To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

I think you're putting a barrier between yourself and DH. He is thrilled and wants you to share his happiness, as part of his family (just as he is part of your family). Have a thought for how he's feeling and how it may affect his feelings for you.

@Notanan

I've not once said I won't love the baby! I'm looking forward to having a baby in the family because the last one was my youngest. I love babies and will cuddle and babysit at anytime but I just don't want to be "Nan"!! Jesus fucking Christ I didn't think that made me a monster!!

No, it sounds completely fair enough. I’m surprised you’re getting such abusive responses.

Maybe try to sweeten the pill with your DH by emphasising you’re excitement about the baby more than the name issue?

If it really becomes a point of contention with your DH (or upsets your DSD at all) could you compromise by being Nonna, Glamma or another one of those non-gran gran names?

Your not you’re^

@Notanan

I've told him I don't want to be a Nan I'm happy to be known as my name. He said I have to be a Nan because I am married to him and he is going to be a grandad.

This is the root of your problem, He shouldn't tell you what you should be called, it's up to you. You don't have to be called anything if you don't want to be.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I don't know why everyone is being so harsh. It would be different if you had actually brought up your stepdaughter (I expect you'd probably feel rather differently then) but I assume you didn't and I assume they just call you by your name!

You are not their nan/gran/grandmother. You are their grandad's wife, "Notanan". I'd feel weird by being pushed into the nan/gran role too. Be nice, kind, act excited (possibly more excited than you feel given that you are not long past the baby stage yourself!). But don't make anyone feel you have to be Nan. Let me know to call you by your name.

I’m in my 40s and a step GP. I love it!

I was asked what I wanted to be called and said I really didn’t care. I’m just happy to be in her life and to have the opportunity to be a 3rd grandmother. She is a very loved little girl.

So my advice is to relax and enjoy the experience, who cares about names. Your DH is likely excited.

I hear you OP.

Despite being with DH for nearly twenty years, and married for most of those, I still have no relationship with my SD, who has rejected all my attempts to treat her the same way as I treat my own DC of similar ages and make a blended family.

When SD announced her pregnancy, I had all this Nana nonsense from DH. I pointed out that DSGC has four perfectly good grandparents and they can call me by my name.

I'm happy to be a significant adult if the opportunity or need arises, but I am not a grandparent.

Sorry a few people have asked what SD calls me and she calls me by my name or the shortened version as do her brothers.

Someone else asked why I asked when I had made up my mind and I asked because I wanted to see what others thought since my dh has told me that I'm being nasty and that I have no choice in the matter, I will be a Nan. SD hasn't even discussed it and is only 10 weeks pregnant so there is a long way to go, I repeatedly said this to dh but he would shut the fuck up!

She was 10 so you're either her step mum or not

And if you WERE her stepmum then you AUTOMATICALLY BECOME step Gran 🤷‍♀️

I never understand the point of threads like these.

Whether I think you're being mean and selfish is irrelevant, because you think you're being perfectly fine.

Even if every single person on here said YABU, which has very nearly happened, you would still think your response is fine.

So why start a thread?

Feels like making a big issue out of nothing.
If the issue is simply with the ‘Nan’ work you could have light heartedly found a way to deal with that.

The strength of feeling and the comments you made after makes it sound more like an issue with being considered a Nan to this child.

I guess from your Dh perspective he’s probably excited about his daughters pregnancy and being a grandad. Then you have to highlight she’s not you daughter and make it feel like you aren’t all a family.

I've not once said I won't love the baby! I'm looking forward to having a baby in the family because the last one was my youngest. I love babies and will cuddle and babysit at anytime but I just don't want to be "Nan"!! Jesus fucking Christ I didn't think that made me a monster!!

That's not what you said in your OP, though is it?
It came across like you're not going to be Nan because she's not your kid so therefore baby by default is not your grandkid - will only be so when it's "your" child.
Which is pretty bloody horrible to be honest.
Would you be like that the other way round and it was your DH saying that about one of your children who was pregnant?
I'm not going to be Grandad as it's not my child's baby?

OP, I'm with you and a couple of previous posters - if your SD doesn't call you 'Mum' why would her children call you 'Nan/Nanny' (and in the unlikely event she does call you Mum, whatever you want to be called is still your decision).

So many posters being extremely unpleasant, why on earth are they insisting you should bow to your husband's demands when it's clear you want something different - I'm stunned. Congratulations to your family.

I agree with you OP, you are not the granny, and you are respecting your SD mother by not allowing that to take place. I think that everyone will calm down when the excitement has ended. I mean if the father of the childs parents are remarried who wants 8 grandparents, it could get messy.

I don't think you are being unreasonable or horrid. My stepfather married my mother in 1981 when I was 21. My DC were born in 1994 and 1998. My mother introduced him to baby DS as grandad and had to be corrected. He is not my father, I call him by his first name. He is not my children's grandfather. He is my mother's husband. Their grandfather's were (sadly now) my father and dh's father. My DC do not share my mother's husband's blood. Therefore he is not their grandfather and absolutely is not entitled to be called grandad. End. Of. Just as my father's wife, my step mother could never be their grandma or nan or whatever else she could have been called. It's simply a fact.

I am Gran to my own grandchildren. I have a partner, we are not married, he had children and grandchildren who call me by the word for Grandmother in their family language. The real Grandmother has not be seen or heard from in over 20 years so I don't feel I am stepping on her toes.
I don't like the words nan or nanny so I would not like to be called either of these so for different reasons I agree with the OP

Imo I think your allowed to choose what your known as, weather that's Nan, or by your own name ! Up to you !

Doesn't it usually end up being the child who determines what someone is called

YABU both my parents remarried. If my step mum said she didn't want to be a nan/gran or step dad didn't want to be a Grandad etc I'd be very upset... it's like a slap in the face. You're essentially saying "you're not part of my family". I can't believe you can't see that? Your poor husband.

FFS, bold fail - top was a quote

I think you're being perfectly reasonable @notanan.

Firstly 'nan' is a rather diminutive term when men get the much more serious sounding 'Granddad'.

Secondly you don't have to accept a societal label to show you love a baby! Ridiculous. Just the love the baby and be kind to him/her and ignore the expectations of others, women are always expected to confirm, it's tedious.

My stepmother is great and plays a grandparent-style role with my dc. She’s very much “her name” rather than granny or whatever. And that’s totally fine by me. So the children have always, quite happily, said Grandpa and Xxxx when referring to them as a couple.

So it’s entirely possible to play a part in a child’s life as if you were a grandparent without the label. And why not?!

YABU, and whether you like it or not, you will be a grandparent to this child.

@Lilymossflower

Imo I think your allowed to choose what your known as, weather that's Nan, or by your own name ! Up to you !

Don’t the children usually copy whatever the grownups model?

I Became ‘Nanny’ at 33. My husband is a fair bit older and his daughter had a gorgeous little boy, who’s a very tall 14 now. I am his ‘nan’ to all intents and purposes.

I’m a nan to 5 biological children and 3 step grandchildren now. I’m just ‘Nanny’. I love them all, and would admit to being a wee bit closer to one of my step grandchildren in truth because she’s so bloody funny.

It’s just a name, I think you’ll miss out holding this distance.