To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

Why does it matter what the child calls you? Why are you so against being a "nan"?

My DM was "Nana Katie" (not her real name) to my step sister's 2 kids when she was married to my stepdad and their biological GM was "Nana Liz".
The kids calling my DM Nana didn't make their biological Nana less of a grandparent and she was honoured that the felt close enough to call her that.
Sadly my DM died before my DD was born, so I'm glad that 2 kids got the pleasure of calling her "Nana" and she got to fulfil that role in her life before she died (she was a brilliant Nana!)

Maybe stop biting when your DP calls you "Nan" because he's doing it to tease you as you've reacted so outrageously to it and just wait to see what happens when the baby is here and starts to talk! If your SD is only just pregnant, you've got a while before the baby calls you anything!

Op Yanbu to not want to be called Nan but perhaps the way you've put it across cos dp is annoying you makes you seem more u.

For him all the grand babies and indeed all the babies are equal. Perhaps it's hurt him to have you so insistent to remind him that these babies don't mean as much to you as your hypothetical grandchildren, that you'll love them somewhat but not as much as kids that don't exist yet or possibly ever. Perhaps he thinks you won't want to spend time with them or do the grandparenty things that Grandad will want to do

To shut the future discussion up I'd just point out that dsngd will call you what they will call you and you'll deal with thst when they can talk.

I’m genuinely that people think the OP is mean/horrid/whatever (I’m going by just page 1 there). My stepmum is known by her own name to my children and my siblings children. No one is offended, both she and us are relieved that it’s a non issue and hopefully one day she will get to be a grandma/nan to my half siblings (her kids) children.

I've also just reread the OP and your step daughter hasn't even said that you will be called "nan" it's your DP!
Your stepdaughter might agree with you and be happy for the baby to call you by your first name!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2019/01/04/coronation-street-star-kym-marsh-reveals-unusual-name-shell-instead-grandma-daughter-gives-birth-8310020/amp/

Kim Marsh didn't want it either even and she is the biological grandma.

When I first started reading I thought yabu but honestly now I don't. You have your reasons for not wanting to be called nan/nanny/etc and your reasons should be respected. I don't think it's coming from a nasty place, you simply just want to be known as your name.

This thread is insane.

Nowhere has OP said that she doesn't want to take the grandparent role to the child. She's said she's excited and that she'll love this baby. She just doesn't want to be called Nan.

I did take on his children and I will adore this baby but I don't want to be called Nan or similar

See? Yet people are skimming her post and assuming that she doesn't want to be involved which is about as far removed from what she's said as it's possible to be. This place is full of people who don't want to read what people say, and just come on here to sound off and get angry over something. Anything.

I am a biological Grandma, and I didn't want to be called Nan either! I HATE the term Nan. It sounds awful to me. I'm grandma to the baby at the moment, as a placeholder. But my daughter and I are waiting to see if when she talks, DGD comes up with a nice little nickname for me. That's what I'd like.

Perhaps it's better to focus on supporting your stepdaughter than the impact on your ego.

This.

To be fair I'm 30 and technically old enough to be a grandparent if fate had turned out that way so you're not too young to be a grandparent.

I can get the name thing, although you are coming across as quite precious. When I was pregnant we decided my mum would be nanny and dh mum granny as that's what our maternal grandmothers were called respectively.

But is it just the name really? You are going to be a step grandparent regardless of what you're called, I feel a bit sorry for your dh - whilst annoying to be pestered hes probably just excited.

You do sound removed from your husbands children (do you consider them your step children or just "dh children") And I really hope they haven't picked up on this but I suspect they have.

Filthy, you're new around here, aren't you? You missed 'vile' and 'nasty' out, but I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.

The OP's situation is nuanced (look it up).

We could ask why the DH thinks it's fun to goad his wife with a title she doesn't want, but note, not a role she's rejecting. I know, I know, requires a bit of thought before piling in with your 'deeply unpleasant', and 'dreading to think how you've treated them' as presumably 'evidenced' by her uncomfortableness in being called 'nan'.

....If you were my potential SD I wouldn't marry your dad. You sound vile.....

Doesn't look nice in print, does it? But that's pretty much what you've said about the OP and her (long) relationship with her SD.

@elp30

I became a "Grandma" when I was 41.

When my son told us the news, he asked his stepfather, my husband, whether he preferred to be called, "Granddad (First Name)" or "Grandpa (First Name)".

