To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

If this thread has shown anything, its that there is no right or wrong.

My parents are divorced and remarried. Mum married a year before I had dc1. Dad remarried when DC were 6 and 4. I have 2 brothers and 4 step siblings (we don't use the word step though. They are my brothers and sisters, even though we were mostly adults when our parents married).

When I was expecting dc1 I asked my mum and dad if they had any objections to step parents using a 'Grandparent name'. They looked at me like I'd grown an extra head . We let every grandparent choose their own name.
Grandma and Grandpa name
Grandad and Nana Name
Gran and Grandad. (They divorced after dc were born and Gran remarried. I think the DC call him by his name, but tbh we can't remember the last time they saw them)
By the time dc1 could talk the 'name' had been dropped from Nana and Grandpa and they just 'are' Grandparents. Obviously as the DC got older we told them how everyone was related.

My nieces and nephews (some from brother some from step sibs) are all younger and it has made it easier that they all call the step/grandparents the same name. Mine are teens so old enough to know that if talking to a 4 year old referring to their Mum as Mummy is easier. But when the 4 year olds are all talking and say "where's Nana?" (For eg) theres no confusion about who Nana is.

My step mum told me once that one of the best days of her life was me asking her if she wanted to have a Grandparent name. I'm glad she said yes, but ultimately it was her choice.

I get that this child will not be biologically your grandchild. I get that you feel you are not ready to be a grandparent/nan.

But do you recognise that the title of nan, nonna, meemar are only given to few special people in the family - which you ARE part of? They express a special person who will unconditionally love this little baby, as they grow and explore the world. To reject the title is to reject the family tie. Don't get bogged down in biology when it is relationships that matter the most.

Your husband is excited by this new phase, and wants to share this with you, as you are a united, loving couple. The title means something to him, it means something to your SD, it may well mean something to your own children, who see they will become aunties, so why are you not a grandparent.... and if this child calls you "Fi" you are going to likely find out your daughter children will too - they will hear their cousins calling you this etc, the name you choose now should be the one you keep for all grandchildren equally.

But you reject this notion, you act cross and aggressively that this child will ever know you as more than "Fi". The rejection of the special role being given to you is the problem.

I would put a stop the ribbing, the knitting/tea jibes constantly, as that would wear thin whatever the biology of the baby to be.

But for the name, speak calmly, I don't want to choose now, let's see what ex chooses as her name - we will find me a special title, but I don't want it to be Nan.

When your daughters have a child, it will be different, it will be more special because of the bond you share... but this is your husband's first grandchild, join in with him in this journey. Be a part of this family, be his partner in this.

Wow - if this was posted as a reverse and SD said they didn't want their kids to call u nanny then there would have been loads of support.

Now U don't want to be called nanny there's loads of opposition!

U can be called whatever u want

I think you're being a bit mean sorry. I know what you mean but imagine you were your step daughter. Really excited about being a mum and for you to be a nan. If you don't want to do a lot with the baby or take a step back that's fine but don't hurt her or your dh.

If I was your DH think it would be quite hurtful how you want to be nan to your kids but not step kids.
I think I would let SD decide

I totally understand this and I think it’s a reflection of how first families often think of everything in relation to them. You’re a mother and that’s your life experience at the moment. I wouldn’t take too kindly to being recategorised as a grandmother twenty years before I’d expected.

And 52 is young for your husband to become a grandparent these days. Lots of people don’t start having children until their mid thirties, which in turn means that you wouldn’t expect to be a grandparent until your late sixties. I don’t expect to become a grandparent until I’m 60, at the earliest.

YABU for not wanting to be their grandparent, but Yanbu for not wanting to be called “nan”, I’d hate that too.

They're trying to include you and you're being a total dick

@Euclid granny sounds like a woman in her 80s. Why are you so het up about what people call their grandparents anyway? "Nan" probably comes from "Nonna" in italian/Greek. In Welsh it's "Nain".

Well I don’t think you’re unreasonable to say you don’t want to be known as Nan and you want to be known as your name. People are allowed to ask to be called whatever they like.

But be honest - this is purely about your self-image. You just don’t want to be called ‘Nan’ or anything similar at the age of 40. You enjoy being the younger woman and now you don’t like the prospect of being called ‘Nan’ because it ruins your self image. But it should have crossed your mind when you started a family with a man who already had teenage children!

Is it just the word 'Nan' ? Maybe your could have a Nantype nickname ?

Or do you not want to take on a grandparent role ?

