To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

I'm not even reading back before saying fuck off @Euclid 40 years ago my beloved Nan was my Nan.

@bubbleup I am sure that your beloved grandmother would be ashamed of you using the f word. There is no need to be confrontational. I simply asked a question as to how the word grandmother/granny got translated into Nan.

I think I'd feel the same OP. First, I'm 40 too with very young children. The idea of being a grandmother at this age... I can't even wrap my head around it Second, it's not your grandchild! It almost seems disrespectful to the actual maternal grandmother. It doesn't mean you can't have a lovely relationship with the baby. Third, "nan" is the most godawful grandmother name ever!

I have step grandparents

It was always grandma and grandad (step) but never called him stepgrandad

And then grandad and his wife's name - she was never called nan by us , don't know why

we had the same sort of relationship I would say just not as close but I don't think that has anything to do with what we called them

If don't want to be called nanny, should be your choice

Ask them to call you something different 😊 I get where you are coming from.

Thanks Phoenix. Where do these people get the idea of saying Nan? It has no literal connection with grandmother or Granny. I asked how this strange word came about and got a rude response from some idiot who called her grandmother Nan. Both my wonderful grandmothers would have been horrified to be called Nan.

I think YANBU. My mother has a partner of 12 years. When I had kids we didn't consider him a grandad of my kids. My kids just call him by his name. I would be mortified if I called him their grandad by mistake or something. He is a lovely guy though. But judging by the comments here, we are the odd ones out!

Yes you are correct, you don't have to be a Nan in the true sense of the word. Your name would be quite ok, when the child is aware of things as such. But you are always going to get other family members, who will give you their thoughts on this matter...

Your Nanny days will come in the future.

@Euclid

What is this ridiculous word "Nan"? The word is grandmother/Granny. How did the other come about? If you listen to HM's grandchildren talking about her they always say Granny.

Does it matter if someone calls their grandmother Grandmother (very formal), Grandma, Granny, Gran, Nan, Nanny, Nonna, abuela or anything else at all?

My sister is in your position. Her husband became a grandad last year.
She doesn't consider herself the baby's granny. She loves him but when he gets bigger she plans on having him call her by her first name.
She's only been married to her husband for about 5 years so she wasn't involved at all in raising his children.

@Euclid

Thanks Phoenix. Where do these people get the idea of saying Nan? It has no literal connection with grandmother or Granny. I asked how this strange word came about and got a rude response from some idiot who called her grandmother Nan. Both my wonderful grandmothers would have been horrified to be called Nan.

Maybe evolved from the Greek ‘nonna’? Does it matter?

I can see where you are coming from.

However in reality you will adore this baby and any future ones as they will be part of the family of people who you love.

Also it doesn't matter what the grownups say the little one will most likely give you the name they choose. None of my sons grandparents are called by a regular name.

I know family who have an unofficial stepchild and her children call them grandparents names. 10 years later when their bio child had a baby that again was their first grandchild and just as exciting.

Love just grows, it never diminishes anything.

The daughter probably won't see you as her DC's grandparent, so I don't think you have to worry.

Completely missing the point here I know, but is 52 considered young to become a grandparent? Sounds like a typical age to me.

Maybe the SD won't want you as Nan and all this upset would be over nothing.

I'm a Nanny, I have 2 GC and I'm 47 years old with a 9 year old as well.

I love being called nanny,makes my day♥️

I dont think you sound horrid at all! At 40 you are a little too young for that title, and I assume this is what you are not happy about?The point is you will upset your DH and DSD if you are not careful! Would you settle for Nanny Jane or something like that ? Then it has your name as well .At the end of the day its just a name ,and you will have a lovely baby to share in plus your DDs will love having a baby cousin to play with as well!

When I see peoples replies and responses were deleted by MNHQ i am wondering what the hell they said that have gone against the rules when people swear and curse on here all day long!!!!!! And that never gets removed!

Anyway back to the point, I think you are.bwing unreasonable . It's sad that you said shes.notnyour child
Biologically,.yes but they probably have a connection and a relationship with you that perhaps would make them upset I'd they heard you say this. Your Dh was just being silly and jokey calling you a nana cos he's excited. My mum became a nanny at 44/45 and she loved it. To my elder brothers first child and my first child. So no problem there. Yes, perhaps you dont want be a grandmother just yet but there could have been a nice way to put things. Tell your Dh sorry

I think you're quite disrespectful to both your dh and you sd. Have you thought how your dh has probably always thought "when DD has children we will be nan and grandad" rather than just grandad on his own? I agree with pp who said as soon as your sd realises your attitude she won't want you to be nan either.
My children have 2 grandads and 3 nans. One of their nans isn't even married to fil but is nan none the less as they have been together so long. They call her nanny name

You could even be called Aunty instead of stepnanny

@Euclid

What is this ridiculous word "Nan"? The word is grandmother/Granny. How did the other come about? If you listen to HM's grandchildren talking about her they always say Granny.

None of my DCs 3 female Grandparents are called Grandmother or Granny. Neither of mine were either. My mum only had 1 set of Grandparents. She never called anyone Grandmother or Granny. I have no idea what my dad called his Grandparents. I'll have to ask.

While I agree that "Nan" isn't the nicest name, it is perfectly valid!

I think you’re right.
If I thought my grandchildren were calling my ex girlfriend nan I’d be fit to tied. I’m nanny not her.

Whatever you want OP is irrelevant, if this child is going to be part of your life then (s)he will decide what to call you.

In my family there was one grand parent who was called by her name, she wasn't a step parent, she just liked her name.

We have also had, Gran Gran (great grandma), Nana, Pops, Grandad, Granny.

@Euclid my mum is "nan" to my DS. She was 44 when he was born and didn't want to be "granny" as she thought it sounded way too old. I hate "granny" myself, I never called my grandmother that.

Oh dear! Someone doesn't want to be called gran at age of 40! That's what it's really about!
I'm called Nan-pie by my dgc. I don't knit. I dont do anything or act anything like a near 70 yr old. Their mates think I'm cool!
Get a grip it's only a name!

the thing is, even though you are only 40, you are still very old in the eyes of a little person... :) (thats really helpful aye).

My second bright light of help is to say when you married a man 12 years your senior, this was going to happen at some point. I get that the title of Nan shouldn't be bestowed or expected on you, so come up with something that suits you, and that one day, you will be still happy with all the little ones calling you that.

(I grew up with a Nan, my mother is Nanna to our Daughter, but my Husband's Mum was Grandma, I have heard various options that include first names in the mix, no reason you cannot do the same, but again, be prepared for all the little people in your life to use the same title).