To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

I have to say I’m by some comments. Those who say that as the OP has become a step mum, she should be treated the children and the grandkids as her own and therefore she is a nan. Period.

So... I’m now wondering how people would feel if by becoming a step mother, the OP also had become mum (if she is nan, surely, she is also mum right?). Or how the dsd and her mum feel about her being called nan. Has anyone talked to the mother of the dsd and asked how she wants to be called for example? Has anyone asked how dsd Greeks abiut the OP being called nan?
The dsd might be happy with it or she might be very uncomfortable about it (how many threads do we have in here where the woman is unhappy that the step mother is insisting to be called nan???).

And then lastly, I think the OP can chose to be called whatever she wants (as long as it doesn’t upset the dsd, see above). Some parents decide to not call themselves mum and dad (my cousins have never called their parents like that). Some grand parents don’t want to be called, grand PA, nan etc... Surely it’s their choice??

Its your choice, it's not horrid, but don't come posting in 5 or 10 years time to say that your grand daughter clearly favours your husband and only considers you like his girlfriend, that it hurts to see them playing together and all the love he gets from her whilst you just get to watch as a standby.

Btw the dsc babies not being good enough... For the OP to be considered to be ‘nan’ and see those children as her own grand children, you assume a closeness in the relationship between the OP and dsc. A really close relationship. But is it? For all we know the OP met the dsd when she was 12yo and saw her every other weekend until she left home at 18yo. Maybe not the right environment to foster such a close relationship with dsd and be called nan anyway.... Which would go a long way to explain why the OP dosnt feel like nan!

Oh this is really silly. Lots of parents and grandparents and steps are known by their first name it doesn't diminish them in itself.

That’s really mean OP.

My partner's grandchildren call me by my name but their children call me nana and I love it. Hopefully you will change your mind when baby arrives

I mean it doesn’t really matter if you want to be or not. You're the child’s grandparent. Step grandparent if you want to get into technicalities but that’s just a fact.

You sound delightful and I agree with an attitude like that your step daughter won't even consider you being a 'nan' to her kid. Your dh has probably been saying that to make you feel included in his and his daughter's happiness. If you don't want to be a part of that fair enough. You clearly see your dd to be separate from your step daughter and not in any way equal, thinking and feeling this way will only cause resentment from your dd and dh. You really shouldn't have had kids with a man who already has them if you feel this way.

My mum was a grandma at 49 (dad was 54) not much older than you as she is 20 years older than me and I had my first at 29. Is it the fact that you are young ish at 40 to be a nan or the fact that it is your step daughters child that makes you not want to be called nan. Would you not like to have a grandparent type relationship with the child?

I think it would be a good time for you to reflect on your behaviour. If you genuinely feel this way then come up with ways to explain it without causing any hurt or upset to your dsd and dh, hopefully their relationship won't be impacted by your hang ups.

My mum became a gran at 37 and my step dad and her spilt 10 years ago but he is still papa to my 2 year old and he love the ‘honour’.
Your dh just doesn’t differentiate his joy from yours and it’s actually a lovely thing. Give it more time and see how you feel before sticking the foot down yet, as you said it’s early days.

No she is NOT 'the child's grandparent'! Presumably the title of Grandma or 'Nan' goes to......the child.'s actual grandmother. ...

I think there are a lot of people that aren't called nan or equivalent but just have an affectionate name even if they are in fact the real nan! Also of course the real 'nan' your DHs ex, may prefer herself to be the nan and not like it if someone else is muscling in. Can you have a shortened affectionate name that they call you - it may invent itself anyway and say that you wouldn't want to muscle in on the real nan's name? I recognise it comes across as 'not warm' as some have criticised but I do completely understand when you are in the middle of bringing up your own children and don't want to feel older than you are! I would try to brush it off, not go on about not wanting to be a man and just say 'oh I would like to be be called x' - a shortened pet name that links to the first letter of your name?

