To think this baby is my grandchild?

[mishahotit]

Posting here for advice on how to handle it as I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset but I’m not sure I can just sit on my hands and ignore this. Am fully prepared to be told I’m a nosy old cow who should mind her own business.

DS was 19 in May. He has suffered from depression for years which has been worsened by the pandemic. He unfortunately smokes weed to cope with it but it just makes him worse, not that he’ll be told that. He is on furlough from his part time job and so has his own money to pay for it, I can’t stop him. All I do is ban it in my house and he’ll smoke in the local park. He has started having mental breakdowns every few weeks, panic attacks, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to get him to quit the weed and seek help but he won’t.

He had a short term girlfriend last year, from around February to July. It fizzled out and he dumped her. Other than college and work, DS hasn’t had much going on since. She was a lovely girl, I saw her often and liked her but of course she was out of our lives after the split.

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook and she came up in the “people you may know” section. I clicked her profile, not sure why I did but I think I may have been wondering how her mum was doing as she was awaiting an illness diagnosis when her and DS were together. Saw a few pictures of a newish looking baby, assumed it was a relative or a friends baby or something. But then get to a post dated mid-March, a picture of her in hospital holding a newborn and people congratulating her in the comments. As you can imagine, cogs started turning and I had a bit of a ‘hang on a minute’ moment. They split in July last year, March means baby would have been conceived just before then.

I looked (and keep looking as I am so stunned) at the pictures of this baby again and he really does resemble DS at that age. It’s uncanny. I really do think this is DS’s baby and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just going off gut feeling is it as the dates do add up. Except since the split DS hasn’t mentioned her to me at all, certainly no baby.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 3 possibilities. 1. DS has no clue that this child even exists. They met online, no mutual friends so I find it possible. 2. DS has noticed/she has told him but he is avoiding it. Sadly this is something I see him doing in his current state. 3. DS and her have spoken and it’s been confirmed somehow it isn’t his.

I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do. Can’t even look at DS knowing it’s possible he has a child out there that he is avoiding. Haven’t mentioned it to him as he hates me having anything to do with his life and will likely kick off. Have thought about messaging the girl but the last thing I want is to come in all guns blazing into this girl’s life. If there’s a possibility it’s DS’s he needs to contact her, not me.

I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle it as I’m struggling keeping it all in. As I said, I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset.

I actually find myself agreeing with TiggerofThigh here. Might be worthwhile to establish things with the girl first. If its ds child then you and the mother can either keep it quiet for a while until ds sorts himself out or she says she wants nothing to do with any of you. Or its not his.

Have wondered whether to contact her and just explain to her directly what’s going on with DS and why I feel the need to ask about baby, while also stating I know she doesn’t owe me anything and I completely understand if she ignores and blocks me, and say I have no intentions of pushing anything with baby but I just need to know if anything is going on in DS’s head as I’m concerned for him. If I said perhaps that I’m worried about DS’s behaviour and could she could possibly shed any light on it? She seemed intelligent and mature when I saw her and if I were to send her a message just asking how she is but skirting round the issue she’d know full well the real reason I’m making contact and it might make her wonder of my intentions. Do have to wonder if it’ll go down better me being direct with her. Does that make any sense? But then can also understand why some think a different approach is better.

Will probably have to speak to DS first though.

^Taking the ‘mum to mum’ approach, so to speak. Of course it would only be after I’ve spoken to DS first and if I think he’s lying.

Another vote to talk to the baby's Mum first.

I'd message her and say

"Was thinking about your mom, hope she got good news. Take care"

Because you were and that is literally why you clicked her profile.

Then leave it. 🤷

She may have told your DS about the baby and therefore assumes you know. She could be wondering why you haven't been in contact?

there is no way Facebook could know you know each other

Not true. The Facebook algorithms make connections all the time. If you are FB friends with your son, and she was FB friends with him when they were seeing each other, FB would make that connection. Or the girl could have been looking at your FB page a few times.

My personal feelings ( and I'm a grandmother so I know what you are going through) are that you should just send a cheerful message to her, congratulating her on the baby and nothing else. Then it's up to her what she does. If she doesn't respond , you'll have to leave it. The baby could easily be another man's, or maybe she knows what your DS is like and doesn't want any connection with him or his family. You'll have to accept whatever she has decided.

Tbh, I would guess that - if she responds - she will tell you this is not your grandchild whether or not your son is the possible father. I do not see you gaining anything from contacting her. Nor do you have any legal mandate to force the issue. Sympathies for your situation; I imagine it feels very distressing. x

I'm really sorry about your son. I think that his ex may have made the decision to have nothing more to do with your son to protect her baby because he's not good father material - if he is the father. I don't think she's going to be too concerned about your concerns about your son's mental health either. Please dont raise this with your son as no good will come of it. I would contact her and ask, promising you will not tell your son anything if he doesn't know. Don't try to convince yourself he should know either because he can add nothing positive to their lives. If it is your grandchild try to be very modest in your initial contact requests such as sending birthday and Christmas presents. You dont want to overwhelm or upset the mother.

The message suggested by @worstwitch18 is perfect

Is your DS the father you want for your grandchild?

Could you deal with him saying he didn't want it and won't have any to do with it?

I don't think she'll be super offended if you message her, I know I wouldn't be.

You could even say, you're not looking to upset anyone but I'm sure she knows how your DS can get so you wanted to ask her.

Will you be looking to be in your grandsons life, if he is your grandson?

Hopefully you can get the truth out of your DS.

