There is no such thing as "the terrible twos"?

[maybemaybeII]

Not a TAAT but there is an active thread about how parenting a toddler is hard and many parents leave their child in the cot and just walk out for 5minutes to get a breather because they can't cope.

I have two toddlers of different ages, very close age gap, but have never yelled at them or put them in "time out", or felt the need to walk away from them because they're misbehaving and driving me crazy. They've never drawn on the walls, or poured a packet of flour on the flour, or gone in to my makeup bag and destroyed my lipstick.. all the stuff you see on Instagram from time to time with a caption "toddlers are dicks/arseholes".

I'm not a perfect mum, my toddlers are currently watching Hey Duggee and about to have pain au chocolat's for breakfast (!!), and yes it is absolutely exhausting having a toddler, but AIBU to think some of the blame with badly behaved toddlers does in fact lie with the parent and "terrible twos" in bullshit? Getting my tin hat on!

Oh, and in the pregnancy book I got given, it had a specific page on this - that it was fine, if your baby/child wouldn't stop crying (They called it something like purple crying), and you were about to crack, to just put them in a safe room and shut the door for 5 minutes so you could collect yourself.

Luckily I never got that far, DP tagged in and would do the wandering the house while DS1 screamed at 3am. But if I hadn't had that support, then there would have been times when I would have had to just let him cry so I could sleep/eat/wash/gather what little grasp on my sanity I still had. Mothers matter too, and sometimes you have to attend to yourself, as long as the baby isn't in physical harm, and that's fine.

Hahaha. My first was like your two OP. She was a delightful two year old. I thought the terrible two's were a myth. She went through a terrible phase when she was three though!

Now my second is 2 and I would describe her as more of a'typical' 2 year old. We've had random tantrums where she throws herself on the floor, drawing on walls, destroying my makeup, everything is 'mine!' - all the usual!

I do think toddlers generally, despite their noise, mess and 'naughtiness' get a bad rap. Most of them are gorgeous, sweet, caring, fascinating, funny little people. 2 is my favourite age.

Funny I should see this post this morning. I left my 2 year old for 5 minutes while I went to make breakfast, foolishly forgot crayons were out, came back to him showing me with a big grin where he had drawn on the wall (he knows this is not good).

He's been having tantrums since he was about 10 months old and has never been remotely 'chilled out'. I think some parents don't realise how much of a calm temperament their child has compared to others and how it makes a difference. I don't think I'm a perfect mum, but I don't think I'm a shit one either - I try the best I can.

Since turning 2 though, I would say that actually his tantrums are probably getting less. The more he can talk and communicate the easier he gets. Although he is still currently having a scream in the background because Daddy doesn't understand the rules of his game.

No it’s not terrible twos because it started at 18 months...

Yeah, mine was good as gold at that age but (I hope) I recognised that it was all the luck of the draw and wasn't smug about it.

They all have periods of being total asshats, and I'd suggest that's actually healthy for child development. They need to learn how to deal with conflict and anger, and they need to learn that the sky doesn't fall in if they scream and lose control. It's good for them (within limits, obviously) to see you lose your rag occasionally - it's how they learn that people can argue and work through problems and carry on loving each other.

I'm not saying you should create conflict for the sake of it, but you do need to understand that there are many parents out there who have gone through the terrible twos, or shouted at their kids, or used time out and other sanctions, who are nonetheless better parents than you and have more well-adjusted kids.

Your oldest one is only two and a half and your youngest is barely one - you've barely started toddlerhood!

One of mine was a really tantrummy two year old but as soon as she turned three became an angel and has kept it up for years. The other one was perfectly compliant as a cherubic two year old but really started to struggle as soon as he turned three. I don't believe that either change is down to my parenting, it's just a personality difference.

You have literally years of toddlerhood left so I wouldn't be too smug eating your chocolate croissant in front of the television

Oh OP 🙈

I also have two preschoolers. They're "supposed" to push boundaries. It's developmentally appropriate and some experts would express genuine concern if they never did.

Also, all children are different temperamentally even within the one family with the same parenting you can have two very different children. Mine don't trash the house, they never have, but they test me mentally. My three year old was very sweet and compliant at two. Three has been an entirely different ball game and my niece became very hard work at 4-6 so you may look back in a year or two and cringe hard that you wrote this post!!

I have two DCs. As different as niht and day. DS1 slept through from 6 weeks. Dear Lord we were happy. DS2 - not.

But, I will never forget a friend of DHs who looked at my super fussy eater then-7 year old DS1 (he has ASD and senory issues). He commented that their 2 year old was such a good eater and they would never 'put up with fussiness'.

4 years later and whenever we go out for dinner it has to be to a palce that serves ham and cheese pizza as their child does not eat anything else. I recall one place we went to and the pizza came with parma ham, not processed ham slices and our friend's wife actually put her head into her hands and sobbed at the dinner table because it meant her child would not eat it.

Point is- all kids are different (surprise) and you may be smug now but life has a way of biting you in the arse when you ARE smug. (IN all areas of life, not just parenting).

