My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

I really wanted to have children - I don't know why, just biology I suppose. It seems odd because I'm a very independent, introverted person who loves time alone and loves work. I did have 2 DC and I agree with your mum that it's hard, the loss of freedom is very difficult, and it's a long slog. I'm now a single working mum and it's a treadmill. I regularly daydream about being able to go on holiday on my own, sleep and read when I want, and all that. I do get some free (short) weekends and overnights when they go to their dad's, but generally spend them catching up with work.

However it would have been a LOT easier if I'd had a supportive partner who was a properly involved dad, and if I'd had extended family to help out, especially if I'd had them nearby. I know people with kids who can go on child-free holidays, have late nights out, work as much as they like etc because they have parents or siblings handy who help and share childcare. I've never had that (horribly dysfunctional family, possibly contributing to me pursuing a dysfunctional relationship) and it makes the world of difference.

90 percent of your happiness if you marry/choose long term partnership will come from your choice of partner.

Having children will simply serve to cement the ramifications of that choice.

Having kids is hands down the best thing I have ever done; and I didn't know I wanted them all that much. I won't bang on but they're wonderful and bring me joy I didn't know was possible. I love being married too. Not everyone feels like your Mum, or like some posters who've perhaps regretted their choices.

Think about what else you could do if you weren't married or had children. You will work, whatever happens (even if in the home). You can have a dazzling career and move round the world with or without a family; you can have a quiet, homely life and a comfortable and non-demanding job, with or without a family. You might be happy any which way, or unhappy ..! One thing is for sure, you are not your Mum and you won't experience things in the same way. To people who talk about children 'stealing your life away', I'd genuinely like to know, what amazing things do they feel they've missed out on? Why can't you do this before or after kids?

Personally I will be advising my daughters to only have children if they can be financially independent of their partner should it all go tits up.

I think it depends what you want from life.

Undoubtedly you can have a much more exciting life without a husband or kids.

I’m not an advocate for getting married, I don’t see the point in it to be honest.

I do have a dd whom I love dearly but my adventures have been curbed by her and I’ve had to stick in at jobs I don’t like, live in places I don’t want to etc for her sake.

When she’s older hopefully we will adventure together.

Your mum is totally right to advise that husband and kids is not the only and isn’t always the best option open to you.

I sometimes think the sacrifices of parenthood are an investment - several direct losses to the individual or parents for several years on some measures (money, time, sanity, health, career, identity, workload) for sometimes intangible but no less important returns of joy, satisfaction, contentment, achieving life goals - if it’s for you.

I hated having babies. I loved them so much I was in a state of constant terror and anxiety and always exhausted. Now they're older I love having children though.

An easy life is a very different thing to a happy life

Agree with HotSince, in that a bad relationship exacerbates the difficulties. I'm a happier mum since separating from ex, and closer to my DC. The stresses, restrictions and mental strain of the situation are not because you don't adore your DC - I hope that's clear from what your mum is saying!

Do you generally have a good relationship with your mum? If so, it sounds like she is saying this out of concern. How old are you?

I wouldn't tell anyone not to have children, but I would explain how exhausting it is and how it impacts your life. I would also tell them how amazing it can be. But it is your decision and can't be made by anyone else.

One thing I'd never do is tell someone who doesn't want kids to have them. It's very hard work and it should always be a personal choice.

Sounds like my mil just before I got married

Some people are bitter if their marriage and children stopped them doing what they wanted to do.

If I knew then what I know now I wouldnt have kids. I didnt know it was possible to love like this and to worry so much and the parental guilt is awful.

I have to agree with this poster.

I wanted a child all my life. I have two now and shake my head in disbelief and pity (yes I know that is going to get slammed) when I read about people saying their life wouldn't be worth living if they didn't have any children blah blah.

I look at my child free sibling and her very worry free and financially secure lifestyle and envy her.

A friend of mine felt similar to your mother and had two children herself. Whenever her siblings saw her children behaving badly, she told them her children were sick/just getting over an illness/very tired and so on. I think she'd have been doing them a huge favour if she had been honest, as your mother has been with you, and told them exactly how difficult it is.

Forgot to say, some people enjoy it much more than others. Some people feel they have made a mistake. Everyone has a different experience.

I would say if you do have children make sure you have a supportive partner who will help share the load. Some PPs have suggested this and it's great advice. Make sure it is shared from the start, before kids.

I think your mum probably has a point but it's worth keeping in mind that these are her opinions based on her experiences and that if you were to have a family, your own experiences might be completely different.

Certainly, the preponderance of academic research suggests that, other things being equal, non-parents are happier, feel more fulfilled, are more satisfied with their relationships, are healthier and more financially secure than parents. Again though, this doesn't necessarily mean that you, as an individual would be happier without children.

