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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

429 replies

Lowlandsea · 15/06/2020 03:09

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

OP posts:
tillyandmilly · 16/06/2020 18:20

Yup my mother said this to me never get married or have kids and I haven’t -? I am 51!

Goldenbear · 16/06/2020 18:23

I would imagine being the 'maternal' type comes in to it. I am surprisingly maternal and have found it to be an exciting chapter in my life. I had an amazing career before my first who is now 13 so it's not because my life was boring prior to this but I am happier being busy and like the dynamism and energy they bring

SleepingStandingUp · 16/06/2020 18:24

Wow I expected this to be an "Aibu to be offended" not should I dismiss my own thought as do as she tells me.

It's a shame she's beset with regret but this isn't her life or her choice. She has no idea how you'll cope or feel

Itsalwayshard · 16/06/2020 18:31

My DH and I have been together 11 years and married for 1. We have a DS. He has learning difficulties and is autistic. I wouldn't change anything. I love my little family. It depends what you want from life. I have a good career and have a good balance (never had to use childcare as I'm very lucky DH works full time also). As above it depends on you and what you want.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 16/06/2020 18:33

OP, how old is your mother - and what sort of relationship does/did she have with her own mother?

Plusher · 16/06/2020 18:47

My mother gave me the same advice but she didn't need to, tbh. I worked out from a very young age that having children means putting your own happiness in someone else's hands.

My life has been great without children and - to echo many of the parents on this thread - I wouldn't change it for the world.

bellocchild · 16/06/2020 18:48

Perhaps she wants to ensure your complete attention, and a willing carer in later life?

GabsAlot · 16/06/2020 18:50

ive said the same to my dsis she already think her life is stressful ive said she wont get a minutes peace-her partnerwants children and she seems to think its what shes supposed to do

hasnt got a maternal bone n her body can barely look aftger herself and i dont think her partner would be hands on

of course at the end of the day its up to you but u cant go back once its done can you

ChaToilLeam · 16/06/2020 18:54

I think you have to figure out what you want. I never wanted kids and never had them, and am glad of it. Do you feel you really want them? If so, then you might regret following your mother’s advice. I do wonder about her motives. It’s unusual for a mother to tell her daughter to avoid marriage and children.

TheSoapyFrog · 16/06/2020 18:54

It's all true, but the kids are so worth it.

Celestine70 · 16/06/2020 18:59

In some ways she is right but I love my kids so much. I could live without the husband to be honest.

murakamilove · 16/06/2020 19:08

Erm...?
I’m honestly not sure?
I have 2 teenage DCs who are lovely. Happily married for 22 years & both of us have good jobs.
You can’t have it all - having children means their needs come before yours & it’s not easy at all.
I work in Special Needs School and our parents are my heroes! They are truly amazing - a child with SEN is really demanding & so very challenging, but they teach you so much about yourself and the world - and they are a gift. Everyone imagines their children will be healthy - This is not always the case and that is very challenging.
I would advise you to think very carefully before being prepared to have children.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 16/06/2020 19:24

Perhaps she wants to ensure your complete attention, and a willing carer in later life?

^ This. I've seen it happen to others (and only narrowly avoided it happening to me).

viccytwiffy · 16/06/2020 19:26

i am so glad to read your post. i am neither married or a parent at 48 and after so many years of stressing and crying that i am unloved and unlived, i realise that i am happy almost all of the time, and when i look at the miserable faces of parents with children, cant help feel that i am lucky. she is right, it isnt cracked up to be all that.. but it could be, but it takes alot of wisdom to get it right, and being married and a parent is not a series of moments, but one single moment that beings and lasts for the restof your life. it could be everything, it could be nothing, it is totally 100% down to how you go about getting married and then having children.. your goals, your standards are the hardest thing to maintain - marraige and childen could be the best or worst thing to happen to you. its all up to you. its like if you dont try, you will never know. so at least if you dont marry or have children, not by choice like me, it doesnt mean tht you will be miserable. shoot for the stars...

