Ffs! Im just trying to have a fucking conversation with you!

[Shouldershrugger]

Just tried to have a hypothetical lighthearted conversation with dh and ffs he's getting stressed out. Its always it too early or too tired for this convo! Shall I book an appoint with his highness??! It'd be nice to just have a conversation different to the usual monotonous crap! Urgh. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who struggles to get a chit chat convo out of their partners.

Sounds like your housemates, the issue isnt really the conversation its the fact that you happily listen to him going on about work etc, you dont tell him you cant be arsed. He has plenty of down time and spends time on his hobby and cycling. Does he contribute to family life in any way?

"Iamthewombat* 😂😂😂😂😂😂

DH came into the bedroom at 11pm the other night and asked me what I thought of the "statue thing". I've been posting about it online, I've been engaged but honestly, the thought of discussing it with him at 11:00pm was absolutely NOT something I wanted to do. Especially as he likes to over analyse and will want me to get into the level of forensic detail we're now expecting routinely from Keir Starmer. It drives me crazy.

Also, it's not like we don't have these conversations regularly. But his habit of bringing stuff up late at night does drive me mad.

Oh god you sound awful OP
Loathe inane yapping .

Theres a woman in our office like this- would you rather...
One of these days I will snap and shout Id rather you -
STFU !

Oh god you sound awful OP

Bit harsh

@instantmango.. you sound awful. What a nasty reaction to have! I don't mind being told that im unreasonable but to be spoken and insulted at, maybe you should stfu.

Aren’t relationships reciprocal? As in, if he’s told you it’s too much, back off!

I would hate it if my DP made me talk about stuff that I didn’t want to.

God, it's basic wanting a partner you can converse with. Hypothetical topics are mind gymnastics and interesting. They are usual easier to talk about than politics or current affairs. I'd love a partner like you op. It's fun and interesting.

Oh god you sound awful OP

Did insulting the OP make you feel better? Totally unnecessary.

DH and I have one interesting and meaningful conversation about once every 6 months or so, when we are both at the exact right stage of slightly drunk but alert, usually around midnight and then it goes on for hours.
The rest of the time we either talk about work while the other barely listens or stare at our phones (and talk to more interesting people on the internet or in my case, read a ridiculous number of books)...
I have friends for chats, so it doesn't really bother me and I make all the important decisions so there isn't much we really need to discuss.

What about if when next he talks about work say darling really, you never want to listen to me anymore so it’s hardly fair expecting me to listen to you is it?

But for this poster - (like I asked what he thought about if we did a meal plan and maybe he could cook dinner on Saturday nights because I do all the cooking and I fancied 1 night a week where I didn’t have to. He got all surly and silent and then said he couldn’t discuss because I had sprung it on him out of the blue)
Absolutely shit and minimal cooking. Beans on toast till he condescends to have the time to think about it.

@Bridgeofpies look up Myers Briggs extrovert and introvert. Ignore the dictionary meaning for a minute, they say extroverts are people who speak to think, so they work out their opinions out loud with someone to bounce ideas of, and will converse with half formed opinions to better understand their own opinions (you and me) and then there's introverts who do their information gathering and sifting etc in their heads and think it all out before they feel comfortable sharing opinions, they could speak about half formed thoughts (both our dp's from the sound of it)

I used to freak out at my dh, no one is taking records of our chats, you can change your mind and opinion the whole time and it doesn't matter it's just shite talk. He'd be soooooo uncomfortable.

Now I generally ponder something out loud and go back to him a few hours later or a day later and say remember that? I never asked you what you thought? Similarly he'll now listen to me prattle on about stuff and not take everything I say too seriously because he gets I'm just trying to figure it all out and I don't think every musing I speak aloud is gospel truth.

Depends on timing . I have many in depth conversations with my DH as he does with me but sometimes if I am trying to relax or switch my head off from stresses of day ( and he does same), I really don't fancy engaging in a huge in depth debate about anything. Apart from what's on TV..
Probably why we work so well together.

I wonder if some men save their conversational energy for the blokes down the pub? I'm not sure about the term 'chit chat' but yeah, it should be possible to have a good talk with your SO.

It can be an effort.... my DH waffles on about stuff sometimes and I just say " sorry, you lost me at crank shaft." He's not interested in me talking about people or relationships but we find some common interest in politics etc I don't think either of us do hypotheticals too often. So longs as you can talk about something other than domestic tosh.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

That’s interesting, my OH is definitely the extrovert in our relationship and when we are planning something, like the garden, he will talk and talk and talk about it whereas I need him to be quite as I need to think it all through in my head before I start. He will also talk about 10 steps down the line where I’m like a one step at a time person as plans change or go off piste.

