My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

However, my mum has told me she doesn't want grandchildren
Really??
It's not up to her though, is she saying she wont acknowledge any who do come along?
Maybe just smile and nod but ignore her
maybe drop the smile and nod

@doubletrouble99

Great to hear that you adopted, that is so kind. I have always thought of that too, if I decided to have kids and couldn't have one naturally

@brainsurgeon
*In this day and age, a woman needs to decide for herself and be prepared to raise a child independently.
The institution of marriage will eventually become obsolete as a smaller and smaller number of couples stay together every year.
This is perhaps one of the things that made OP’s mother give that advice...

I hope OP will make her own decision based on her instincts bearing in mind that it’s always good to be as independent as possible so you can take care of your child/children whatever the weather*

Before posting here, I didn't even think that before having a child, I would have to be prepared to be independent, a single mother. My DP is great but MN has made me see that men can just walk away. It's given me another factor to consider.

I guess every one speaks from their own experience. I adore my kids but I certainly wouldn't have got married if I'd known my husband better. We met and were married within 10 months. Big mistake! We should have just dated for a couple of years and then I would have got to know him properly. To be honest I think it's a very good idea to live together for a for a good while but back in my day (early 70's) few couples did that. It soon became apparent that I would be blamed for every thing that went wrong, I used to dread him being annoyed about something, It didn't take much. He was sometimes physically abusive, often verbally so. Lots of swearing and calling me a c**t. I don't know anyone else who can fit so much swearing in to one sentence! He never hit the children, had he done so even once I would have been off and taken them with me. Having said that he was often quite verbally aggressive towards them. I'm writing this and thinking anyone reading this will be wondering why I didn't leave. I wonder too but I think I felt like I'd made a big mistake and felt ashamed so didn't want to admit it but I don't really know. Some years ago I had a very bad mental break down and I know it was because of the way he had treated me. I'd never been able to get across to him how awful he was and I went through a long spell of thinking about it and feeling angry at having felt so helpless. These days he is too old and frail to be a threat to me so I told him it was his fault but he will not believe it. In the whole 47 year marriage he has not apologised once for his behaviour. He always said and still does that it was always my fault. I was so unreasonable etc. Ironically I could relate so many examples of him being unreasonable. A couple of years ago I wrote and told his sister all about it, she never responded but her daughter did and was furious with me for upsetting her mother.
Of course not every man is like that but my advice would be get to know any prospective husband really well before you get married and have kids. Good luck what ever you decide to do

I have had a handful of days where I’ve regretted having children because it’s hard work. That’s a handful of days in over six years.

My granny used to say to me the longer you leave it to have a baby, the less you will want and that's not a bad thing! But found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 34, long after granny had passed away. Panicked cos not what l wanted but actually am really happy with my life. Got married when she was 3 and yes of course l have the odd day (more during lockdown!!) that l wonder where l would be now if l was single and child free but l honestly wouldn't be without her or the old man. Love them both. Having said that, l think if l had done it too young l may have regretted it. Such a personal choice.

Op you definitely have to make the decision for yourself. You can’t let your Mums view change the decision you would otherwise make. Motherhood is hard there is no doubt about it. I do sometimes wonder what my life would be like without kids. I do like the idea of being able to do what I want when I want. Ultimately though I think I would have always felt like there was a void if I hadn’t had kids. I didn’t have kids till my mid 30’s as although I always wanted kids, I never felt ready. In the end it became a now or never thing. I was (and still am) happily married and wasn’t getting any younger. I now have a beautiful 4 and 2 year old. At the end of the day I am often exhausted, but I certainly wouldn’t be without them. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kid’s. From your op though I think you do. You will end up resenting your Mum if you let her view impact your decision. Take your time making your decision (you have it at only 26), but ultimately make sure that decision is yours.

Sorry I also want to add my Mum while not minding babysitting as a treat on the rare occasion has always made it clear she won’t on a regular basis. That’s fine she has done her child raising.

I also wanted to say my parents were both teachers and were adamant I shouldn’t go into teaching. I listened and went into project management/ civil engineering field. I often think I would probably have been happier as a teacher. I guess I will never know. It is why you should make decisions for yourself though.

She is right, it’s not easy, it’s very stressful and a constant worry about their well being. But I wouldn’t change it for the world, they are the best thing and a cuddle from my babies makes everything worth it.

Huge stresses and hard work having a family, but also huge rewards. Like all life it's a balance.

These days he is too old and frail to be a threat to me
even so, what a c*nt he is
lamp him one for me Patsyanna you deserved a much better life than that

You have to do what your head and heart tells you is right. I had a shitty first marriage but 2 wonderful daughters who are now grown up, one of whom has given me two amazing grandchildren. They are all my life and I cant regret marrying my first husband because if I hadn't I wouldn't have my girls. I am now engaged to a wonderful gentle kind and caring man and yes I would marry again despite my bad experience 1st time.