Have you spoken to your SD about it? What's her opinion?

My stepdad and stepmum treat my daughter like their own blood grandchildren, how can you not?! My daughter loves having 6 grandparents.
It won't make your blood grandchild any less special

My mil refused to be called nan (or any other chosen name) mostly because her new husband wanted kids and was jealous of me being pregnant (they apparently were trying but she is much older than him and it didn't happen), she never bonded with the kids and now they are adults they never bother to see her. They don't see their grandad now because his wife was only interested in her grandchildren and they got treated like second class citizens. What I'm saying is if your dp wants to have a good relationship with his family ongoing you need to get over this now, a baby doesn't care about blood or what you are called but quickly his dd will pick up on the fact you don't consider them your relatives.

Haven't RTFT but there is a super easy solution to this.

I have a relative that is a step grandparent.

She's known as 'auntie heartlake'.

So you could be Granddad and Auntie Yourname.

It doesn't matter if this isn't absolutely factually correct. 'Auntie' is a real term is endearment and for lots of reasons you may be more comfortable with it.

What do you think OP?

Given you’ve been in your SD life since she was a fairy young child I think YABU. I’d be really really upset if my dh said he didn’t considered my eldest dd’s children his grandchildren when the time came. When he decided to be with me he also decided to be a dad to her.

My DHs parents are also remarried and our children call the step grandparents grandpa “name” and grandma “ name”. (And PILs all treat my eldest the same as their “actual” grandchild)

The OP isn't saying she won't love and help with the baby! She doesn't want to be called Nan is all. I totally understand that - I'm in the same situation and wanted to be called my name but was ignored by everyone. I don't like being called nanny - it sounds like a goat.

No YNBU. There are so many connotations attached to being a nan, gran etc. Even in the dictionary it mentions 'elderly woman'! It's an unfair label to carry at such a young age in our particular society.

Whilst I'm sure you're chuffed at a new arrival in your family and happy for the expectant couple, I'd not wish nanny/granny terms on someone so young. perhaps come up with another term that this child and their future siblings can use which denotes your position in the wider family/commands a level of respect and, which doesn't diminish the status of their bio grandparents.

In some families, auntie/derivatives of/or completely made up names are used in similar situations.

I'm not surprised your DH doesn't get it though!

We didn’t call my mum’s step mum “nan” or “grandma”. We just referred to her by her first name. That was her choice and it worked for everyone.

Why is everyone piling on and saying 'you sound horrid' ....if you don't want to called 'nan' I don't blame you. Who would? What's wrong with your name?

I think being married to an older man has made you childlike. Your op reads as if you and your D.C. are in competition with his older D.C. to be number 1 family.

IME babies and toddlers find their own name for people. Parents and Grandparents (or step grandparents) can make plans and suggestions but the child eventually settles on a name they prefer. So if there is mutual love and affection on a grandparent level the name will be something that reflects that. If the feelings are less strong they might well end up calling you by your first name.

Whatever happens I think you need to relax about this. As you have pointed out, this isn’t your grandchild, so you don’t have much say in things. As long as it eventually addresses you politely the exact nomenclature is out of your control.

You are being totally OTT about this, the more you go on the more people will wind you up. Personally I've never liked being called 'mummy' or 'mum' .... I much prefer it when my DS uses my own name ... I hate being called by my 'status' (for want of a better word) but society seems to impose these 'traditions' on us. But I don't make a fuss about .... just calm down and see what name naturally develops.

However you phrase it, it looks as though you don't see your role with your SD as 'special' in anyway and that is hurtful. As if your 'image' of being a grandmother is 'old lady with grey hair and knitting needles (& nothing wrong with that). Do you expect (hope) that your DH will treat any 'joint' grandchildren more favourably in the future? . Put other people's feelings first for a change.

if you don't want to called 'nan' I don't blame you. Who would?

The op would, but only when her biological children have babies. Her step kids baby isn't good enough. That's the issue.

I think what has dawned on me on this thread is that there is no society approved name for a step Mum.

It is literally a case of being called by your first name, there is never an opportunity for that to progress to a word that everyone instantly understands, like aunt or nephew should children feel the want to change it.

So we don't call step Mums "step Mum" but by their first name. Wouldn't it be nice to have a universally accepted term of endearment for a step Mum?

This is why there is then a possible issue with being a Grandma/Nanna etc

...and it would br ridiculous to be 'Auntie' because you are not you are grandfather's wife.

My mum was a Nan at 40 and she's a Nannie