To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

My kids call my stepdad papa, he's been in my life since i was 11. They also have my and dh dads who are both grampas. They are 10 and 8 they don't differentiate between them they love them all the same and know no difference, in fact they spend a lot more time with my stepdad as he collects them from school a few days a week.
YABU you will be in that babies life from the start it will love you as much as your DH.

I call my step mum by her first name but if I had kids she would be Nan to them. I think you are an arsehole

Does your step-mum not get a choice then @TigerBilly? Fortunately my own daughter asked me what I wanted to be called. And it wasn't Nan.

I don't see why OP, who's excited about the pregnancy, and looking forward to the baby who she knows she'll adore, is an arsehole simply because she doesn't want to be called Nan any more than I did.

Hmm I’m sort of with you @Notanan

What does your step daughter want?

My parents are separated and have respective partners. Both been with their partners for over 15 years. I’ve just had my first baby but my ‘step parents’ are not Nan and grandad. My mum and step dad are Nan and ‘bob’ and my dad is grandad and ‘sue’ Both my step parents didn’t want to be called a grandparent and neither did I. They are both lovely with my baby

Anyway. I give up. The lunatics, OP skimmers and those who don't RTFT have clearly taken over.

MN at its worst. Good luck OP.

Notanan YATNBU. Be called what you want to be called. It really us up to you. Your step daughter already has grandparents for her new baby.

In your shoes I'd probably go with the flow because I like an easy life, so if she insisted on calling you Nanny N or whatever, I'd go with it but you do not need to. Your dh sounds quite insensitive to your needs and some of these comments are ludicrous!

I hope it works out OK for you all and that all goes well with baby. It's a very difficult time to be pregnant and a new mum so maybe this will end up being a good thing for all of you as you all pull together.

What are you going to do if the child decides to call you Nan? Will your ego cope? Will you correct them?

YANBU. There is no reason whatsoever why you need to be Nan, Granny, or anything similar. I would have thought that the baby's biological grandmother might well object, and she's entitled to do so.

@whatelsecouldibecalled The ridiculous thing is that SD hasn't even mentioned it yet so I have no idea what she wants! It's just dh going on about it. I'd be more than happy to be Grandad and Fi (not my actual name but close ish) and I just didn't understand why that was so offensive!

@saraclara thank you, I'm leaving now!!

I get you OP. I think you’ve been getting a hard time n here.
You can make it clear you’d like to be referred to by your name. It’s doesn’t mean you won’t take grandmother position and treat the baby like a grandchild, ot just means you want to be called by your name. I don’t think it’s a big ask at all

@saraclara

I call my step mum by her first name but if I had kids she would be Nan to them. I think you are an arsehole

Does your step-mum not get a choice then @TigerBilly? Fortunately my own daughter asked me what I wanted to be called. And it wasn't Nan.

I don't see why OP, who's excited about the pregnancy, and looking forward to the baby who she knows she'll adore, is an arsehole simply because she doesn't want to be called Nan any more than I did.

Would be a stupid choice for her if my kids had to call her by her something else considering the 7 biological and 3 non biological grandkids all call her Nan. The kids are all cousins and have grown up in a loving family who don’t point out they are not actually family as they technically are not related

Clearly some people cannot distinguish their own experiences from other people's. OP I am sorry some people have said some really very nasty and unpleasant things. How sad that they come and do this thinking it is relevant to you.

I really hope all will go well.

Well I have always been known as my name rather than some variation of Mummy, to my own daughter, so I certainly don't think it's unreasonable for a step-grandmother to want to be called their own name, rather than a title (especially one that isn't quite accurate).

Presumably it's not that you find the title or role offensive, or that you don't love your step-daughter (or the baby when it's born), it just doesn't fit your identity within the family. It shouldn't make any difference to your relationship with them, if your partner doesn't make it an issue, and supports you in whatever you want to be known as.

Thanks everyone, this is the most replies I've ever had!!

It's interesting to read the different opinions but as usual AIBU lived up to its reputation and a lot of you couldn't read my follow up posts or contain yourselves with the vile name calling but I have a thick skin so I'll sleep ok tonight.

Everyone that answered without the verbal abuse whether you said I was unreasonable or not thank you! I'll still read but won't post anymore, I'll just carry on being a vile, nasty, vindictive, jealous, vain, arsehole 🤣 or not!

@Notanan your DH needs to discover what your SD wants rather than inflicted his opinions. If SD does want to call you Nan perhaps then you need to think about it. To
Me you can still love the child without being called Nan. My step parents manage it perfectly well

(they don't even know they are doing it maybe! Rise above). Goodnight.

But what if your children never have any children ? This is what happened to my husband - his adult children never had any kids so he isn't anyone's grandfather . So wanting grandparenthood to be "special" as you mention in your OP, it might never happen at all. And if you reject the idea of your SD's children being your grandchildren, you'll end up with none.

In your shoes I think I'd accept whatever little people came into my life and embrace being a "Nan". It's a privilege denied to many.

It really is true that Step mums cannot get it right on MN isnt it? If the OP had come on here saying "I really want to be called Grandma by my SDD's child, AIBU" she would have been torn apart!

Exactly my thoughts! I didn't really believe the anti-stepmum idea, but this thread shows it so starkly.

I suspect the DH in this situation isn't dealing too well with the idea of being a grandad, i.e. "old", so if he can insist that his wife is also a grandparent he won't feel so bad/seem so old.

You keep talking like everyone is suddenly going to call you by this name. They won’t, it’ll only be a small child calling you this when they’re old enough. Everyone else in the world will still use your normal name and your children will still call you mum.
It doesn’t define you. It seems there is potentially more to lose by digging your heels in than there is to gain.

sounds like your vanity has caused real hurt Get over yourself apologise and stop making what should be a lovely time for everyone all about you !

My kids call my step mum by her name because she’s a fucking bitch and I hate her. My step dad however is grandad as we love him.
If you have a good relationship with SD I don’t see why you wouldn’t take the roll as nan.

Blimey what a pile-on. I'm beginning to see this nastiness on MN everyone's always going on about.

I'd feel the same as you OP. Not my grandchild.

The more you react to the wind-ups the more they'll do it though!

What is this ridiculous word "Nan"? The word is grandmother/Granny. How did the other come about? If you listen to HM's grandchildren talking about her they always say Granny.

I think your DH has acted like an insensitive twat, possibly forgivable due to the excitement. My Aunty was a nan at 39. Her youngest was 14. That was a hard enough adjustment. I'm a decade older then you, my best friend is Grandma and we both adore the wee one, but it's a shock to the system for sure!

Having said that though, it might upset your SD that you don't consider yourself a Nan to her DC, you've been in her life since she was 10, I'm surprised you don't feel more maternal towards her and her DC.

You could do some real damage here, if you 'other' yourself.

Your just awful OP, your DH is right.

I think you need to talk to SD about it.

I also think you should be called the same thing by all the potential future grandchildren, step or not.

What if your children never have children and this little baby is the only grandchild produced. Will you regret it in 20 years time if no one ever calls you nanny?