children are going to be 'aunties' and they class your dh's children as their brothers and sister why on earth are you not nan or choose a different name, gran, granny blah blah.
Evil step nan.....

I have a lovely little Grandson. My dsd’s little boy. I would be so sad if anyone suggested that I couldn’t be his Granny. We have a very close relationship. You can do as you like though.

@Notanan
I think that your husband is a twat and and a dickhead. He shouldn't get to tell you what you'll be called when the baby arrives in 30 weeks time, yes in 7 months time, it's not going to be next week.
I think you have much deeper problems than being called Nan.

I think you're being awkward and vain. Nan automatically goes with grandad so will you correct the baby once it's talking of it refers to you as Nan?
What about christmas cards - I couldn't wait to buy my parents their first 'Nan and Grandad' card. Would you give it back / sulk?

To Grandad and his Wife at Christmas doesn't have quite the same ring.

Fast forward 6 years and you're picking the kid up from school. Easier to say "I'm Fred's nan' than "I'm Fred's Grandad's wife'

Notanan I'm with you. You aren't that baby's grandmother.

In your position, I'd get myself called 'aunty'. A nan is a grandmother. In some ways, it could be argued that you aren't attempting to usurp any 'nan' glory from the biological grandmothers!

You've already read at how many people really, really want 'not 100% biological relationships' to appear like they are, with all the nomenclature that engenders.

I also wonder at how many people's desperately imagined 'blended families' really are.

I would be gutted if my husband's stepmother had declined being grandma to our children. To them she's not grandads wife, she's their grandma!

By declining to have the 'grandma' or whatever family name you want, you pretty much decline the role.

Oh also you’ve realistically got at least 18 months of breathing space to see how things settle down after the baby is born. Even if they all keep trying to call you “Nan” when baby talking to the baby, it won’t actually pick that up for at least a year.

You are being a bit nasty. Especially when you’ve known SD since she was very young. You’re not as young as you think you are. To a little kid you will be old. What’s wrong with being called Nan or grandma? Seems like your ego is getting in the way.

Fgs. Most people on here are missing the point. She is not shunning the relationship but the name. She can be called what she bloody well wants. She has said she is delighted, is looking forward to the baby arriving and is happy to babysit. The child will be treated with love and kindness and that is what matters. Stop with the witch hunt

@Regretful123 I’m sure the op does feel the same. That’s probably why her husband is upset, maybe he thought she did care/hoped she’d care.

You didn't say that you didn't want to be called Nan, you said you didn't want too be a grandparent to your stepdaughters child. There is a world of difference in those two statements

YANBU. Your DH sounds like a prat. You get to decide what you are called not anyone else. I totally get what you mean about now it will be special to be a grandparent to your own DC. People on here get ridiculously unhinged over anything stepmothers do or say, you are not supposed to have free will, just ignore the twatty comments.

Sitting here thinking about it I've realised that although 12 years isn't a massive age gap this is probably the first time we (me and dh) have been in different places in our lives. I'm still very much Mummy my kids are young, yes he is still Daddy but he is now also Grandad to be and I am so not there yet! Grandma/Nanny etc are not even on my radar so it feels a bit weird for him to be putting this on me.

I do feel excited and I'm looking forward to it but evil/vile/nasty cow/jealous/vicious or not I'm not in Grandparent mind set, yet.

Disagree on shunning name not the relationship. They're hand in hand. If your child doesn't consider that person to be part of the core family, but someone's wife, that will stick. They won't consider you a grandparent thats just not got a grandmotherly title. They'll consider them grandad's wife.

Ps I became a step nan in my late thirties. I didn't want to be "nan" or god forbid Grandma either. My step dd said I could call myself what I wanted so we settled on Nanna Witch. My own ds is a long way off having his own dc's so my step gd's are my only gd's for now but I treat them and am treated the same as a bio grandmother. And I am sure the same will be said of the op

My Dads wife is younger (a few year younger than me ) but she makes my Dad happy so all that matters. My girls call her by her first name. No issues or confusion she has always known my girls (for 17 years!)
Everyone happy!

Bloody hell you're so defensive and aggressive swearing and getting annoyed. That's probably part of the problem, you're being a drama queen. You asked if you were being unreasonable and people think you are.

What you don't seem to get is that you've kicked up a fuss about this and made it about you. It isn't. There was no need to be so over dramatic about it and make it a big deal. You didn't need to be so OTT about it.

It could have naturally resolved itself or you could have said nicely "ooh I feel like it would be overstepping as they'll have a lovely nan already, they can call me (your name) and I'll still love them just as much." Same request, not dickish or drama llama.

I can see your point of view re being called nan I guess, but you've gone about this in such a mean spirited way. It's not even about your opinion on it as such, it's your attitude.

Can't you chill out about it, remind yourself it's not about you and think how nice it is that they think of you dearly enough to consider you such a close family member?

God, all the shit going on in the world and you're so vitriolic about this!

The fact there so many deleted posts tells you all you need to know OP. I'm glad I don't know you