My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

Until society changes radically it’s simply true that women are often left carrying g everything. And I for one wouldn’t have had dc if I’d know he’d leave us.

Well, pick who you have kids with really, really carefully as you will have them in your life till your kids are grown and your kids will have them in their lives forever, and will be formed in part by them. And maintain your independence, your own career and income. Women are way more likely to be adversely affected by a relationship end than men if they have children. Much more likely to end up in poverty.

Everything your mum said is true, it won't be an easy life, they are stressful, you will have much less time for yourself. It depends if you think that is a price worth paying for what you will gain.

I love my kids, I enjoy the time I spend with them. But if I could go back I would not have had them. My life has collapsed,for reasons not caused by them but related to having them, and it is pretty much impossible to rebuild with small children. I've make enormous sacrifices for my children and will continue to do so as I have a responsibility to them now they are here. But having them has trapped me in a life I hate and I don't see a way out.

I heard someone on the radio say that her mother (single mother) would sometimes shower them with love when they were children and other times tell them that they were her ball and chain. That is a terrible thing to say to a child, but I know exactly what her mother means.

If my life had stayed in a steady comfortable place, I would probably feel differently. But it didn't, and that is so much harder if you have kids you are responsible for.

Woah @Splattherat you are a superstar. Managing on paracetamol. I was 3cm dilated and begging for the gas and air. I have long labours too. I'm pregnant with 5th and hoping it will be quicker than last baby who was a 32 hour labour from beginning of contractions to end

Considering teaching kids the right way to behave falls down to parents.....what does that dau about the majority of parents if they are raising children fhat go on to still perpetuate inequality between men and women

Also back to my point about childbirth why do we do this to other women, not telling them way before having a child what it is really.life so they are as prepared as possible mentally for what is to come. It seems so daft and bit to late to start those chats after someone is pregnant.

We have no context in how op mum told her was it ina broader conversation, os that the exact words she said....

I don't agree with her about marriage. I have been married 40 years and am very happy and still very much in love with my DH. We are best friends as well as husband and wife and love spending time with each other.

I do tend to agree about children though. So many of my friends say if they could go back in time they would not have any although they love their children. They are also one of the biggest causes of marriage breakdown

@PollyPelargonium52

"Most men aren't that helpful when it comes to childraising. At best 1 in 3 husbands/partners pitch in with some extra help. We are left to do 90 per cent minimum at the best of times and you have to steer men around to get them to do the help we need as they just don't see the work (with a few exceptions)."

What utter bullshit. You've just plucked figures out of thin air there 90% minimum? You want to raise your standards before having children with shit men

Yes I agree the marriage but is fine, I loved being married. Unlike having dc it’s get-out-of-able

Become a cat lady and die alone?

Ah, we all die alone. And there is no guarantee that your children won't hate you!

Things I did when I was a cat lady:

Went around the world twice
Bought a flat and did it up
Bought a house and did it up
Lived in Australia for 2 years
Lived in a ski resort in France for 2 years
Lived in the Alps in Austria for a year
Worked really fucking hard and made a lot of money
Jacked in that job and retrained in a new career
Went on lots of lovely weekends away with my friends
Holidayed with my parents and spent proper time with them
Spoilt the hell out of my nephews
Went sailing a lot
Played tennis a lot
Was super fit and went to the gym every day
Drank a lot of cocktails
Had some amazing sex/affairs/longer term relationships/whatevers with appropriate and inappropriate men
Had a cat

"It is worth considering that for every mother that was honest about the level of exhaustion and responsibility attached to motherhood/marriage, there were many mothers that said absolutely nothing about it and that to me that is negligence.

Yeah I agree with this."

And I absolutely disagree. It's not "exhausting" ffs. Why is everyone so drained all of the time these days?

My mother used to say the same to me. This was because her own marriage broke down and she felt she was left to look after the house, bills kids herself. She told us many times that she regretted having us and if she had no kids she could have just walked away. Im the oldest so I had to get my two younger sisters up and ready for school, make lunches, make dinner, clean house and do homework because my mam went back to work. I was 12 at the time. She has never recognised what I did and still goes on about how much she did to keep a roof over our heads. She is still very bitter. I met my DH when I was 18 and for years I always said I didn't want to get married or have children. My mother was still saying, just live with him, don't marry him. Needless to say I ignored her. I'm with my hubby 21 years, married 13 and have three great kids. I'm glad I didn't listen to her. You have to make your own life choices. Whenever my sister and hubby have an argument, my mother is right there saying, I think you should split up. I think it's jealousy too. She doesn't want to ve the only one with a failed marriage.