@mishahotit
I think you should contact her to ask about the baby but do NOT make your DS's issues her problem. They are irrelevant to her and her life as a single mum will be difficult enough. Simply offer your support as a potential grandparent and leave your DS out of it.

You need to seek help for your DS. Hopefully if he soon returns to work things will be more structured - I suggest he thinks about moving out soon. The way he speaks to you is disgusting and you're on eggshells in your own home. He's an adult, he should be behaving like one

The fact your son will kick off at you just winds me up. Youre his mother, you gave birth to him, raised him and ged him. What gives him any right to blow up at you ! Seriously....
Anything my eldest son has got going on that could involve the whole family or his education is to do with his parents. Obviously he's entitled to his own privacy and so on. But as a child you have full authory over him. And even as an adult you want to help in certain circumstances. Like I would go to my mum if I was in a spot of bother or needed advice etc.

I would most definitely would want to know if he had a child. That baby is a part of me too.

I honestly dont understand how children can talk to their parents like crap. We are very strict and our religion is all about respect the elders especially parents. And kids are taught from our holy book that heaven is at the mothers feet !!!!

First and foremost, he needs to quit smoking that bloody stuff as it is having a massive effect on his own mental health and it's not helping matters regardless if he is buying it with his own money. It's not on. Smoking it in the park as well is gross as it stinks and there are children around.
Get him to quit. If he's having anxiety and breakdowns the weed is definitely not helping. He needs a serious talking too. He's 19 he's still a teenager, a kid. Get your husband to give him a good talking to or any older male relatives to make him see this is not the way to go.

Dont start marching down the war path as that can make things worse. As for the little baby, there sounds like a huge possibility that this could be his child and your grandchild. And you have every right to know!! Just like he definitely has a righ to know! I would want to know and then also decide on how to bring it up to the girl. You said she was nice , so maybe messaging her won't be so bad. You could just say you wanted to check in on her and her mother and then said I noticed a little baby in your pictures. May I ask who he or she is etc.

Also note, I have had 3 children born in April and all were conceived in July. So there is a chance the baby was conceived in june.

Wish you all the very best with this. :)

Personally I would message the girl. There are several possibilities here but I would want to know in order to support her if it was my grandchild. It doesn’t sound like your son is in any fit place to be a father but that doesn’t mean you can’t do the right thing by this child if it is your grandchild.

If it turns out that the baby is your family I would be making it clear to ds and the ex that you will not act as a go between in order to pressure this girl into accepting him in their life- definitely not while he is using drugs. Even if the ex doesn’t want you involved for fear of your son, you could ask if she’d be happy for you to set up a small savings account for when the child is older or something like that.

She might be scared witless that inviting you into their lives could bring trouble to her door. Your son doesn’t have any “rights” towards this baby- only responsibilities (if it is indeed his). If you do want to be involved you must remember this.

Gosh poor you, what a situation. My worry is that if the baby is his, the mum has stayed out of contact because of your sons drug use. I hope you can speak to him.

I'd approach the girl. If she is a "friend you might know", she may have been interested in you too and wondering if you would be a good grandparent even if your son may not, in his current state of mind, be the ideal parent. That's all just conjecture so I'd just keep it nice and light, mention you were wondering how her mum is and sending your best wishes for her health, and saw she had a baby too so congratulations, what a lovely baby he looks and you hope she and the baby are both doing well. If she reads something nice and welcoming, she may feel it's okay to offer information up about what's been going on.

I would message her first,especially as your DS sounds like a nightmare and she may not want him to know. Just a "hello, how are you, congratulations" would do to state with.

There may be a chance you could still be involved in the child's life, if it is your grandchild. A friend of mine was the ex gf in this situation. The father was a total shit, who ended up moving countries to get away from his responsibilities and stuff more drugs up his nose in peace. His family were lovely, decent people who were horrified at his behaviour, and who did the right thing by my friend from day 1. They now have a close and loving relationship with what turned out to be their only grandchild, in fact now my friend has remarried and had more children, they act as a third set of grandparents to the new unrelated kids too.

Don't message her. There is no polite way to do it so just don't.

If you must know ask your DS. If he kicks off at you that's a separate issue that needs addressing - frankly what ever issues he is having with his mental health he has no right to talk to you the way he does. He's an adult and if he can't behave like one in your home he needs to find somewhere else to live.

But if he won't tell you one way or the other than you need to push it out of your mind. This new mum doesn't need the stress of you popping up and questioning the paternity of her baby,

Gobsmacked at the suggestions that you contact girlfriend and basically ask who who she's had sex with (because basically that is what you are asking.........

I think it’s likely she was looking at your profile. Whatever you write to her I’d say that you are willing not to involve your son if she doesn’t want to. I can imagine her not wanting hm around the way he is.

...... or he dumped her coz she cheated on him.

It's really difficult to know what to do. You only have to read on here and on SM where perfectly reasonable behaviour is misconstrued and blown out of all proportion.

You don't really know the girl so you have no idea if she's reasonable or looking for an excuse to be 'fuming' or 'furious' or whether she'd be offended.

I would probably ask my DS first. If that proved fruitless, I would write a nice letter to the girl in a card, congratulating her and somehow raising the subject. Alternatively, do you have any other mutual friends or contacts who might mediate? Better to do something rather than nothing even if you get blown off as you will always wonder "what if?" otherwise.

Good luck OP.

I would speak to your son and if you're still unsure I don't think there's anything wrong with approaching the girl. She might appreciate some support. Just make it clear you're not there to cause issues but you would like to help if she wants it.