Wtf am I meant to do about this?

[doorjambjam]

Well I know I'm not being unreasonable, but posting for traffic I guess.

I'm due to give birth any day now. I'm 39 weeks plus. Got a DD aged 6. My DP has a history of heavy drinking and we've had a lot of trouble regarding this in the past but I thought we were passed it all. DP has been drinking heavily for weeks now (approx 25 units a night, 4-5 nights a week). We've had a huge argument about it lately and she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop.

Her adult DD is staying with us due to lockdown, and the pair of them are drinking yet again. They'll be up until about 4am probably, then knackered tomorrow, DP will sleep until early afternoon. DP is meant to be my birth partner, DSD is meant to be looking after my DD when I'm in hospital. I have no alternative childcsre for this, as my family are 300 miles away and DP's family are working all kinds of shifts in health care, both households have a member working with covid patients and I can't risk DD staying with them and bringing covid home to the baby. Also, she's never stayed there before and both houses have dogs she's scared of.

I'm clearly going to go into labour at some point in the next 2/3 weeks and neither DP nor DSD seem to think they will need to stay sober to deal with this. Tbh, I'll happily go into hospital and birth alone, as I'm so fed up with DP that I don't think our relationship is going to survive this. But I'm worried about leaving DD, if I end up going into labour when they're both pissed.

Like I say, when I suggested quitting the drink, I just got called controlling. I know in the long run I need to leave. I'm just worried about the giving birth bit.

An*

I agree with people saying to look at a longer term solution now, however if you dont feel you can do that I just want to say something about childcare for your dd. I think often when in a difficult relationship friendships can suffer and you may feel isolated. My 6 and 11 year old sons both have close friends whose mums definitely or possibly were in a very difficult and controlling relationship, these mums arent my close friends but the kids are and I would have no hesitation looking after their kid for a couple of days in this situation.

Whereabouts in the country are you OP? IF you’re in or near London PM me - I have been in a similar (though not nearly as bad) situation and might be able to help with housing/childcare if you are in the area. If you have friends reach out to them - people would want to help and please remember you (and your DD) are allowed to go and stay with friends if you are having these problems at home lockdown or not - it is specified in government guidelines. Good luck

The risk of COVID to your DD and baby is absolutely minimal - I would send DD to your family for a couple of weeks. You never know how long you might need to be in hospital and you need to know you have good arrangements for your daughter. A school friend is a possibility but what if you end up having a C section or complications and are in for 4-5 days, and then unable to do much when you get out?

Does she work how can they afford all this drink are her children there when she;s drunk

Your child is not safe in their care. I hate to say it but I would be calling my gp to explain the situation and ask if either a home birth is an option so I know my child is being watched or for a them to ask social services to prepare a place for the child when in labour if you have no other option. Do not leave these alcoholics with your child and get the hell out before the new baby arrives you don't want to raise children in that situation.

Hey hun I really feel for you I had a toxic relationship with my ex husband. I'm a qualified nursery nurse if you need any support Ive got in date first aid certificates, a current DBS, I'm also a parent myself.

You can contact social services say you need emergency care for when you give birth. Can you ask partner and daughter to leave? Is she abusive you can go to a refuge. Can a relative come and pick your daughter up and take her to stay with them?

Yes please ask a school friend. İ would 100% help out a school mum even if i didn't know her very well in this situation.

I'm guessing you already know this, but your DP is an alcoholic. If she can't stop drinking at a time like this, gets defensive about her behaviour and tries to deflect blame then that speaks volumes. She will and DSD will prioritise alcohol.

This is not a good environment to raise a baby or a child. Please speak to your midwife ASAP for advice.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Actually yes. Can someone from your family come and collect DD and look after her until the birth and you are home? Then at least you know she is being taken care of and you won't have the stress during labour. İ would then be moving up to your family after the baby is born tbh. That's not safe behaviour around a 6 year old let alone a new born

Or maybe a home birth...?

