My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

is she just looking out for me
no she's looking out for her, she wants to make sure you're available to care for her, fetch and carry, be her servant when she's old

Hi OP

I always agree with this poster

If I knew then what I know now I wouldnt have kids. I didnt know it was possible to love like this and to worry so much and the parental guilt is awful

Until you have children, you’ve never known love like it. You would die for them in an instant. If someone is mean to them you feel rage and you want that person punished, because parental instinct is so powerful. It’s almost fright how much you love them.

So whilst it’s incredible that you feel this absolute love for them, that comes at a prices. I’m not talking about the physical hard work of bringing up children but the emotional element as well. If they’re not happy, getting bullied etc it crushes you and it hurts so much to see them suffer. Their pain is your pain. It breaks your heart if they’re having a difficult time etc....

So it’s the best thing in the word but equally the hardest. I’d never ever want to live a life without my children, but that’s because I know how life is with them and the love I have for them is so strong-but if I didn’t know what that love felt like, then after listening to other people’s experiences perhaps would consider whether to go down that route and save myself the emotional rollercoaster that comes with so much love.

For example my DP wants to try for a baby with me as I have two with someone else. Whilst I want him to experience that love I also think if it doesn’t happen, yes he’s lost out on an amazing experience and it’s sad he’ll not get the chance to love someone so much but........ he won’t have to deal with the pain it causes. So he won’t have the guilt, the stress of worrying about them and not being able to switch off from it. He can just do as he pleases etc without worrying about anyone.

There is an element of truth in what she says - a happy marriage requires a serious commitment of time and energy that can be hard to maintain when babies arrive.

Alittlelower I think titchy was giving an extreme example to point out that it's not OK to tell your kids whatever you like. Giving an extreme example is a way of making that clear. Perfectly normal way of making a point.

We can't be sure if any particular mum who says this to her DD has ulterior motives like wanting to keep the DD's attention for herself, wanting to avoid grandparental childcare etc - or genuinely just wants her DD to know it's not the be-all and end-all and not to automatically go down that route.

I agree it could be hurtful depending on how it's said. I tell my DC they should be aware it's not something they have to do, only if they are sure its what they want, and it's not a failing not to.

Yes, I can sympathise with your mum and understand her sentiments. I think if you can gaze into a crystal ball and know all will be okay then crack on, otherwise think very hard. Most of mine have SN and it’s not even dealing with all of that it’s also dealing with the effect other siblings SN have on the other kids even if they have SN themselves. I’ve been in a better position than most to deal with my kids but if i knew them what I know now......

Also, the reality for many families is that their kids will never be in a position to leave home so it’s relentless for life.

I will always remember growing up with a neighbour who had an adult son with refractory schizophrenia. Even back then, decades ago, once the son recovered from an episode the mental health hospital would release him, give him money for public transport and he would come back to his poor dad in his 90’s. Until the next time he went off, police were called, the father was taken by ambulance to hospital after being bashed senseless and the son carted off to the mental health hospital in the police car. Rinse and repeat. After not seeing the dad for a week an some adults knocked on the door but no answer so police were called. After another week again they took the situation seriously. Poor guy had been dead in bed for a fortnight. Son went off soon after, running around street with a knife, taken away and never seen again.

As a child you think this is all one off stuff that would never happen to you but after becoming an adult, having your own experiences and knowing a decent quantity of people who suffer through things with kids it gives a different perspective. I’d definitely tell anyone considering to think bloody long and hard.

You need to get some life experience and maturity, thereby working out who you are and what you want. Then think about the pros and cons of different courses of action and make your decisions.

You could ask your mum why she gave you that advice. Mentally file her answer until you're at the decision-making stage. Then you'll have a good idea of whether your circumstances, preferences and personality and hers, are similar.

Whether you have time to do this, or have spent too long under her wing now, depends on how old you are. If you're 22 there's plenty of time. If 32, you have a lot to do fast and one would have to wonder why you've allowed your life, your character and your choices to be subsumed beneath your mother's for so long.

Also, getting married to the wrong one will make having children more difficult. If he’s a good husband and will do his fair share etc then that’s much more positive than someone who won’t.

Also the support network around you will make things easier or not depending

As ever it turns into competitive one up manship.

You can never feel a love as strong as the love for a child...well I call bullshit on that.

What amazing things are childless people do? Its no more amazing than what you do having a child.

It's different experiences.

There is more to life than just being born getting married and having kids. It's not the only path for women.

And there is so much talk of men not stepping up, how many generations is it going to take for all these parents here saying men dont do enough, if you have a son why is your son turning out to be a partner who doesnt contribute equally.

If you want the experience of giving life good for you but that doesnt make he life of someone who decides they dont want that experience any less of value.

There is so much to experience in the world, just make it what you want it to be and not tied into societal norms because thays what someone somewhere decided is how a typical life should be led.

My advice would be to marry a woman like I did - it gets rid of the gender roles and politics immediately, and everything is much more equal in terms of bringing up children...

And don't expect any help with childcare from your mum.

