To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

Absolutely you're being U. When you married your DH you took on his children. If their children now have five grandparents then so be it.

Nokidshere .... but she doesn't need to be a grandparent does she? She can be a role model... a loving member of the family. Why does she have to be a grandparent? When the baby will have 4. She said she is looking forward to the baby, to baby sitting etc... do not understand the hang up with the title 'grandparent

Your choice. My DC call FILs wife by her first name and have never once questioned it. They still have a close relationship with her.

Such nastiness to the OP.

OP, I think you put up with 3 week of teasing from your twat of a husband, who wouldn't give over about it and you snapped.

You consider yourself a young mum and the whole "Nan" title doesn't appeal to you.

I wouldn't like to be called Nan either.

Your SD calls you by your name and has a mother who is alive and well.

By virture of your SD calling you by your name, it is perfectly reasonable for you to think your husband's grandchild will do the same.

Nothing horrible about not getting into a discussion about it and leaving it up to your SD.

This does not mean a new baby won't be exciting and loved.

Your husband is a twat, that's for sure.

People who tease and continue after being asked not to, are bully's.

I would be very pissed off with him causing this upset because he couldn't just shut up.

I think Nan isn't a nice name and I would be in the horrors at being called it.
Even more so at 40.
I would be mortified to be called Granny now and I'm in my mid 50's.

Each to his own.

I sure as hell would be even less pleased to have it foisted on me by someone when it isn't factual correct.

If you don't want to be the DC's 'Nan' then you aren't deserving if the title.

Just be honest. You don't want to be their grandparent. As far as you are concerned you are simply their grandfather's wife.

So long as you accept that he will most likely love and want to be very much involved with his DGC, at timesnto your detriment time wise, what's the issue?
The DGC will presumably have four grandparents who love them, you will hardly be missed after all.

I was thrilled when DSD had her first child and she told me I was 'Nanny Pontious' zi was 42 and it felt like a privilege to me.

In your last post you even said that you would have to respect what your SD’s mother wanted- have you or your husband asked her? Maybe she will come up trumps for you by not wanting you to be Nan anyway? Do you know her well enough to have a quiet word and get her to agree to back you up?

@EnoughAlready2020 So if their Mum kicks up a fuss about me not being a biological grandparent then should I stand my ground and insist or should I bow out gracefully? Why do I not get to choose what I'm called?

I did take on his children and I will adore this baby but I don't want to be called Nan or similar.

I’d be gutted if my DSM said she didn’t want to be Grandma to my DC.

My kids step grandmother is the same. Don't let the above pp beat you up.
She's quite young (ish) too.

Ha! Yep being a stepparent definitely means I have to go along with everything they want unless their Mum doesn't want it to happen and then I must stop immediately. If I wanted to be called Nan and their Mum didn't want me to be then I would have to be called by my own name 🙄 I don't get to have an opinion or to want something!

When you enter into a situation where there is/was already a family dynamic, then yes, this is how it will be. It can't come as surprise. Caveat emptor.

YANBU. As you say, DH's children are not your children and they have their own mum. I think it's fine to just use your name. My DH's mum remarried and I felt very strongly that her new DH should just be called by his name, as I don't consider him to be our DS's grandparent.

@billy1966 Thank you for that post x

@Notanan the best way to sort this out would be to ask your SD what she would like you to be known as and go with what she wants and put your attitude and ego to one side.

Be "grandad's wife, Chloe" (insert own name.)

He/she can call you by your first name, we're not longer in the 1950s

My nan re-married before me and my sisters were born and we called him by his first name - nothing odd really about that! Never an issue.

My step grandma came into my life when I was 9 and her name was simply grandma, to all the grandchild, step and all. I loved her as a grandma and When she died she left all the step and real GC an equal inheritance. My step mum is now step grandma to my kids, she’s just Grandma to all her grandchildren, step or not and they all feel equal to her which I think is really important from a child’s point of ciew. Honestly OP, it’s not a big deal.

To be honest I agree with you to a degree. Some step parents can’t wait to be labelled and really it is the 4 parents of the children that are the grandparents. It’s nice to show an interest and be supportive. My stepfather was a Tosser and he was giving it “grandad this grandad that” I was like “You can go and fuck yourself you cunt”

@Notanan step parents get a hard time on here I've noticed. take no notice of the hand wringers on here. I wouldn't fancy it either. I'd want my nanny title to come to me when my own children have children and not before thanks. Just say aww I'd rather I was just 'name' to the baby.

Op can I ask. If you are so certain that you are right and have acted reasonably. Why post asking for opinions?

If you are set on you decision and feel it is reasonable then asking others opinions is surely only going to frustrate you?

But what is grandma? Could someone link to the job description?

'I'd be gutted if my DSM said she didn't want to be Grandma to my DC'...

What role has the OP rejected? She's already said she's excited about the addition to the family and I believe, made clear what support she will happily supply. She just doesn't see herself as Nan, a term her oafish DH is goading her with, especially seeing as this DC will have 4 actual GPs itself.

What does 'being grandma' even mean?

I think it’s the way you have put it rather than the words you want to use. My granddaughter calls us Grandma and Granddad she calls her other divorced grandparents Nanna and Name (Long established relationship) and Grandad and Name (shorter relationship) my granddaughter seems perfectly fine with it.

You sound deeply unpleasant. Clearly blended families dont work for you. Your poor step children, dread to think how you have treated them since your own have arrived.

If I was your SD I would be doing all I could to keep my baby away from you, so the name thing probably wont matter...

I became a "Grandma" when I was 41.

When my son told us the news, he asked his stepfather, my husband, whether he preferred to be called, "Granddad (First Name)" or "Grandpa (First Name)".

Interestingly enough, he didn't give his stepmother a choice. She is referred to and by the children by her first name. I think that says a great deal about how he feels about her.

Don't let that happen to you OP.
Compromise and be "Grandma Notanan"

Btw, I just asked my husband if he thought he would be a "real" Grandad once our children have their own babies. He was appalled.
He thinks you are being unreasonable for sure!

Totally understandable OP. Stick to your guns