My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

I don't regret bringing a mother, but I think if I had another life to live I will probably would choose to be childless because it'd be just so much less stress...surely?

*@OptimisticSix *
If I knew then what I know now I wouldnt have kids.

@Hopethiswilldo
I think your mum is very wise tbh. I think marriage can be ok if you're lucky enough to meet a good one.... but kids, I wouldn't do it again given the choice.

Exactly what my Mum says too. I do try to understand though, as she's struggled to be a single parent. Growing up, we were more like friends so really close but of course she had to do everything alone.

@rougebutterfly
My father advised me and my sister when we were around 8 and 7 not to get married or have children. Instead he said we should focus on our education and career.
This is was my Mum says, I should go get a career while I'm 'young' and have a nice life that way, and to stay with my DP but not get married. It's just a piece of paper.

I'm glad that you and your sister are happy too and it worked for you.

One does not fit all I don't regret having my kids for one minute yes at times it's hard and it does mean you have to put them before yourself but for me that's not an issue as I wanted them and they mean everything to me I value holidays and fancy cars way down the list
But nothing wrong in not wanting kids and the responsibility either it's a personal choice for everyone to make
Same as marriage there's good and bad ones and I know loads who have commitment of owning a house or kids but never marry
It's all about deciding what YOU want

*@SerenDippitty *
My mother didn’t really want me to have kids either. She genuinely thought I’d have an easier and more enjoyable life without them. Plus she was worried as my DH’s birth mother had mental health problems and she thought our child might go the same way. As it happened I couldn’t have them anyway. She didn’t understand my grief.
I'm really sorry to hear that.

@LightenUpSummer
I am not prepared to be a single mum, I don't think I would manage and I wouldn't want that life. DP is great but as mentioned on this thread, men can't be trusted I guess?
That's why I ask, maybe my mum is trying to say what she feels is best for me.
I'm taking on board what everyone is saying.

Alittlelower
I heard someone on the radio say that her mother (single mother) would sometimes shower them with love when they were children and other times tell them that they were her ball and chain. That is a terrible thing to say to a child, but I know exactly what her mother means.
That is how I felt but as an adult I do understand now.

Mother's know best.

Apologies, auto correct put in an apostrophe. Mothers know best.

IndieRo
Blimey, you went through a lot growing up with everything you did for your siblings. My mum said similar things too.
It's great to hear that everything worked out for you!

It's just a piece of paper.

It's not it's more a legal contract - still completely fine not to marry but understanding the differences may be important.

Living together and marriage: legal differences

I know a couple who have ever married : have two older boys and a house and been together 30 plus years but never bothered to marry.
She worries about the financial side of things despite always working. For some marriage is a contract of sorts. It tidies things up.
It's a shame people can't just sign a contract as you would with a job ! It seems very old fashioned to me and I've been married for years.

I think, from a feminist and societal point of view, nothing destroys women's lives and chances more than having children.

I know a lot of people in many situations who haven't married - and some situations not marrying can absoluetly be best legal option especially if there are assets to protect.

A lot of the protection marriage gives automaically can be replicated (possible all I'm no expert and we married so didn't need to be)

Problem is not everyone knows to do that especially if all they've heard is oh its' just a pecie of paper and can mean nasty surpirses down the line.

I think, from a feminist and societal point of view, nothing destroys women's lives and chances more than having children.

Sadly very true.

Still I think it's been worth it for me - but then my entrie brain got re-wired during pg - which must help with that view point.

Your mother is right. I love my son, but If I had my time again wouldn’t do it.

@Lowlandsea thank you. FWIW I don’t necessarily agree with the posters who say your mother doesn’t have your best interests at heart. You know her.

When I was struggling with my infertility (I’m at peace with it now) my mother would say things like “oh we used to envy people without children”. I think in her own way she was trying to help by pointing out the negatives of having children and the positives of not having them.

I think, from a feminist and societal point of view, nothing destroys women's lives and chances more than having children.

Only if they don't resist depressingly still=-prevalent societal assumptions that delivering the placenta suddenly makes their careers optional, their wishes secondary and childcare their sole responsibility.

Only if they don't resist depressingly still=-prevalent societal assumptions that delivering the placenta suddenly makes their careers optional, their wishes secondary and childcare their sole responsibility.

And the depressingly still prevalent societal notion that only having children brings true fulfilment.

@squince

Even if the father of your dc does his fair share, children are still a huge restriction on you. Yes, it's slightly better from a point of privilege...money, education and equality all massively improve women's lives. However, even with these things, your life is severely restricted by the presence of children.

I think, from a feminist and societal point of view, nothing destroys women's lives and chances more than having children

That depends on the women surely? Some women don't want careers, just jobs (just like some men). Some will have got as high as they want to get once they have children.
I think it is the cultural stuff that goes around childrearing - the lack of equal sharing of childcare and domestic responsibilities with Fathers (including all the planning and organisation around this), cultural assumptions that having children shouldn't impact on men's careers, but should on women's. The drop in women's earnings that often accompanies having children leaves women financially vulnerable when marriages break down, plus the fact that so many men seem to decide to try to hide 'their money' from divorce settlements. And the fact that the child maintenance that men pay is such a small proportion of men's incomes. The burden and responsibilities of having children could fall a lot more evenly than it does.

I think a lot of people are viewing this from the point of view of well educated middle class women living in developed countries. If you step outside of your privileged bubble, you'll realise many women live in truly awful circumstances. So many people call children a blessing...I've never seen it like this. Children are not a blessing, they are a result of unprotected sex. Yes, as mothers, we adore our children and would do anything for them..in actual fact, the strength of a mother's love is what often keeps them trapped. It's why men find it so much easier to be selfish and to walk away.

Even if the father of your dc does his fair share, children are still a huge restriction on you. Yes, it's slightly better from a point of privilege...money, education and equality all massively improve women's lives. However, even with these things, your life is severely restricted by the presence of children.

I've not found it so.

I think a lot of people are viewing this from the point of view of well educated middle class women living in developed countries. If you step outside of your privileged bubble, you'll realise many women live in truly awful circumstances. So many people call children a blessing...I've never seen it like this. Children are not a blessing, they are a result of unprotected sex.

I agree to an extent with this, but you don't need to look outside the developed world. My mother's life uneducated, poor, contraception unavailable, abortion illegal and my own childhood meant that I thought very carefully before I had a child, had him late, had only one, and at a stage in my career where I was comparatively senior and economically comfortable.

If I hadn't been, or if I had thought that having a child would significantly decrease my economic independence or compromise my career, I wouldn't have had one.

I've not found it so

Of course it does restrict you. Want to take a job abroad...you will need to consider the welfare of your dc in that decision. Want to have a spontaneous night out with your dh? Need to organize a sitter. Want to travel the world for a year? I'm sure your dcs needs affect every decision you make. You might be pretty happy and fulfilled but don't pretend you do everything you want to do whenever you want to do it.