You say that you've always liked the idea of having a family which gives me the (possibly inaccurate) impression that you haven't done all that much thinking or research into the idea yourself up until now and that you don't necessarily have very strong feelings about it.

I think it would be a good idea to make a concerted effort to do your own research so that your mother's advice becomes just one point of view to consider. Asking questions here is obviously a good place to start.

I think your mum has done you a service in giving you a counter to the standard narrative that equates having a family and children with living 'happily ever after'. Ultimately though, it's your decision to make.

I agree it’s not necessarily the having dc or not that determines your happiness, but the circumstances and support you get when you do have them. Which - and I sound like a broken record on this - you cannot guarantee in advance.

OMG I would never ‘advise’ my kids to that extent. That’s so prescriptive and controlling. She has put you I. The position of feeling that you have ‘disappointed’ her in some way of you decide to do those things. She is denying you choice in your life!!!

OP get some perspective! Really look at what’s right for you.

When you say you are close, does she control all aspects of your life

I love my boys to bits but I admire people who chose not to have children.
Your life would be easier but it's really how you feel that matters isn't it?
My mum said the same to me but I went ahead and had two of my own. It was hard but they do bring joy and happiness as well as the hard days.

Maybe she thinks that she is looking out for you in some kind of way.
I became a mother very young, and I think that contributed to my poor mental health, because I carry around a lot of guilt about the way things were when she was very young. I wasnt what she needed, although I was doing my best with little understanding of how to care for myself or her, I have tried my hardest to be what she needs, and I'm anxious about not getting it right. And that impacts her too.

Parenthood is not easy

BUT my life would never have had the same meaning if I hadn't have had her. She brightens up my days no end. Shes such a lovely person, and I am proud of her each day.

I've said myself to DD before, dont bloody get married!! Always in a jokey manner, always when DH is acting in a questionable manner.

Better advice would be to marry a man who you were sure was kind, understanding, and had a good understanding of what it is to be a parent and an independent human being in his own right who isnt expecting to be cared for like a child for a happy life.

People are entitled to their own views on whether the cost of something is worth what you gain from it. And they are entitled to express things as they wish.

Well yes of course. Parents could tell their kids that black people are worthless violent dregs of society. I'd like to hope that if anyone's DM said that to them and they posted about it here their DM would be rightly ripped to shreds.

Balance. That's all. That's reasonable. And no of course I don't think people raising kids in very difficult circumstances only have themselves to blame I'm just pointing out it's an odd view to take to assume that your kids' (well daughters', let's be honest) circumstances will be so poor as to render her experience of parenting awful. Who assumes that about their kids' lives?

I've had opposite versions of this message. My DM was not a happy mother to me and my siblings, she was nearly always angry and annoyed at us and never wanted to interact with us. Based on my experience during childhood I didn't want to have children for a very long time, I honestly couldn't understand why people did, it seemed such a stressful and joyless thing to do from my perspective. Yet as an adult, my DM has been desperate for me to give her grandchildren, it's completely bizarre. She clearly disliked motherhood herself and our relationship is very strained not surprisingly, but she really wants me to pop out a baby for her.

My MIL on the other hand was a wonderful mum to my DH and his siblings, he had an amazing childhood that I'm envious of and a close relationship with his parents. Yet my MIL has told me in clear terms on several occasions not to ''worry' or ''bother'' with having children. It's not just me, she gave the same message to her daughter (SIL) as well and was initially disappointed when my SIL got pregnant. She loves her children very much and it's a little hurtful in some ways that she is so keen on them not to have children, it definitely suggests some regret about having children herself.

At the end of the day, try to tune out what your DM is saying, it's completely about her and her choices and experiences, your experience of everything in life can be very different to your parents.

I think even women who regret having dc should never tell them that. It’s one thing to explain the challenges of motherhood, but very hurtful to know you’re a regret.

Your mom’s giving you an honest opinion. I’ve heard many people say that although they wouldn’t be without their kids, if they had their time again they wouldn’t have them.

I took one look at my siblings & thought my poor, poor, parents, no way do I ever want to put up with that load of old shit. Plus I didn’t want another one if me running around.

Well yes of course. Parents could tell their kids that black people are worthless violent dregs of society

You jumped the shark there. That is so obviously an absurd thing to say that has absolutely no bearing on what we are discussing in anyway. And if you debate like this you really aren't worth the time or effort.

I think you do what is right for you not what was wrong for your mother. Her experience was unhappy but that is her not you. My SIL was told the same by her mother and has the happiest marriage and a wonderful relationship with her boys, their wives and their children. They are a wonderful family.

Everything comes down to your personality, your viewpoints, the person you marry and how you feel and experience parenting your children.

Your mother is entitled to feel whatever she feels about her marriage and her opinion of being a parent. That shouldn’t and really mustn’t be allowed to affect your choices.