I enjoy in depth, hypothetical conversations too, and often things I read on MN get me thinking. DH is not great at conversations like that, but he has other great qualities so I try to have the deep and meaningful conversations with my friends.
However, recently (lockdown + stuff going on that really shouldn't be ignored) I have realised that I don't always listen fully to what he says, and when I do, he relaxes and has opinions about things that I really value hearing.
It is my lockdown lesson I think. There is a lot to be said for listening to understand, rather than listening while I wait for my turn to speak.

I now really want hands for feet after reading this thread. It would be so...handy!

Stunning number of women - who ask 'what did you want to talk to him about'.. as if the subject justifies your hubby's daily conversation brush offs!!

Shouldershrugger you should be able to speak to your DH about ANYTHING ... and if DH has a headache he can kindly tell you that AND also say when you CAN speak about it.

Matter of fact you should be talking to him about why you aren't able to have simple chit chat with him becoz it's NOT good, and it's a big red flag.

Yes... lots of people put up with not having simple convo with their OH for years just to stay married - good for them. The question is .. will you?

@Doggodogington I am your dh in disguise obviously. I'm the same, I plan 5 years in advance practically. This also freaks himself out. But my plans are purely notional and may change about 10 times before the action event comes, I like to see every single option. whereas if he decides on something, it's the plan, capital P. One step at a time and the most logical/likely thing based on the current information (instead of any and all hypotheticals). As I say to him laugh now but I'll be prepared if the unthinkable happens because I've thought it through already. 😂😂😂

I think the problem is that after a while some people actually don't care that much about their partners. They don't care what their partner thinks (about anything), so having any conversation outside of the 'functional' becomes a chore. However carefully you choose your time and your subject.

Many people stay in relationships for what they perceive to be an easier life, rather than because they have any care left for their partner outside of their function in the home set up.

Sorry, OP, from what you've said you've probably got one of those.

I get a bit frustrated sometimes at my DH doing this. It's not that I don't want to have random conversations with him - we used to do it all the time - it's just that I'm tired and completely out of mental energy.

I'm working FT and homeschooling the kids (in fairness, so is he), so when I finally get a chance to sit quietly reading MN for the first time all day, the very last thing I want to do is have some hypothetical conversation about politics, or Dominic Cummings or statues. It's not that they aren't important, or I don't like talking to my DH, but I need my moments of switching off.

Maybe when the kids are back at school, I'll manage moments of conversation again in addition to the moments of calm!

@fia101

There are only 3 or 4 topics my husband is ever interested in:

Football (I'm not)
Traditional Irish music (I'm not)
The kids (absolutely of course)
Diet and exercise (half and half)

Anything other than that is met with a vacant stare and you can tell he's really thinking about dinner.

I do wonder what we talked about/had in common before we had kids.

Trad. Irish music? You have my sympathies.

There's only so many times you can have the same conversation about Star of the County Down (tempo, whether somebody is being authentic if they play it in 4/4 or 6/8, what instrumentation they have used) without wanting to shove the speaker off the banks of the Bann.

And if I ever heard the context of McAlpine's Fusiliers ever again (because I FUCKING KNOW what it is AND I know the sodding lyrics were written in the 60s and tagged to a trad. tune), I might have had to commit ABH. But that person is no longer somebody I have to put up with.

YANBU. Not being able to have a conversation with your husband about something other than chores or kids sounds fucking miserable. Most people want companionship not sitting in silence next to a miserable bastard. It sounds like he's not that interested in you anymore...

It might not be that the OP’s husband isn’t interested in her any more, or whatever: he might just not be in the mood for a mentally taxing conversation when she attempts to start one.

The OP jokes about making an appointment to talk to him. That’s funny but actually it’s about picking your time and agreeing that you’ll have a time slot where you just chat without distractions.

I think it’s a bit selfish for somebody to unilaterally decide that they would like to have a theoretical conversation about statues, or politics, or irish music or whatever, and decide that the other person is participating whether they like it or not. The other person might be tired or doing something else.it’s the equivalent of walking into a room and saying, “stop what you’re doing now. I want to talk about X and you’re going to join in. I don’t care how tired or busy you are, you’re doing it because that is what I want”

same here have family round i csnt shut him up just me and him youd think we didnt know each other