To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

saraclara I entirely agree- this thread has become insane.

It is almost Trump-esque, rather 'down the rabbit hole'. If one wasn't clever and educated, you might even doubt yourself!

How can so many people have failed to read the OP and her replies?

How can so many have such low cognitive and analytical ability to go off on such wild trains of misdirection? This thread is almost worthy of a GCSE Eng Lang exercise! And I am not joking.

Here, Y10. Here is a MN thread. Spot where the narrative swerved. The self-appointing of the meaning of familial terminology. The anger directed at a poster who didn't follow an acceptable narrative. (Ask yourself, whose narrative?). Note how the OP's initial annoyance at her husband's goadiness in referring to her in a term she was not comfortable with, resulted in replies using words like 'nasty, vile, deeply unpleasant' being levelled at her, on a website that's core value is 'support'. Notice how otger other 'unacceptable traits' are attributed to the poster, without any basis in fact. On a site largely populated by women, as an aside. Consider issues like some posters' own lived experience in influencing their own certainties and blinding them to others experience.

Discuss.

Its the way you phrased it.You made it sound like it was the worse thing ever.

Plus you have known the sd a long time.Not like you married their father yesterday.

You have been through so much with them,is this the hill you want to die on.

At 39 I was a grandmother; I've never been coy about my age - but I did not want to be nan or granny. I wanted my full title - grandmother, not any diminutive.
"Nan, nan,what big eyes you have!" - you won't hear this.
My grandchildren managed it just fine. Now they're a bit older they call me by my name.

Just ask to be called Lovey like Kris Jenner is. Problem solved

I feel v sorry for your DH and his kids. You are his wife. To a baby or small child, grandad's wife is grandma. That's it.

You're at a different stage to him. You should be more sensitive to where he is. It's actually a privilege to be a grandparent to any child. I don't mean this harshly but really think you need to grow up a bit and be more supportive. This is his daughter's baby we are talking about.

I get where you're coming from. You'll probably have to be more tactful to your husband though.

Who are these numpties taking the piss out of you anyway? Are they your own age? Do you think they are making digs to wind you up?

Gosh I love being a grandparent to my dsc children. We don’t have steps in our family. We have 9dgc between us. 6 from dh side and 3 from mine. They are all very dear to us and all know the relationship and that they are equally loved. The first grand child was born to dss and the last to my dd (11 years ago). I am Grandma to my blood dgc and Grand*** based on my nickname to the rest. It has been my privilege to be their grandparent, all of them.

There is a difference between preferring not to be called 'nan' or any version of it because you are vain enough that it bruises your ego to be called it when you aren't that old verses not wanting to play the role of grandmother to this baby.

The first is fine (if a little shallow) the second is mean and will cause the family to see you differently.

DH's 'stepdad' was about 30 when he got together with MIL, who was about 38, when DH was about 18, and had left home.

They got married when DH was about 28 I guess?

Anyway, he's obviously not any sort of parental figure to DH, but he is 'Grampy' to DD, he's her favourite grandparent.

I've always felt like if someone's married to a grandparent when the baby is born they get an honorary title, the baby isn't going to understand who's blood and who isn't for a while, they only understand who loves them.

'Is the hill you want to die on?'

I've heard this term bandied on here only quite recently, but its use is proliferating!

Dramatic, no?

You could equally well say 'Suck it up'. It means the same thing.

This isn't 'life or death', thus is a person whose DH appears to really want his second wife to 100% buy into his happy families vision, with all the 'correct' nomenclature in place; but the OP has expressed reservations in being called 'Nan' as she feels this title belongs to the blood grandmothers of the child; she is irritated that her DH is goading her with a term she does not want to use; she has already expressed her desire to welcome this child into the family and has readily admitted she will feel like a nan to her, and her DH's mutual DC when the time comes.

I'm not seeing the conflict.

@thegreylady, then there is no difference between you and the OP.

OP is excited about the baby. She knows she's going to adore it. She's going to take the usual grandmother role. The only thing she doesn't want is the name Nan.

But along with the vast majority of people here, you seem to think she doesn't want to BE a grandparent. Which is blatantly not true if you actually read her posts.
As a stepgrandmother who has a slightly different name to the SGC than the one for you blood GC, I'd have thought you'd have understood what OP is saying.

DH sounds a bit of goady twat, if its out of character perhaps he is feeling his age at the news and its his problem to deal with.

If the SD hasn't discussed this with you I'd wait and talk to her about it. She uses your first name and may want to keep the "grandmother" title for her mother.

If you don't like "Nan" then choose something else. Its not a big deal which you choose but its basic manners to ask people which name/title they prefer. My DM had strong preferences about this, wouldn't have occurred to me to impose a title that she didn't like.

That said if you choose a DGM title that won't stop your own first grandchild being special - the name is just a name, neither your DGC or your SDGC care a hoot for the name you choose.

I think it will be very difficult not to fulfil the role of a grandmother once baby arrives without causing animosity within the family & if you do fulfil the role then the name will come with that role - will your DD's be auntie?