It may be that your mum is the kind of person who realised too late that she’s not cut out for motherhood. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or regrets having you, but that if she’s honest with herself, she would have chosen not to have children had she known them what she knows now. I think her advice is valid in the sense that it conveys the idea that having children shouldn’t be the automatic choice - that it’s ok to stop and think about it and choose not to do it if that’s what feels right.

Most people have children because they have an overwhelming desire to do so. If that’s the case with you, your mother’s advice probably won’t carry any weight anyway. In a similar way, I think most parents have periods where they fantasise about how things could be if they didn’t have children, but somehow the having of the children feels better and more valuable than what they would gain from not having them.

i cant say i agree with the phrase kids give mu life meaning-so people without kids should just end it coz whats the point?

I would say its awful ur mum saying that and its not her choice to make. I would be angry if she mentioned she didnt want grandchildren. Its not up to her. I have quite complicated relationship with my mum and i have 2 children , ive been struggling as my daughter has been diagnosed with autim when she was 2 and , its a whole new ball game when u have a disabled child. With regrets and living ur life with children. I think the main thing to consider is the man u have children with. It makes all the difference. I am luckly in that respect.

Also the people taking about children give them meaning i find sad. And not true at all

My ex did that to my daughters, tried to persuade them they didn’t need anyone, and the hassle of being tied down. He’s on his second marriage, so he doesn’t practice what he preached! One daughter married last year at 32. The other would love to settle, but hasn’t met the right one yet and is worried now she’s leaving it too late.

My advice, follow your own heart, you have your own life to lead, path to follow. Don’t let anyone including your mom put you off what you could really love being.

You sound young, early 20s i guess? Ignore mum but remember one thing: get education and a career before getting a man and kids. Make sure you can support yourself and kids if necessary.
Talking from experience here. I’m so glad my mom drilled that message into me.

I strongly urge you to listen to your Mum!
At least give yourself some years to enjoy life first and take a decision at about 30yoa. If you are desperate to have children (because all your friends have them) so be it - but be very sure that is what is best for you AND any children you decide to have.

I would certainly take your mum at her word and not expect her to provide any childcare / babysit if you have children. That's an entirely valid decision for her to make and she's pointing out that she doesn't want you to have expectation of any dependency on her for that.

As for everything else it is of course entirely your decision, and what's right for you is not the same as what is right for everyone else. I would listen to input, be that from your mum or anyone else, but it is then your job to weigh it up in the context of your life. It may be helpful or you might want to discard it.

i cant say i agree with the phrase kids give mu life meaning-so people without kids should just end it coz whats the point?

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever. What people are saying is that for them, their children give them purpose and meaning. It doesn't mean that it is the only thing that can give you purpose and meaning.

For some people it is their work. For others it's hobbies and interests. Lots of people find it in their friends and family or their partner. Some find it in doing things for the community etc. Very lucky people manage to find purpose and meaning in a number of things.

I also think it's terrible if people on this thread have been told that their lives lack meaning just because they haven't got children. It's rubbish.

But it's certainly true that some people, although from this thread clearly not all, find purpose and meaning in their children and grandchildren.

OP I really hope you're not swayed by people's advice one way or another about what you should do based purely on their experience. I hope the only advice you'll take is to think it through carefully working out all the pros and cons and make a decision yourself based on what's best for you.

I think this post is so sad, its just not the experience of my family or close friends at all. I agree with the poster who said that since being in mn she can't believe the state of some relationships, my dh isn't perfect, neither am I and I'm sure we annoy each other in equal measures but I knew him so well before we married that there were no surprises afterwards. He does equal amounts around the house but we have an understanding that occasionally we both have lazy days where the other person does more and there is no judgement. He is equally involved in childcare and would happily be a stay at home dad if money permitted and I wanted to work full time. Our finances are split 50 50, all our money goes into one account and we buy what we want when we want to if we have spare, we'd just run anything large past each other first. Neither of us has more time to ourselves than the other and no jobs are assigned to just one of us. This isn't meant as a boast, we definitely aren't perfect and there are aspects we both want to work on but my point is, if you have a base like that then children are most definitely a huge bonus in life. We have 3 and they are the single most amazing thing I have ever done. They drive me crazy, we aren't always a big Brady bunch type family that get along and it is a full time job, no switching off fully even when they sleep but I wouldn't change them for the world and I consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to have them.
What im trying to say is, I think OP that it very much depends on your wishes and your support. I come from a large, family centred family and my dh does too, his is smaller but with support from Aunts, grandparents, great Aunts etc Family is all I care about, its everything to us so I could not be happy without kids. Others on here appear to not feel like that so no one can tell you what to do. What I have noticed on here though is it seems people with money seem to place much more importance on protecting it and living independently so I guess attract similar people. My dh and I aren't well off and everything we earn we share and i honestly think that makes us happier than some?

I think a really important aspect of this is who the father is - basically don't pick a feckless narcissist and your life as a parent will be happier!

I worked in elderly care for years and it was when they got to that age they regretted no loving family.

I worked in elderly care for years and it was when they got to that age they regretted no loving family.

You realise that having children is no guarantee of having a 'loving family'?