You might want to turn this around and ask her how she'd respond if you did have children. Will she accept your choice and offer cheerful support - either in words or deeds? Or will it be one long 'I told you so' every time you mention anything imperfect? If the latter, does she understand that you might well end up living nearer your partner's family, if they turn out to be more supportive and interested?

@JoysOfString Alittlelower I think titchy was giving an extreme example to point out that it's not OK to tell your kids whatever you like

That's exactly why it was irrelevant. I was not talking about telling your kids whatever you like on any topic. I was talking about women being able to talk to their own experiences and forming their own opinions based on their own experiences without being told they should not do this.

So Titchy was not taking an extreme example (of people being able to talk about their own experiences) to make a point within the context of what we were talking about,. She was talking about something utterly different (people having opinions on topics that are not their own life). It was an irrelevant and somewhat stupid and offensive thing to say.

I kinda hope my kids will find their own way on life without too much interference from me

She's right.

You can never feel a love as strong as the love for a child...well I call bullshit on that

I’m pretty sure most parents would disagree with that statement

@alittlelower you sound like a very angry person and have been posting very aggressive posts. You claim that everyone can have opinions yet are shouting down other peoples views. You have also completely missed the point that op was talking about her own mum advising her that having children is a mistake and not worth the hard work. What message does that give to op, what about op's sense of self worth, her mum is saying it is better not to have children, to her own child!!!

I love being married. My husband and I are best friends and each and every day is filled with fun and adventures. We laugh constantly and have the best life together.

There is absolutely no way either of us would subject ourselves to raising kids. Our life is entirely our own, we wouldn’t sacrifice that for anything. I think you should listen very, very carefully to your Mum. More women need to be honest about the realities of raising children, it would save many others from a life of drudgery and regret.

@lynsey91 this is so sad to hear. I have never met anyone who says they regret having their children and I know a lot of people, for you to say you know a lot of people who regret this I am lost for words. The grass isn't always greener and children should only be brought into the world when they are really truly wanted. Once that decision is made and you have the life of another person in your hands, to then say you regret having them is a shockingly selfish outlook and a truly sad for the child/children. I think people in this position who are obviously not content need to look to themselves to find happiness not blame their children for their life.

@FurbabyLife drudgery and regret children bring joy and laughter. Yes you shouldn't have them if it's not for you but how can you say children bring drudgery and regret. As I have posted above, people who blame others including their children for their life should look to themselves, we all make our own happiness and people who blame their children are likely to be unhappy whatever their life choices.

@scubadive I am not apologetic for saying that women are entitled to talk about their experiences in the way they choose. Nor am I apologetic for telling someone who brings in white supremecy to argue against me, that they are not worth engaging with.

My Mum advised us as I was growing up, not to get married or have children!. She also always said she'd be a millionaire if she hadn't had us! She was married to my Dad until he died 5 years ago. they seemed happy! I did get married in my 20's but on my wedding day she told me I didn't need to get married if I didn't want, I could call it off! I did get married. We had our children in our mid-30's. We waited a long time as I didn't think I ever wanted children and neither did my husband. We changed our minds after 15 years of being married. I think that may have been her influence, but we were both studying qualifications which took a long time to complete and we wanted to focus on that. I am in my late 40's happily married with 3 children. My brother resented her saying this to us very much. He is married with two grown-up children. I think he took it personally! My other brother has recently (in his 50's) got engaged for the first time. He doesn't have children, but has always been very good with his nieces and nephews.
You should do what you think is right for you. Children are a worry and stress, but if I didn't have them to worry about, I'm sure I'd worry about something else just as much. For me, there is only so much worrying about anything you can do, and having children puts other things into perspective. it's also nice to share your life with a partner.

Just thought I'd write a reply to say I haven't disappeared, this thread is really helpful and I'm just going through all posts.
I'm 26 for anyone who was asking.

@scubadive Once that decision is made and you have the life of another person in your hands, to then say you regret having them is a shockingly selfish outlook and a truly sad for the child/children

Regretting having children is not in any way selfish. It’s also incredibly common (I think you must live on your own planet to think otherwise). What is selfish is invalidating people’s feelings on this topic with your own ignorant and narrow-minded opinion.

Regretting having children is not in any way selfish. It’s also incredibly common (I think you must live on your own planet to think otherwise).

I don't think it's common to regret children.

I do know a very few mothers who have quitely said they do few more I think may do but vast majority I think get a huge enjoyment out from their kids - though that may wax and wane depening on ages and circustances.

I wouldn't tell people to have kids any more than I would tell them not to as it's an idivudal decision base on that persons life.

The whole my god it's endless misery and thanklessness isn't one I recognise - though I'm sure it exists for some.

Marrying DH, having the kids and getting cats were all things my family weren't sure were good ideas but were the absolute best things I've ever done.

The other things is... there's no take backs if you find out you aren't cut out for parenthood. I think that should be strongly pointed out more often. It seems obvious but most people use platitudes and say 'no child is ever regretted' but that is categorically untrue and you can visit the Stately Homes threads if you don't believe it. But the more we say this sort of crap the more likely women will be stuck, and it is women who get stuck.