I have a partner and children who I absolutely love and adore, and who bring me enormous pleasure. But if I didn’t have them, I feel certain I’d have a fabulously happy and fulfilling life. My mother never had any expectations of what I would do in my life (or if she did, she kept them to herself). You must do what you want to. Your mother is only one woman. Her thoughts are valid, but they have absolutely no relevance to you. It’s a bit like saying she doesn’t like trifle, so you should never try it.

As someone who has chosen to be single and childfree, it's really unpleasant to see some of the language used about my way of life on this thread.

As well as 'cat lady' someone said that it was 'dull and meaningless' not having a partner. Different strokes. I'd never say that to my friends with kids or husbands.

I have a lovely and yes, very easy life with loads of freedom. Being locked down alone has let me see that I absolutely made the right choice although I'm hugely sociable so can't wait to see friends and parents again.

Please try to see that my life is no less meaningful than yours, it's just different.

I have to say, on trickier days, I do think there’s a lot to be said for remaining single and child-free. Being entirely your own boss and accountable to absolutely no-one.

But I know I’d be the sort to see families laughing together and feel desperately sad that I’d missed out on that. Maybe happy families could wear signs around their necks saying “it’s not always like this, a lot of the time we hate each other!”

She is trying to stop you making her mistake over again. But you are not her. You have your own personality, own choices and own path to follow.

I think life is easier without children but I wouldn't trade DS. He brings a lot of joy and fun and so far only small worries. I believe the phrase it takes a community to raise a child is true. Two happy parents is great for most but family and close friends can also provide love & role models.

But I know I’d be the sort to see families laughing together and feel desperately sad that I’d missed out on that. Maybe happy families could wear signs around their necks saying “it’s not always like this, a lot of the time we hate each other!”

100% the right advice for me and, I suspect, a lot more people than would admit in real life (because it's so taboo).

But I think people need to figure out for themselves whether they would be happier single, partnered, childfree, or with children. I'm so glad it only took me until mid-20s and not after I'd already got married and had children just because it's the "normal" path.

That's what I'd be teaching children if I had any: that there isn't just one life path of school, get a job, get a partner, have children.

There's lots of things that are easy about being single for your whole life. There's also a lot of things that are very hard.

Whatever your mother's experiences of marriage and parenting, those won't necessarily be yours, OP. She's projecting, and she may well be doing it because she wants to protect you from some of the things she's struggled with. But she doesn't get to make that choice for you.

@scubadive having children is not the most meaningful thing you can do in life. You may think that but many do not.

You say "ask any parent". Well I know many parents who say although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Lots of my friends say having children resulted in their marriage breaking down. Also quite a few have children that have given them endless grief and heartache. Grown up children still giving grief and, often, grandchildren too

Or a sign around their necks saying We’re happy today but it could fall apart at any time

To anyone whose dm told them they were unwanted: that was deeply nasty if not abusive. You deserve to be here as much as everyone

And I absolutely disagree. It's not "exhausting" ffs

It was exhausting for us with very young kids little support and several big changes and house moves but personally I wouldn't say it was a reason not to have them.

I have two teens and a tweenager and 90% of the time they are absolutely great to be around.

My parents go on how hard teenagers are - but I can't see what I did to make it so hard - one sibling did go off the rails but in later teen years 17+ and the rest of us were extremely well behaved.

I do wonder if it was less us and more their parents who were needing an ever increasing amout of help and juggling work and then us in as well and it being more socailly acceptable to blame teens.

Wow. What a sad thread. All these MNers advising their children not to have children of their own. Am I the only one that finds this unbelievably sad.

FWIW having children was the one single best thing I have ever ever done with my life. I'm happily married, successful career, nice house, travelled, secure future etc etc. I'd still forego any of that to have my children.

Advising your dc to partner up with someone who does their share of 'wife work' fine - but that's about ensuring your children know their worth. Advising you not to have children, or do anything because it's hard - not fine. Not fine at all.

In some ways I think she is right, I love my husband and kids BUT no one really prepared me for how hard it would be really. I got married and had kids because that seemed the natural way of things I think if I had really thought through what i wanted in life I may have done things quite differently.

I dread to think what smug crap I’d have written on a thread like this years ago. Nowadays I advise young women to look carefully at the statistics and please don’t believe that “it won’t happen to me”

It also depends on your personality. I often hear people say how they love busy houses full of noise and chaos...that's my worst nightmare to be honest.

My mum was always very honest with me about kids. She didn't advise me not to have them, but she was open about how hard she'd found it, and how she wished she'd done things differently and not been a SAHM. We have an amazing relationship though, and I know she's glad to have us as adults.

Despite this, I went ahead and had a DD. It's just as hard and tedious as she warned me, and if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't have made the same choice. I'm hoping that when she's an adult I'll feel differently, but it's hard to know whether it's truly worth the sacrifice.