My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

Marrying DH, having the kids and getting cats were all things my family weren't sure were good ideas but were the absolute best things I've ever done

I love that you included getting cats - me too!

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, any more than everyone is cut out to be a farmer or a soldier or a teacher. But you can't give up the job of being a parent once you've started it.

There was huge negativeity towards us getting cats but they bring so much joy to us every day.

Probably helps pet sitters and catteries are more a thing now.

DH said it was odd they were considered more of a tie than the kids we already had. We thought long and hard about getting them before we did and factored in cost and long term commitment to them.

My cat's a dick.

Some of that is true- expensive, stressful, no time to yourself... but, if you choose to have children with a partner then you should be sharing the burden and the fun, plus watching kids grow up is amazing (and tiring).
Have just posted on the do you regret getting a dog thread! Feel like it’s the same! What other people think of as a tie, others don’t, they just adjust. Just plan that it will be expensive, hard and occasionally brilliant.

She doesnt want to share/lose you.....sounds controlling

You and your mother need to come to terms with the fact that you are two different people! However close you are, you have had different lives and will have a different destiny

I think I was earmarked for her fireside companion in old age

OMG I would never ‘advise’ my kids to that extent. That’s so prescriptive and controlling. She has put you I. The position of feeling that you have ‘disappointed’ her in some way of you decide to do those things. She is denying you choice in your life!!!

no she's looking out for her, she wants to make sure you're available to care for her, fetch and carry, be her servant when she's old

Please go and have a read on the elderly parents board and see what your future looks like.

You asked is she just looking out for me? No, OP, she is not. It is one thing to reflect on one’s own life, it is quite another to advise you throughout your life to never marry or have kids based on her own experiences. Do you still live with your mum? Have you ever had a relationship? Has your mother ever shown jealously towards any boyfriends/friends you have had?

I see that you are 26. It is now time to trust your own judgement. Not your mother’s.

There are so many women on Mumsnet enmeshed with their mother’s that they do not see the problem with your post.

Nor is this really a debate on whether or not it is better to remain childless.

It comes down to whether or not it is okay or healthy for a parent to tell their adult child what to do. The answer is no.

OP everyone is different and people need different types of lives to be happy. So it may be that your mother would have been better off not getting married or having kids, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be true for you. First of all, you know whether your mum means well with her advice or not so bear that in mind.

Secondly, marriage itself doesn’t tend to make people unhappy unless they really are an introvert and hate sharing their space with someone else. What makes people unhappy is marrying the wrong person/ a useless idiot. So better advice would be to think carefully about whether you want to share your life with someone and if you decide you do; make sure that person is kind, 100% supportive of you and your goals and will let you be your own person.

Whether to have kids or not is entirely up to you. I always wanted them when I was younger but since seeing friends have them and struggle I’m now much more on the fence. I can also see so many other things in life that will bring meaning and happiness to me. Some people only find meaning in family so they would probably be unhappy without kids - is this what you are like?

@ConkerGame Best post on this thread.

@Guineapigbridge

Better advice from your mum would be: Don't compromise on who you marry and who you have kids with. Learn to communicate assertively about what you want Know enough about your own values to know when compromise is acceptable to you and when it is not.

This is what I've said to my own DD. I did suggest that DC could wait until she's older, and unless she's the higher earner, to make sure she's married before having DC.

I'm a single parent, and my ex was (I guess still is) abusive, including financial abuse. We weren't married, more fool me, and he swallowed up all my savings. I don't want that for DD, and she understands why I said what I have.

Given her upbringing includes abuse, I've pointed her to the Relationships board, there are good threads there with plenty of advice about red flags, useful books, etc, to give her the best chance of a relationship free of abuse, if she wants a relationship.

@ConkerGame Best post on this thread.

Seconded.

I don't think it's common to regret children

I think its more common than you think. I know at least two close friends who find being a parent just a relentless pain in the arse. Both of them went back to work full time although their salaries barely cover the childminding fees.

When the instant reaction by most is that how can anyone dare to think they regret having children, it's so selfish to have had them.

No wonder people stay quiet!

There have been several threads about whether people regret having children and quite a lot of people say they do - with many more being ambivalent. I'd guess because a thread like that gives people permission to admit it.

I think its more common than you think. I know at least two close friends who find being a parent just a relentless pain in the arse. Both of them went back to work full time although their salaries barely cover the childminding fees.

As I said I've know mothers who openly said they regretted it - and few more who may well have done by their behavior. I agree there is a stimga attatched to admitting it.

I also know many many other mothers who've never regretted it or only in hard times and loved it in rest. Perhaps as mine are in teen years - it's easier to see that - I don't know.

Honestly biology isn't daft brains are re-wired during pg prioties changed - it stacks the odds in favor of the infant having involved loving mothers. Dosen't mean there won't be execptions perhaps exacerbated by our socitey set up..