AawI can see your point. Also that your husband doesn't seem to care and keeps piling on with the insistence about calling you nan. I'd let it go for now, and discuss once the news has settled in. It sounds like you're happy for your dsd, it's just all about the name, the way I understand you.
My DH feels the same, if my children (not his) have babies. He is happy to have a nickname though. Otoh, if my dsd has a child, she's already said she'd like me to be Nanny, and that's fine with all of us too.

I think it has to something to do with your age. The fact about how you think someone in their 50s is a "young " grandparent shows how you feel about it about age. You don't want to be grandparent at 40, that's what it's about. If you were in your 60s I think you would have felt different.

Lots of people become grandparents in their 50s and 60s. It's not young. If your dc who's 10 now became pregnant at 25, you'd be a grandparent at 55, imagine that.

So 'step' for you really means separate, or to those individuals in your family that bear that label, 'less'. You know it might suprise you to learn that people can have enough love in their hearts for all their relatives, 'step' or otherwise. Reading your post has made me so grateful that my own step-fathers were so loving and supportive and the fact that I was not a direct blood descendant was completely irrelevant; I had amazing relationships with them both.

Get over yourself apologise and stop making what should be a lovely time for everyone all about you !

Surely OP is doing the opposite. She's not claiming a right to be called Nan when it isn't appropriate.

If the child's real grandmother came on here and said she wasn't happy about the ex's current partner claiming the right to be called Nan, people who attack OP would be falling over themselves to say how unreasonable the current partner was being.

I think this is that step mother/ mother bias. If you had posted that your step mother was wanting to be called nan of your children you'd have had a different response.

My mother keeps insisting, like your husband, that her husband is my children's grandfather by virtue of being married to her Which is actually making it all about her.

No, my father is grandfather to my children by virtue of being my father.

Has your husband asked his ex how she feels about you being called nan? I think he is making it all about him and his feelings by saying you must be nan without actually asking how you feel, his daughter feels or the child's actual grandmother. It's quite off to all the actual women who will be affected and he sounds like a big fucking baby to be perfectly honest.

I don’t think you should be classed as a grandparent if the girls mother is still alive, or if you don’t want to be.
I don’t have my husband’s sibling’s children call me aunty as I don’t feel in any way connected to them. They are my husbands blood family, not mine.

I wouldn’t want to be called Nan at 40 either!

Maybe gently explain to your DH that “Nan” makes you feel older than you are, and that’s unsettling.

i don't thing YABU at all - but that is mostly because i absloutely loathe the word "nan" (and nanna, nanny etc). But tbh if everyone around you calls you that the baby will grow up to do that too.

Nip it in the bud and say that you prefer "x" or something and see how it goes.

I think you should actually speak to your step daughter alone. Explain that her father wants you to be "nan" but you don't think it's appropriate because the child does have a nan. I bet, with the greatest respect that she doesn't actually want you to be nan. Does your husband have a tendency to make everything about what he wants?

I hope the op has stopped reading this thread. Its disgusting the comments she's getting. She's under no obligation to be called anything.

OP YANBU!!

I’m really shocked by these awful comments!
FWIW I’m mid twenties and just had a baby myself, his grandparents are mine and DH’s parents (not step parents)!

I would understand the outrage if SD was a child and you were discriminating between how you treated her and your own children. That’s a very different situation, but this is a grown woman having a baby. Equally if you were especially close to her and she viewed you as her mother (which isn’t the case as you clearly explain she has her own DM who she is very close to).

The way I read your post OP isn’t mean or antagonistic it’s that you think the title of
‘grandma’ is a big privilege which, in these circumstances, you don’t deserve/want because it dilutes the meaning for everyone.

My mum and DH’s mum wouldn’t have been pleased at having anyone else who’d ‘married in’ having that name, in the same way they’d be hurt if we suddenly started calling someone else mum!!

YANBU and I'm pretty shocked your DH thinks it's up to him what you are called by people. If you want your SD's child to call you by your name that is entirely up to you.

You won’t really be a Grandma anyway, only a step-Grandma at best and the child will probably call you your first name. My Mum’s partner has never been my DC’s Grandad and never would be. You’re being over-dramatic, you did also choose to have a child with someone who already had much older children so this was inevitable at some point. 25 isn’t young by any means, she isn’t 15.