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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a Nan

591 replies

Notanan · 15/06/2020 21:03

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

OP posts:
MamaFirst · 15/06/2020 22:26

Totally absurd responses on this thread! Have any of you got actual experience of this situation? I have ✋ and we didnt call that person grandparent, they were just their name. It was their choice at the time, which was respected. They were still a valued part of the family, basically a grandparent just not called grandparent. No big deal whatsoever 🙄

Op, your DH shouldn't assume his daughter will even want you to be called Nan. He's excited, and it's sweet he wants you to be involved in name... but he should understand and respect you are not his daughters mother, and everything that comes with that.

Your feelings make complete sense to me 🤷‍♀️

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 15/06/2020 22:26

Do you know what your SD and her Mum think? Maybe they feel the same as you anyway?

LouLouLoo · 15/06/2020 22:28

You are, by refusing to be a grandparent, saying that only the children of your biological children count as grandchildren.

You have been in your SD life for many years, I think your attitude is very hurtful.

Cactuslove · 15/06/2020 22:28

Oh OP I feel really bad for some of the responses you have had. I think wanting to be called whatever you want is fine... my parents took ages to settle on their names when I had my little boy. Maybe your DP is more hurt by the sentiment... that SD having a baby isn't as special as your own daughters having kids. But I kind of understand that too. He is just in an excited bubble at the moment. I'm sure it will all settle down. I would go along with it all and just say to SD ohhhh I dont want to step on your mums toes I would love to be called '...'.

PerfectPenquins · 15/06/2020 22:28

I dont know why your getting so much hate tbh. Your husband is wrong to assume what you will be called, its up to his daughter to offer for you to be called nan not up to him. Your not comfortable with it and that's ok. Hopefully he will drop it now and wait and see if his daughter brings it up. She calls you by your name so it could come naturally to her that her children do as well. Like you say there are 4 grandparents living so dont see why this is an issue. I get your point and I agree if thats what your happy with.

twistwist · 15/06/2020 22:29

I thought you might have not wanted to be known as nan because you are still young not because "they're not your children", I believe DH is deeply hurt as now it seems everything you've ever had to do for his children has been pretentious cause they aren't your children.

Miljea · 15/06/2020 22:29

What we're seeing here is how many responders are involved in 'non-traditional family structures', where disparate people are shoe-horned into roles, via nomenclature they wouldn't necessarily have chosen, by others.

My own dear DH went through a phase of calling me 'mummy' when the DSs were young. I finally put my foot down and said 'I am not your mummy'. Because the name infantilised our adult relationship.

The OP has a DH who seems determined to shoe-horn her into a role, that of grandmother. Via constant, irritating reference to 'Nan'. We have become sidetracked with her age, accusing her of vanity.

No, she is not the child's actual grandmother. The child has two of them already. She has already said she will have full involvement in this child's life. But not necessarily as 'the Nan'. DH wants this as it papers over the absolutely inevitable cracks in a blended family's wallpaper.

The OP is not 'vile', or 'nasty'. She just doesn't want the associations with the term 'Nan'.

Original poster
Notanan · 15/06/2020 22:29

@chubbyhotchoc Didn't you know when you marry a man you take on his children and everything that goes with them unless of course that offends their mother or someone else in the family in which case you are a complete nobody?? Step parenting privilege!

Ha! Yep being a stepparent definitely means I have to go along with everything they want unless their Mum doesn't want it to happen and then I must stop immediately. If I wanted to be called Nan and their Mum didn't want me to be then I would have to be called by my own name 🙄 I don't get to have an opinion or to want something!

OP posts:
Tacobellend · 15/06/2020 22:30

I'm a similar age to you with similar circumstances I understand completely how you feel. I'm referred to as my name and everyone's fine with that .you are not being cold or unreasonable.

GinDrinker00 · 15/06/2020 22:30

You sound awful.

ShowOfHands · 15/06/2020 22:30

My dc have a step grandad. We never used the word step and told him that he was simply their grandad in our eyes. He was really touched and said it was a privilege to hold that role. We meant it as the deepest compliment to him and his standing in our family.