You could apply that to any part of a child's life:

"My child sleeps through the night so there's no such thing as sleep deprivation as a parent"

"My child eats everything that's put in front of him so there's no such thing as fussy eaters"

"My teenager is a delight that revels in family board game night so there's no such thing as a moody teenager"

One person's individual experience does not mean that everybody that doesn't have the same experience is getting it wrong.

They are 2.5yrs and 16m

LOL!!!!

When my DS was 2.5, I thought the same as you, “Terrible Twos? Pffft it’s a breeze.”
Then his 3rd birthday hit and with it, came an enormous fucking reality check.

You’ll get yours, too.

How do you write chocolate croissants in french anyway?

My hell kitten got the terrible two's early. I was told it was a good indication of her strength of character by HWs. She is certainly very stubborn.

I don't know if there is any truth in it to be honest. I wonder if it's like birds shitting on your head being lucky. ie based on trying to make you feel better about a crappy situation.

You’ve been lucky. For the sake of everyone I pray you have another child who is more challenging (normal!).

So what would you do OP if one morning you get up, your happy little 2.5 year old just out of the blue says no. No, I'm not getting dressed or eating or going to nursery school. She's not done that before, hmm you think, how odd. But still, fine, you've left loads of time, so you can do this gently. You play with them for a bit. You offer them a way out - game, compromise, pretending, let's make toy Peppa Pig clean your teeth, whatever they usually like and what makes them laugh. No. she says no no no. Today for some reason none of this works. It's time to leave the house. What do you do? Do you let her tantrum and then insist? Do you stay home?

Obviously we work round this stuff once we get used to it and can predict what they will do. But the terrible twos means that by definition your angelic child may suddenly resist whatever you want them to do, and again by definition it will take you by surprise and you won't have a ready strategy.

I'm a brilliant mum. I honestly am. But there was and is no way to avoid my toddlers' rage and anger!

Do you want a medal op?

You will get your share maybe not terrible twos but maybe terrible 4/5/6. Who cares.

@SquidwardTortellini95 don’t feel bad. OP probably has other stuff going on in her life that means she is in desperate need of some affirmation. I haven’t read your thread but I run a toddler group and I can’t count the number of mums who have had a cry at the end of their tether with their toddler. Very, very normal.

I had one calm, serious toddler and one impetuous screamy nightmare one (but both lovely of course). A few years on they still have very similar temperaments leading me to believe its largely innate.
Toddlers are usually nightmares. This is why nature made them very cute - out of necessity!

How nice for you that your children are so wonderfully behaved! You have parenthood cracked in 3 or so short years, what an achievement. I'm sure the next 15 years will all be plain sailing and there's no such thing as hormonal teens or teenagers either when you're such a, fabulous parent.

Ha. My first was super calm asva toddler then i thought exactly like you, i was actually chatting with my flatmate about it last night talking about how much of a smug twat I was.

I have 2 now.

Things are different.

Just seen how old they are. Great you are finding it easy so far.... Just wait and see before you speak too soon. My ds was a wonderful sleeper, I shouted it from the rooftops amazing boy. Till he was 18 months and he turned into the night time devil. 8 years later he's still awake by 4am without fail. At least he can amuse himself a bit now.

I am confused about the point you are trying to make?

I have a toddler, I never shout at him. He had a tantrum this morning because I said no chocolate for breakfast . I gave him a couple of minutes to get over it as can’t reason with him as he doesn’t yet understand, which also gives me a couple to take a breath! Not sure how the tantrum was avoidable.

He has drawn on the wall and hit me occasionally, neither of which are acceptable and I deal with them calmly but you seem to suggest they shouldn’t have happened at all? Again, no idea how they could have been avoided?

You’ve been lucky. For the sake of everyone I pray you have another child who is more challenging (normal!).

Oh she'll cop it at some stage, they all have their moment, just at different times (to keep us on our toes)

Good for you. I just hope that when the time comes and your perfect little toddlers become little monsters you will remember this rather sanctimonious post

DH's aunt who is currently beside herself with worry and fury at her 40 year old son's behaviour - he has left his lovely wife for a 23 year old, isn't being great to his children which has really upset everyone and put the aunt in a horrible position between her child and her grandchildren, and wants to 'borrow' money from his parents to fund this midlife crisis - would say that it's always too soon to say that you're definitely through the tricky bit of parenting!

I just read that you started this thread after reading someone else having a hard time. That in itself horrible to feel smug about, let alone start the thread to make others feel even worse. I do worry more about having a parents with such a shallow view of the world without any empathy.

Come on OP, you MUST have noticed that different children have different temperaments, just like different adults do? The “terrible twos” are a phase of challenging behaviour for MANY children, not all. Just like not all teenagers are particularly rebellious. But many are, so it’s useful to have some discussion of how to deal with challenging behaviour, because if you don’t discuss it in advance, you’re likely to make poor choices.

My daughter was not a “terrible” two, she wasn’t much for tantrums etc. But it was still a more challenging time because she was particularly fussy about food and became more insistent about things e.g. if a smaller child tried to take a toy that she had waited her turn for, she would sometimes get really cross, which she hadn’t before that point.