As I've siad it's a gamble complety- but the idea all mothers or vast majority secretly hate motherhood is I think equally untrue.

Though I agree pointing out motherhood and marraige are choices with implications isn't a bad idea.

My mother used to say don't have children and it was quite clear that she didn't like being a mother. I have one and love it, never regretted it. I do not think my Mother did me a diservice at all. She was just letting me know that it is not for everyone. I think the Mothers who tell their daughters from a young age that they need to get a man and have children, they are doing a greater disservice.

@MaggieMay1972 I don't agree that marriage requires a serious committment of time and energy.

Me and DH haven't found that at all. We get on really well and always have. I do think though that choosing to be childfree has made it so easy to have a good and happy and long lasting marriage.

@scubadive Over 40 years of married life I have lived in quite a few different places in the UK and lived abroad. I have met loads of people over that time and have lost count of how many have said they would not have children if they could go back in time.

I think as someone who has chosen to be childfree they felt they could tell me and I would not judge them.

I think it is far more common than you seem to think for women (and men) to feel that way. On lots of threads on here people admit it and there are quite a few forums for women who regret children.

I don't think it is selfish. The trouble is no one knows if they are going to like being a parent until they are one and then, obviously, it is too late.

Children put a strain on even the strongest relationship/marriage and if you honestly thought your child/children had ruined your relationship I can see why you would regret them. Also if they cause you a lot of grief.

I have friends whose children have caused and are often still causing lots of grief and distress. Teenage pregnancy, taking drugs, accidental drug overdoses, committing crimes etc. Two friends have sons who have been or are in prison.

Don't listen to her. My mum drilled into us (3 sisters) that getting married and having kids was a poor choice for women. We were all very wary of relationships and didn't want to be tied down or have an "ordinary" domestic life ...... until we got to our early 30s or so and realised that what she had done was ..... get married and have kids. She really poisoned our view of the option of settling down with a husband/partner and having kids. Subsequently we all fucked up our own family situations which aren't dreadful but could have been vastly improved without listening to this bullshit.

lynsey91 afraid I find your statement
"Children put a strain on even the strongest relationship" just as generalising as the one you were objecting to.

I think dh and I have had our share of troubles around children, dealing with disability and mental health problems and money problems and a bizarre situation where we ended up suspected of actively causing our child's illness.

Never, not for a single moment have I felt that this was putting our marriage under strain. On the contrary, every time things have got really shitty the first thing I have said to myself has been "Thank goodness somebody has my back!" Same with the sleep deprivation: "Thank goodness, there are two of us to take turns!"

We argue far less after 20 years of child-rearing than we did when we were engaged or newly-weds. I think it's the realisation that "I know you now, I know just how much good there is in you, I know how much I can trust you, this really isn't worth us hurting each other".

I absolutely don't think anyone should consider children in any other light than as one of many choices you can make in life- right for some, not right for others. But nobody's experience will be the same.

Your life doesn’t have to be like her life

I have advised my son the same. Don't get married and don't have kids unless you are prepared to put the work in. Live with someone yes, but really really think things through. Have your life, see the world and enjoy yourself.

@corythatwas but children do put a strain on a marriage/relationship. I doubt many people would disagree with that.

Fundamentally I enjoy my life and my children because my DH facilitates me to do so.
I have five children, so arguably should have more to regret than average. Compounding this I became a mum at twenty two. A recipe for diasater if ever there was one, right?

But look, my DH has been part time and allowed me to progress in my career, provide us with a beautiful home and nice lifestyle etc, safe in the knowledge that if he runs away with a twenty year old tomorrow (not his style, touch wood but anyway..) we will remain financially and materially secure.

Get yourself a decent bloke who worships you before you even think about having DC.
Don't ever settle for a man who even imagines for one second that he can 'do better' than you and you won't go far wrong. Children or no children.

corythatwas but children do put a strain on a marriage/relationship. I doubt many people would disagree with that.

I just pointed out that they didn't for me. Which is why I think you shouldn't generalise: people are all different, marriages are all different.

I also know my mum always said she got a lot less anxious and stressy after she had children (she had 4). My dad was probably imperturbable from the start.

@scubadive Society puts enormous pressure on women. We are supposed to be perfect wives and mothers. So it's hard for any woman to admit they've had regrets about becoming a mother, people will jump down their throats and accuse them of being a bad parent, when that isn't the case.

But I, too, know of women who have had regrets about having children. For me, my only regret is that my children have my ex as their father. I really wish I'd not been naive and had understood the red flags waving in my face.

It's the same pressure that's behind people having a go at childfree women for daring to choose not to have children.

Do whatever you like. I didn't fancy having a partner or kids so didn't.

Some people love it.