I suppose I understand on some level but the way you've framed it is a bit sad. This baby won't take away from the cherished role you play for your biological grandchildren, not because you are given a certain name. Two of our nephews aren't biologically related to us - ivf babies - and I find it so wonderful and surprising that I love them so instinctively. They are so much part of the fabric of our family. It was such a wonderful lesson in what makes a family. It would be a shame to miss out on that wouldn't it? Is it not easier to just let it all go for now and just enjoy the experience of your and DH's family growing?

eurochick · 15/06/2020 22:32

I'm not seeing the issue. My fil has a much younger second wife. My daughter just calls her by her name (her choice and it absolutely makes sense as my daughter has four biological grandparents).

nokidshere · 15/06/2020 22:32

Oh OP I feel really bad for some of the responses you have had. I think wanting to be called whatever you want is fine

Of course it is. But that's not what people are answering. OP said she didn't want to be a grandparent to her stepdaughters child, not that she didn't want to be called nan.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 15/06/2020 22:33

"If SD's Mum wasn't around then I would absolutely step up and let the baby call me Nan or Nanny or whatever but she is around and they are very close so I don't feel the need to be in that roll."
What do your stepchildren call you OP?

I agree that you don't need to be called nan (or even regard yourself as their grandmother). You can still love and support the future child(ren) without being referred to as their nan.

I think there ought to be different terms where there has been a divorce rather than the death of a parent. My parents divorced and my mother remarried. I loved her husband. I referred to him as my mum's husband and when I addressed him I called him by his name. I didn't refer to him as my stepdad because he did not step up to the position of dad. He didn't need to as I already had my dad.

Someone made a comment that your children shouldn't be more important to you than your husband"s. That is rubbish. You can still love your husband's children wholeheartedly but the ones you created with him and gave birth to are always going to be more important. That is natural.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 15/06/2020 22:33

My dad remarried when my youngest was 2 - they all call her by her first name, love her to bits but she's not granny. (Our family choice of name.) I absolutely get what you're saying/ Maybe a special name - a child friendly version of your first name?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 15/06/2020 22:33

We, @ShowOfHands my ivf baby is most definitely related to me! Do you mean that the parents used donor eggs and/or sperm?

Miljea · 15/06/2020 22:33

Whatnametomorriw everyone's happy, til his Will bequeathes everything to his young wife....

SideEyeing · 15/06/2020 22:34

My DH's stepdad is definitely grandpa to my DD. I don't think it's really up your DH or DSD but more a personal relationship between you and the child. Would you be willing to say to the child when they're 2 or 3 and say "I'm not your nanny, I'm X" if that's what they did end up calling you?

I don't mean for you to answer that now, and the answer may indeed end up being "yes". But you mind find your relationship develops differently and you feel differently over time. Let it play out and enjoy the family whatever happens :)

In terms of dealing with your DH, you'll also probably avoid some rows by saying "well let's just see what the baby ends up calling me." Kids are weird, you could end up having your own entirely random nickname.

Jada1234 · 15/06/2020 22:34

Its was a privilege to be called nanny by my Step gran children by my step daughter when I was 36. I love them so much they make me so happy. Yes my children were young also but my husband had a child when I married him. I love his daughter so much. Your going to miss out.

Pixxie7 · 15/06/2020 22:35

Silver lining you will be a young nan, who can join in all their games. If you really don’t want to called nan think of something you would like to be called, because you will be part of the babies life.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 15/06/2020 22:35

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be grandad's wife rather than a grandmother to her husband and his ex's children.

CrocodilesCry · 15/06/2020 22:35

Your reaction is really horrible - my DSD made me a Nanny at 37 (DP is older than me, I'm closer in age to DSD) and I was thrilled!

There was a lot of joking about me being a young DGM but that's just what it was, a joke. It's an honour to be called Nanny/Grandma by your stepchildren's children, surely?

If you have stepchildren and younger kids of your own then it's fairly obvious they're likely to have children before your own do Confused

HazelBite · 15/06/2020 22:36

Gosh you lucky lady, what a blessing that you will have a grandchild as part of your family.
Stop splitting hairs and thank your lucky stars.
Some people don't have that luck!

Travis1 · 15/06/2020 22:36

🤣🤣🤣🤣 can’t believe all the frothing. When my hypothetical children arrive my mothers husband will be anything but grandpa. Like fuck am I giving him that accolade and I don’t even have a dad in the picture either 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

OP I get it completely and don’t think you’re unreasonable at all.

ilovecake122 · 15/06/2020 22:36

I don't think you are being unreasonable. The baby has two nans, if I were you I would say you want to be known as your Christian name to the child.

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