Interestingly enough, he didn't give his stepmother a choice. She is referred to and by the children by her first name. I think that says a great deal about how he feels about her.

Don't let that happen to you OP.
Compromise and be "Grandma Notanan"

Btw, I just asked my husband if he thought he would be a "real" Grandad once our children have their own babies. He was appalled.
He thinks you are being unreasonable for sure!

Had your son lived with you and your husband though? I imagine that with it being a lot more common for children to live primarily with their Mums after a divorce there must be a lot of instances where the child feels closer to a stepfather they have lived with than a step Mum who they only see when visiting Dad.

You just sound like you’re being mean. Both my parents have new partners and they will both be granny or nan or papa etc and are all very excited. If either one came to me and acted the way you did I wouldn’t let them have any relationship with my child!

My nana lost her first husband in the war and remarried before I was born. He was always Grampy to me. But had he decided to not assume that title I would have known him as Reg and it wouldn't have been odd and I would have loved him just the same.

Your feelings and opinions on your situation cannot be wrong because they are your feelings!
I think your husband is being a bit silly and, perhaps, thinks that you are being disrespectful to his daughter (which you are not.)

@MsSquiz

I've also just reread the OP and your step daughter hasn't even said that you will be called "nan" it's your DP! Your stepdaughter might agree with you and be happy for the baby to call you by your first name!

OP for some reason keeps dodging the question of what the SD and her Mum might think of all this.

My husband always talks about his step grandmother. It's never seemed odd to me.

I would feel the same, OP. Nan/Nanna/Nanny/Gran/Granny would not be for me either, and they won’t be should my children ever have kids of their own. I’ll probably come up with something pretentious of my own design when that day comes.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

@FilthyforFirth wow that's a lot of assumptions you made there! Yes after 15 years suddenly a blended family isn't working for me and those poor children, I only let them out of the cupboard under the stairs once they were old enough to not annoy me anymore 🙄

@Miljea thank you x

My DC do not share my mother's husband's blood. Therefore he is not their grandfather and absolutely is not entitled to be called grandad. End. Of.

I'm adopted, must give my mum and dad a ring tomorrow to share the news they aren't entitled to be called mum and dad after all. Every family is different. There's no need for people to be so black and white about this.

For example, I said that OP is totally within her rights to feel that way about being called nan, but that it sounds like she's gone about saying this in a pretty aggressive and negative way judging by the information she's given and her tone on this thread. It's nuanced, I get that.

But this attitude of there being set 'rules' is so dismissive of other families being different.

Fuck me, I wouldn't want to be known as nan at 40 either! My sister became a step-grandmother at 31 (faints), and she's just her name. Doesn't mean she doesn't adore the babies any less, but who the hell wants to be called nan before they're ready???

There's a shit ton of projection on this thread, calm your tits ffs.

@notanan your DH is excited - share in his joy. Who cares what they eventually call you? Stop being a dick. Nearly all my daughters friends call me mum and nearly every other child I know call me auntie. I'm not either to any of those kids! I don't care! Just be happy your DH is happy and if your SD and new grandchild should call you Nan, consider it a blessing.

This is bonkers. Nowhere has the OP said that she resents this baby. That she’s anything but happy about it. But the age gaps involved mean that she probably doesn’t see her SD as her daughter. That’s not a bad thing; it doesn’t mean they have a bad relationship. It’s just a function of the situation and the ages of the people involved. But it probably also means that she’s unlikely to feel like this child’s grandparent when it’s born. Why is this so wrong? Doesn’t mean she won’t be delighted with the new arrival and be jolly pleased for all involved.

PS - My niece became a grandmother at 34 - too young to be called Nan or Gran so she opted for Mimi!

Works well in our family. Grandson comes to see Grandad & KatieB. He's not confused and is much loved by us all.

My parents separated when I was 15, my dad has remarried and my mum has a new long term partner I had my first child when I was 22 and made it clear to both of them my child would call them by there names as I did if and when they chose to call them gran/granda or whatever else would be their choice.
Both partners love my kids I'm sure not the way they would if it were there own child's children and play the role of grandparent just don't have the title. They both have their own children who will give them grandchildren and i wasn't taking that moment away with mine so I don't think your being unreasonable. I would've been extremely upset if the shoe was on the other foot and their kids had kids first and suddenly started calling my mum and dad granny/grandad so no you are definitely not being unreasonable.

You do you