My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

If I ever have a daughter ill be advising her not to have kids. It appears that most of the work falls to women. I'm a single parent and knackered all the time

I could've wrote this about my dad, he's always said the same, be selfish , spend your money on luxuries and so on. He said if he did it all again he wouldn't have kids. I was always on the same page as him until I met my partner and now we're expecting our first. Dreaded telling him and he was a bit gutted at first but he came round very quickly and I don't feel like I've let him down and he hasn't said I'm making a mistake.

Wouldn't life be easier if I wasn't married and had a toddler? Well yes! I would get to sleep longer, maybe read a book, go out with friends every night of the week of I wanted. But would I change it? God no! I love my husband, he is my best friend and we share our lives and experiences together and my toddler is the most beautiful amazing boy in the world and the absolute love and light of my life! So I think you have to listen to your mum's advise but think if you never got married and had children, would you wake up one day in the future and regret it? Some people wouldn't regret it, you just have to figure out what you want and don't let other people make the decision for you.

Squince

"Only if they don't resist depressingly still=-prevalent societal assumptions that delivering the placenta suddenly makes their careers optional, their wishes secondary and childcare their sole responsibility."

All of that is outside of most women's power, though. Most women are WC and from the onset of ML, unless they are well supported financially and physically, then their life chances and those of their children are cut down upon. Men in general don't do enough, many WC men have no choice but to do what they do, because they need to earn enough to live on.

You say you had one child late and had a career etc, that puts you in a privileged position. Your child may never have happened, other women at your age might not have had a live birth. So in a way, you've taken the OP's Mother's advice. As said you are in the minority of women.

The OP is getting to an age were WC women already have children, but she hasn't got a career, isn't married etc. Her Mother might be advising based on where she is now.

You actually agree with the OP's Mum and lived your life based on her advice.

Family Support makes a big difference. Even having friends/family who can do odd jobs. It's soul destroying to live in shabby surroundings, making do with second hand furniture etc. Obesity is rife among lower income families because they use food as something to look forward to. There's nothing else that they can afford.

I think that we should give women a balanced view and that should vary depending on their earning potential, because income makes a difference.

I live in an area were young women start to have children from 19. Children are preached as the be all and end all, yet the parents around me don't seem to want any part of child raising. It's a few years down the line when the women realise their mistake. Even on a Tesco wage you can travel, put a child in the mix and that's not possible. I see so many GPs part raising their GC, as well as wider family.

I always say to young women/girls if their partner says that he wants a baby, does he mean that he wants to co-parent, because most don't.

Children are preached as the be all and end all, yet the parents around me don't seem to want any part of child raising

I see this all the time

partner says that he wants a baby
She hears this as an expression of his love and commitment towards her
he says it because he understands that once she is trapped by a baby he has much more leverage and control in the relationship

You actually agree with the OP's Mum and lived your life based on her advice.

I live my life according to my own views. I would never advise anyone else not to marry or not to have children. It's a ridiculous blanket position to impose on anyone.

If I ever have a daughter ill be advising her not to have kids. It appears that most of the work falls to women. I'm a single parent and knackered all the time

You say 'if I ever have a daughter...' Surely you'll be taking your own advice and not having any more children

The happiest people I know are childfree, myself and my husband included. Without children your life is your own to do whatever you want. The world is your oyster. More freedom, more fun, more sleep, more money, far less stress!

Ponoka7
I live in an area were young women start to have children from 19. Children are preached as the be all and end all
I have always lived in a council estate and see this all the time. So I've grown up confused because seeing girls my age or even younger having lots of children and seeming so happy, with supportive grandparents etc.
However, I haven't ever been involved with children or babysat etc.
So it's really helpful to hear personal experiences from mums.
I feel whenever I ask other mums in real life, all I get told is how amazing it is.

Yes, wc women tend to have children younger. If you know you're never destined to have a glittering career or travel the world, there's definitely a sense of inevitability with regards to having children so may as well get on with it.

Honestly, yeah. My life probably would be easier if I didn't have DD. But it would also be more boring and less fulfilled (for me personally, I'm not saying you need to have kids to be fulfilled). Having kids is harder than I imagined and I sometimes do miss my old life. But I wouldn't change a thing.

She's being honest. I love my son but I worry about him every day. I can't relocate easily. I need to provide for him. I can't put myself first any more. I lost some friends when my lifestyle changed. But mostly it's that you'll always worry about them. Children's A&E, temperature taking, identifying rashes, worrying. Then they get older and its can they read, do they have friends, are they failing. There is happiness but the constant worry is draining and tbh I wouldnt do it again.

*JaneBofCartmel

Children are a pain in the arse. Mine are both adults and I hardly ever see them. They say that's because I started leaving them on their own from when they were 10 and 12 so that I could stay with my new partner. It's not all about kids wants though, I was entitled to a life too. My children are just ungrateful.*

I mean this as kindly as possible but I really hope you are taking the piss.

@HotSince82

*JaneBofCartmel

Children are a pain in the arse. Mine are both adults and I hardly ever see them. They say that's because I started leaving them on their own from when they were 10 and 12 so that I could stay with my new partner. It's not all about kids wants though, I was entitled to a life too. My children are just ungrateful.*

I mean this as kindly as possible but I really hope you are taking the piss.

I really hope so too! Jeez louise.

Totally agree that if it wasn’t for Children I’d have less stress, less worry, more time, more money. I’d have concentrated on my career earlier, I’d have travelled more, on paper I’d have a better life.

However I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I didn’t exactly give that advice to my daughters but I did feel the need to remind them that they have a choice. This might seem self evident to some but it wasn’t for me.

It was pretty boring

DONT LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

You should live your life exactly the way you want to. I was never a "baby person" and to be honest never thought I'd have children. My kids are now 26 and 29 and have enriched my life more than i had ever imagined possible.
The best advice I can give you is to live your life your way and dont listen to anyone else xx

I say if you are currently satisfied with life given natural up and downs and you don't long to be a parent don't do it. I love my children but I feel trapped frequently.

I'm sorry to read this as it seems like your mum has had a very difficult time and is putting her insecurities and self doubt onto you. It is up to you how you lead your life.

You should make your own choices, but my advice would mainly be to be careful in terms of who you choose as a life partner. Watch out for red flags, don’t make excuses for poor behaviour, listen to your inner voice. I have loved being a Mum and haven’t regretted having my DD even for a second, but I very much regret my choice of partner. And when you have a child together you are nearly always tied to each other.

I think whatever you do OP will also be a risk. You can mitigate that risk by always have the means to support yourself and by not being rushed into anything, especially having children. However, I do wonder what underlies your mum’s advice.

‘Having’ 🙁

What a horrible thing to say to your child! Relationships can be hard at times and so can being a parent, but I wouldn't change a thing and I don't know anyone who has ever regretted having their children. Live your life as you wish to, never let anyone tell you something you want to do is not worth it.