To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

My DH's parents are divorced and both remarried. They are all grandparents to our baby, they wouldn't have assumed their titles but we did, they are our DD's grandparents and that's that. The more people who love our baby, the better really. I don't understand why you think you're too young at 40 anyway, my DM had me at 20 and if I'd had a baby at 20 she'd have been a nan at 40. Goodness, she could have been a nan in her 30s if I was that way inclined! As it is she's 47 and loves being a nanny. I find it totally bizarre what you're saying and I think your husband has every right to be upset!

im with you op-hasnt happened yet but i dont want to be nan to my stepchildren-i prob wont say anything but i wont really be their nan

I never knew one of my grandparents as they died when my Dad was a child. His father re-married and as far as I was concerned, she was my grandmother. My parents divorced and both re-married, when I was a child. My step dad was amazing. He took us on and we were treated as equals to his own DCs. When my children were born, there was no question of him not being grandad or my dad's wife not being nan. As far as my dcs were concerned they were lucky enough to have a couple of extra grandparents. Imo, choosing not to have a grandparent name, does make it look as though you are distancing yourself from your DH's family.

Plenty of "biological grandmothers" don't want to be called "Nan", either. YANBU to want to be called something that's not "grandmotherly" by this child. As long as you express happiness about the news and don't begrudge your husband his excitement, that's the main thing.

I'd tell him you don't want to be called "Nan", "Granny", whatever other names you don't like, but of course you're looking forward to having a special relationship with his first grandchild-- and even more to seeing him enjoy this experience. (You do, right? If not, I can see how he might be hurt or annoyed with you.)

Obviously this isn't going to be the same for you as it is for him, and he shouldn't expect you to feel quite as emotional about his first grandchild as you would for your own. So long as you make his family feel welcome and treat them with love (for your husband's sake, if nothing else), you're doing your duty.

Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised and find that you do develop a "grandmotherly" relationship with this child, after all.

[quote LemonadeAndDaisyChains]@Miljea

Note how the OP's initial annoyance at her husband's goadiness in referring to her in a term she was not comfortable with, resulted in replies using words like 'nasty, vile, deeply unpleasant' being levelled at her, on a website that's core value is 'support'

Oh, pffft! Her "husband's goadiness" is not what people's taking umbrage with, this is more to do with it
He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies
If OP doesn't see his child as her child, and therefore is not going to be a Nan, Gran, whatever, it's not the name that's really the issue, is it?
It seems more like she doesn't see his children (and therefore grandchildren) as hers which I can see why would be upsetting.
Like if her DH turned round and said the same about her kids, would she think that was fine and OK?
There you go, discussed for you and your fellow year 10 classmates.[/quote]
Lots of step parents don’t see their step children as theirs. It doesn’t mean they don’t care for them.

I’m not sure what you mean in your second last sentence? Her kids ARE her husband’s kids. Or did I miss something?

My children never called their step grandparents by anything other than their names. In fact they call my father by his nickname. At his request. What’s is so wrong with wanting to be referred to by your name?

It really is true that Step mums cannot get it right on MN isnt it? If the OP had come on here saying "I really want to be called Grandma by my SDD's child, AIBU" she would have been torn apart!

OK, fair enough, point taken on board, sounds about right for MN lol as in whatever you put you can't win
I was just going by my point of view, can see why her DH was upset if she'd said she didn't see his child as her child or grandchildren as well.
Been together for over 20 years here and kids are both ours. but if you marry someone, do you not take any kids on as your own?
If I didn't want to be seen as a Mum when we got together (seriously would have freaked at that idea lol) if he had kids then (which he didn't) I'd go for someone with none.
OP said it's not her child, so not her grandchild, I'd find that pretty hurtful tbh.
You come as a package surely

It's not 'a privilege' to be a grandparent, it's a biological fact.

If the OP had come on here saying "I really want to be called Grandma by my SDD's child, AIBU" she would have been torn apart!

Ha! Wouldn't she just! And probably by the exact same posters who've torn into her on this thread.

I had 3 sets of Grandparents as one of my parents parents divorced and both remarried.
We knew that Nanny Pat and Granddad Steve weren't our "real" Grandparents, but loved them anyway. The "Nanny Pat" and "Granddad Steve' titles were respectful ones- our parents didn't want us calling family adults by first name without a title like "Aunt" or something in front of it.