Doubletrouble99 · 16/06/2020 19:27

I did all the things your mum suggested. Had a career moved all over the country for promotions, bought my own flat traded up to a semi, all that. It really wasn't all that much fun. Pretty lonely when you move somewhere new and your the boss, no one to go out with for a laugh. No one to befriend. Too many hotel dinners on my own. Trust me, it makes no difference how swanky the hotel is it's still bloody boring not sharing it with someone. I meet my DH when I was in my mid 30s, made redundant and decided to stay put. Best decision I ever made. Life hasn't been all roses, of course not, we couldn't have kids so decided to adopt. They are my life. They have given my life purpose and now they are teens I've now found a fantastic project locally to get involved with so I can use all my business skills. Life is good.

BrainSurgeon · 16/06/2020 19:27

In this day and age, a woman needs to decide for herself and be prepared to raise a child independently.
The institution of marriage will eventually become obsolete as a smaller and smaller number of couples stay together every year.
This is perhaps one of the things that made OP’s mother give that advice...

I hope OP will make her own decision based on her instincts bearing in mind that it’s always good to be as independent as possible so you can take care of your child/children whatever the weather...

viccytwiffy · 16/06/2020 19:30

mothers can say things that can blow your mind, to the extent that you are unable to think clearly or logically with reason. to me what jumps out is 'didnt she enjoy being a mother to you at least? perhaps she had an unhappy marraige, but why mum are you telling me not to have children? didnt i bring you any joy? havent you loved being my mother? and if the answer is no, find out why and help her to change her mind...

ThistleTits · 16/06/2020 19:31

Tbh, I think if we are honest most of us would not have children, if we knew what know now. Now, 99% of us wouldn't change our children but the absolute changes it makes to the simplest things in your life is unexplainable. My child is 31 years old and is harder work now than ever before. A child is for life and I mean life.
Your mother perhaps should have said it in a different way. I've always thought it's none of my business if my child chooses to have children or not.

AKissAndASmile · 16/06/2020 19:34

Choose your man carefully then the kids will be worth it. Yes, kids are difficult, and I say that as someone who has the men doing 50/50 parenting and 90% of the cooking and cleaning.

IWantASexPond · 16/06/2020 19:38

If I could be truly honest with my daughter, I would say exactly the same thing but I don’t want to pass on my disappointments to her & don’t want to be cynical when she grows up.

Will be waiting in the wings to help out when it all goes tits up though.

AKissAndASmile · 16/06/2020 19:46

On balance I definitely think children are worth it. I don't know if my (true) thoughts would be different if I hadn't have had such an easy ride after the early years

AcrobaticCardigan · 16/06/2020 19:48

I couldn’t disagree more. Please discount this advice & make your decision for yourself.

Smileyk · 16/06/2020 19:58

Having children is one of the best things I've ever done. They are both lovely (most of the time. Lol) and have grown up to be wonderful people. I'm proud of them and couldn't imagine life without them. As for your mother, she sounds bitter and is trying to live your life you. So she has regrets - her problem not yours. Live YOUR life the way you want. If it goes wrong then learn from it and move on - that is what life is. Enjoy!

Original poster
Lowlandsea · 16/06/2020 20:00

@professionalweirdo
My Mum is 55 and her relationship with her mum is good, they get along. Her mum had five children, was in that era of get married and have kids etc. My mum followed in her footsteps, got married but divorced and only had two children.

Her mum (my Nan) and I get along well too and my Nan loves the thought of me having a baby one day, having great-grandchildren. However, my mum has told me she doesn't want grandchildren and would never babysit for me.

I would feel that me having a child would piss her off almost and Id feel like I couldn't turn to her, and I've read on here about women who have been left to do the child rearing on their own makes me worry. I have always had that maternal instinct in me, loved meeting babies but never spent a huge amount of time with them or children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlandsea · 16/06/2020 20:01

@chatoilleam
Absolutely agree with the fact I will have to decide myself.

OP posts:
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