This is only going to get worse when you bring home a baby you’ll be trapped in with a small infant as well a young child . Isn’t there anyone else that can step in ? I feel very sorry for you

Your partner is an alcoholic and the first step is you acknowledging this. When you do, you’ll hopefully stop with this fingers crossed they won’t be a twat denial, which probably encouraged you to bring another child into this. Talk to your MW and start taking the steps now to prioritise your children, instead of burying your head in the sand about the impact of your partner’s addiction problems on them.

It sounds like you know what you're doing and have a plan sorted. My concern is that when your baby is born and you're caught up in the newborn baby bubble you'll forgive and forget all this for a while and it will be swept under the carpet. The whole story resonates with me especially regarding the mortgage etc. Please be careful and stay strong. I have been there.

have not read the whole thread but you have 2 issues. Your DP and the imminent birth.

can you not stay with family for a while at least until birth and recovery from birth. You know you need to leave your DP. but take one step at a time.

Or can you move/kick your DP out and family comes over to stay with you for a little while?

I would also discuss the situation with your midwife.

You have to put you and your children first. Whilst your partner and her daughter are drinking like this they are incapable of of caring for themselves, nevermind anyone else. Your daughter spending some time with family while you have the baby and recover sounds like a good solution to the immediate problem. Emotionally it's going to to be tough but you need to remove your partner and step daughter from your life. They cannot help at the moment. And once the baby arrives any health visitor is going spot the issues in the household. You need help, for your own mental and emotional sake, and to stop the problems being compounded by a newborn being in a household with alcohol abuse. Can your daughter's school help? Schools are supporting vulnerable children more than ever right now. And it could lead to continuing support for both you and your daughter as you unravel the situation and settle with the new baby. Please reach out to to friends and family. These people might be able to help. Check your local council website. The Covid-19 situation means that there are lots of support options springing up. www.tommys.org/tommys-midwives-blog/domestic-abuse-and-pregnancy

I would definately ask a friend to look after DD, no way would I leave my child with someone who was drinking/drunk all the time. I wouldn't trust them to stay sober when I was away. I grew up in a house where drinking was a daily thing and I hated it, my childhood memories aren't good. Please don't let your children grow up thinking that this is acceptable, it is not. You are not controlling to ask, she is trying to blame you for her own short comings. Honestly, run for the hills. You deserve better

So sorry to hear that. Giving birth is a special and vulnerable time and you need live and support. Is it possible for a family member or friend to collect your daughter and take care of her for a few weeks. The nearer you the better as then they could visit you. Maybe also confide your need to for support as a single parent to your midwife and they may be able to organise some help, home care etc. Also is your child entitled to a school place in the category of a vulnerable pupil? I would see if the midwife could help you with this. Good luck.

The relationship has to end op. I grew up with an alcoholic and it was the most shitty childhood. The atmosphere must be horrible for your dd.

A school friend would look after your dd I'm sure. This is a really awful situation but you are the only one who can make it right and give your kids a shot at a great childhood.

Can you pack up yourself and DD and move to be with family? This relationship sounds v toxic and not good for your DD or impending birth/baby.

How can you trust her to look after your daughter? The stress of being with this person must be awful. For your and your children’s sake do what you need to do to be in a safe and responsible situation.

Does your DD have a good school friend with parents you trust that you could arrange for her to stay with at short notice. It sounds like a better option and I'm sure given the circumstances they'd be happy to help. Definitely not a good long term prospect to start with this partner, they would be more of a hindrance than a help with a new baby in the house, if they carry on like that. How soon could you realistically move out?

If you are really stuck, ring your DDs school, I'm sure they would be able to find a suitable person or would have the best contacts to find someone to help.

Could you speak to your midwife about this ? There is a massive safeguarding issue regarding your daughter being left with two drunks while your in labour for god knows how long, perhaps ring social services for advice. But please do not leave your child in their care.