With regard to not being called Nan/Granny/Grandma I get that as I don't want to be called any version of grandmother traditionally used when my DC have children as to me they are all ugly sounding words.

Does SD want you to have a grandmother role? I have a friend who refuses to allow her dads wife to be called grandma & limits her relationship with the DC as she doesn't want to upset her own mother.

mellow Your arrogance!

My grandad's wife was Aunty x! From my birth! I didn't know or care that she wasn't my blood grandmother. And, ftr, my grandad was called something like Cyril. Not grandad or anything.

They both behaved in a grandparently way to me all through their lives. Like I think the OP will to her step-grandchildren.

It's not 'a privilege' to be a grandparent, it's a biological fact.

I had a granda and granny on my mother's side and a granda and Helen on my Father's side. Never called my step granny granny and even though my granny on my father's side had died when I was 1 and Helen died when I was 12 I never thought of her as anything other than my grandas partner. I guess it was probably my parents decision as to what to call them in the house with and to us, but I never rally thought about it until. Now.

@Frlrlrubert

DH's 'stepdad' was about 30 when he got together with MIL, who was about 38, when DH was about 18, and had left home.

They got married when DH was about 28 I guess?

Anyway, he's obviously not any sort of parental figure to DH, but he is 'Grampy' to DD, he's her favourite grandparent.

I've always felt like if someone's married to a grandparent when the baby is born they get an honorary title, the baby isn't going to understand who's blood and who isn't for a while, they only understand who loves them.

But equally, small children don’t understand what blood relationship a term like Granny or Nan denotes so it makes no difference to them what the person is called, as long as they are given a name to use. Giving an “honorary” title is pointless if you are looking at it from the child’s point of view.

My Grandad remarried after my Dads mum died when he was 5 - she was my grandma

My DH isn't my DS1's dad - his Dad is called grandad ( we met when DS was very little)

Interestingly though DH's dad remarried in his 60's after the death of his wife. Before any grandchildren were born. His wife has always been adamant she didn't want any name, not even "Auntie"

So I suppose it's possibly to do with not bringing up the parent of the new baby

I think that a compromise would be a good idea. It obviously means a lot to your husband so maybe agree to a pet version of your name that only the baby (and future step GC) get to call you. If I was her mother I would be hurt that you took that title for yourself (she wont know its because of your husband) so maybe try to frame it to him in those terms.

FWIW, I would feel the same as you but I can see that it is an unpopular opinion.

Why don't you choose an unusual name for a grandparent.....

Bubba
Nona
Memar

Lots of very lovely names for nan in different languages!

I think you are being unreasonable.
My mum remarried 10 years ago, her husband has always been respectful of my dad, and never wanted to be called grandad, we refer to him as Yorkie, it's a NN,.sometimes grandad Yorkie.

I think that's a very different situation in being respectful to my dad, to not wanting to be a grandparent to my child, like you come across and just not wanting to be a nan.
He's very much a grandparent to my child even tho he isn't biologically related.

I see where you’re coming from, op. My mum would be fuming if my son called my step-mum “nan” 😂. Surely your sd’s mother will feel put off if you start acting like the grandmother of the baby?

@Miljea

Note how the OP's initial annoyance at her husband's goadiness in referring to her in a term she was not comfortable with, resulted in replies using words like 'nasty, vile, deeply unpleasant' being levelled at her, on a website that's core value is 'support'

Oh, pffft! Her "husband's goadiness" is not what people's taking umbrage with, this is more to do with it
He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies
If OP doesn't see his child as her child, and therefore is not going to be a Nan, Gran, whatever, it's not the name that's really the issue, is it?
It seems more like she doesn't see his children (and therefore grandchildren) as hers which I can see why would be upsetting.
Like if her DH turned round and said the same about her kids, would she think that was fine and OK?
There you go, discussed for you and your fellow year 10 classmates.

I don't see how the DH has anything to do with what OP is called. I imagine that closer to the birth, OP's SD will bring up the subject with them both. It's basically down to OP and the baby's parents, surely?

SD is only 10 weeks, and only OP's DH has broached this and knows what OP's preference is.

I kind of see your point, but I dont' think this is the hill to die on, really. It may be weird at first to be called nan (I think it's always weird, but it's not common here, grandma is more usual), but you'll get used to it. And once your kids have kids, there won't be any differentiation between your bio grandchildren and your step grandchildren, which will be nice for them. Which I think is an important consideration.

If OP doesn't see his child as her child, and therefore is not going to be a Nan, Gran, whatever, it's not the name that's really the issue, is it?

But they are not her kids, same as my BF's kids are not mind and mine are not his. Doesnt mean we dont care about them, or that the OP doesnt care about her SC and SGCtobe, but the simple fact is that they are not her children.

It really is true that Step mums cannot get it right on MN isnt it? If the OP had come on here saying "I really want to be called Grandma by my SDD's child, AIBU" she would have been torn apart!

The child will have one maternal grandmother, and that is the step daughters mother, not the OP. That her husband wants to airbrush history and cast her in the role is not relevant to the facts.