Anyway, it's obviously up to OP and her family what her stepdaughters kids call her and how their relationship is.

I do think it's different if the stepdaughter was older when OP met her husband. My parent grew up with two sets of parents, and called both his bio and stepparents "Mum" and "Dad" to their faces.

Let's try again shall we!

It's not 'a privilege' to be a grandparent, it's a biological fact.

This is an awful attitude.

My DC have non biological grandparents & they are no less important than the biological ones. In fact my stepfather was their favourite grandparent until he passed away & both him & my DC would be extremely upset if anyone tried to suggest he was not their grandfather due to biology.

He wasn't biologically my father either but he was my dad.

OP said it's not her child, so not her grandchild, I'd find that pretty hurtful tbh. You come as a package surely

A package which excludes the step children's mother? The children are not her children unless she adopted them, they are her step children, its a different relationship. They still have a mother who will be the child's grandmother

She will be an extra adult to love the child but she should still be able to choose the title or name used to address her.

Been together for over 20 years here and kids are both ours

And?

I think you are being very unreasonable, if you are with someone who has children you treat them as your own and if that includes being called nanny so be it. You should class it as a privilege but you seem to be more worried about the fact you are only 40.
You are loved and included by your step children that's a good thing for you, your children and the whole family. X

My advice would be to sort this before the birth. My FIL remarried a younger woman and they had children - 30 year age gap between FILs children so inevitably when me and DH had children, the step mother and Fils children were still young. It became clear SM was not comfortable being called nan but there had been no open conversation which led to awkward moments from in person to Christmas cards, are we writing to grandad and grandma or grandad and SM name.
On the other hand DH stepfather threw himself into the role of grandad and the relationship our DC have with him and MIL is lovely. I'm very happy that he felt like it was great honour to be grandad.
My opinion is if you are planning on playing an active role in the child's life if that child is brought up calling you nanny then just go with it. Yes you're young but it comes with the territory of marrying a man who already has family number one.

I find this quite sad. You married into the family so it kind of comes hand in hand. I don't get why it's such an issue. It seems like you're making an issue when there isn't one. Almost like you want to divide the family... odd.

I did giggle at this though
DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).
52 isn't going to be a grandfather. My dad was 34 when he became a grandad.

Oops clearly tired. Was meant to read isn't too young to be a grandfather.
I'll also add my sister who made my dad a grandad isn't his child and he had no issues being called grandad

Been together for over 20 years here and kids are both ours And?

"And" being I was just adding in some context that I don't have step parent experience - but I know it sounds pretty bloody hurtful if your partner said your child wasn't theirs and therefore grandchild won't be either.
As in if you get with someone, surely their child comes as part of them?
Not "it's not my child"

Also how would you feel if his daughters said your children weren't their sisters because you are not their mum, I'm sure you'd be upset. X

Totally made it all about you. Get over yourself

Is SD saying you have to be Nan?

She might change her mind when the baby is born or her own mother is permitted to have an opinion.

Wow, don't know why you are getting so much hate. On the assumption that you didn't meet your husband until the step daughter was a teenager, then I absolutely don't think you are 'nanny' automatically. Different if you'd been there since she was a young child... I think this decision is between you and SD. Unless she asks you if you will be 'nanny' then that role shouldn't be assumed. It would be shitty of you to refuse if SD had directly asked you if you would mind being 'nanny', but it sounds like she hasn't, that she already has a maternal and a paternal grandmother?

I don’t get the fuss at all and think it’s fine not to be ‘Nan’. They already have a mum. You could be auntie instead, or just your name.

@copperoliver

Also how would you feel if his daughters said your children weren't their sisters because you are not their mum, I'm sure you'd be upset. X

But they are her half-sisters, so why would she say that?

@copperoliver I think you are being very unreasonable, if you are with someone who has children you treat them as your own and if that includes being called nanny so be it. You should class it as a privilege but you seem to be more worried about the fact you are only 40.

Why so be it? Just because I married a man with children why do I have to have a name foisted on me that I don't want? Why don't I get to choose or have an opinion?

Also I haven't once said this is about my age, I said I'm not even in the "grandparent zone" yet because my two are so young but I've never said I don't want to be called Nan because I'm only 40.

Also she does call my two her half Sisters, if you were to ask her she would say she has 2 brothers and 2 half Sisters.