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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wtf am I meant to do about this?

228 replies

doorjambjam · 13/06/2020 00:27

Well I know I'm not being unreasonable, but posting for traffic I guess.

I'm due to give birth any day now. I'm 39 weeks plus. Got a DD aged 6. My DP has a history of heavy drinking and we've had a lot of trouble regarding this in the past but I thought we were passed it all. DP has been drinking heavily for weeks now (approx 25 units a night, 4-5 nights a week). We've had a huge argument about it lately and she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop.

Her adult DD is staying with us due to lockdown, and the pair of them are drinking yet again. They'll be up until about 4am probably, then knackered tomorrow, DP will sleep until early afternoon. DP is meant to be my birth partner, DSD is meant to be looking after my DD when I'm in hospital. I have no alternative childcsre for this, as my family are 300 miles away and DP's family are working all kinds of shifts in health care, both households have a member working with covid patients and I can't risk DD staying with them and bringing covid home to the baby. Also, she's never stayed there before and both houses have dogs she's scared of.

I'm clearly going to go into labour at some point in the next 2/3 weeks and neither DP nor DSD seem to think they will need to stay sober to deal with this. Tbh, I'll happily go into hospital and birth alone, as I'm so fed up with DP that I don't think our relationship is going to survive this. But I'm worried about leaving DD, if I end up going into labour when they're both pissed.

Like I say, when I suggested quitting the drink, I just got called controlling. I know in the long run I need to leave. I'm just worried about the giving birth bit.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 13/06/2020 03:00

This is so shitty of her. It’s like she knows you’re unable to do anything about her behaviour right now so she’s doing as she likes. Because you’re so vulnerable. Awful. Get out as soon as you can. Hopefully she won’t have any legal rights to your baby?

INeedNewShoes · 13/06/2020 04:24

I know the immediate worry is someone to look after DD but just as big a worry and equally as urgent is that it absolutely is not safe to bring a newborn home into this situation. As someone upthread says, these people are rarely sober with the amount they are drinking. Their judgment will be hugely impaired and they won't be in a fit state to be left alone with the baby.

I think you have two options. One is to move out in the next few days (I know this sounds impossible but even if it means a 300 mile journey to be with family) or your DP and the daughter must move out.

You need help with this and you need to seek it before you go into labour. I know it's scary but I think you need professional help and talking to your midwife will be a good start. They are used to working through situations like this and you being able to take the new baby home to a safe environment will be their priority.

CJsGoldfish · 13/06/2020 04:30

I would drive to my family, no question. I would let them know and they would help me plan it. Probably meet me half way.
I would not expose my child to this one more day, let alone risk the position she may be put in when you go into labour.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2020 04:33

Who owns the home?

GinasWig · 13/06/2020 04:40

How worrying for you! Please reconsider who can come and look after your daughter, there must be someone else. As pp said like your family to drive TO you.

GinasWig · 13/06/2020 04:40

Family would sleep on the floor if needed, come on.

FelicityPike · 13/06/2020 04:49

I agree with @ProfessorSillyStuff

DameHannahRelf · 13/06/2020 05:18

I agree you either need to move out or move these two assholes out. That would a terrible enviroment for a baby to be in, and can't be pleasant for your dd either Sad but your dp clearly doesn't give a shit "she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop". She is the selfish one op, couldn't care less that you're pregnant and trying to get ready for the birth/reality of life with a newborn.

And the adding snide comments to the shopping list "a personality" , "a life" Hmm, what do you see in this person, that you aren't running for the hills already??

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/06/2020 06:00

@ProfessorSillyStuff

First, call your midwife and tell her exactly what you said here. When she arrives the two of you should call the police, tell them you are experiencing coercive control and want an occupation order and a non molestation order. and have the two of them removed.

Then a social worker can be assigned to watch your 6yo dd while you are birthing and support for afterwards. You can't bring a newborn home to that love. You'll end up losing both your kids. Be strong, be safe, but do it soon.

Please do this. This environment is damaging your dd already. Flowers
Fatted · 13/06/2020 06:13

@ProfessorSillyStuff the police cannot obtain an occupation order or a non molestation order. The police will turn up, arrest them and the you will have the added stress of giving statements and DP in custody to add to the list of worries.

I would recommend speaking to your MW though. She will be able to put you in touch with social services or get you some support.

SimonJT · 13/06/2020 06:22

It is an offence to be in charge of a child as young as six while drunk. I worry that if you leave your six year old in their care and know that they are likely to drink it could be turned around and used against you.

Would you be able to go to your families home and stay with them?

Immigrantsong · 13/06/2020 06:27

OP please follow the advice professor sillystaff gave you. You owe it to your DD and baby. This has to be done now before you have the baby and sleep deprivation to deal with as well. Please put your children first.

bythehairsonmychinichinchin · 13/06/2020 06:34

Unfortunately your MW can’t do much other than speak to social services if there’s safeguarding concerns.

I’d speak to women’s aid or refuge to see if they can offer any practical help.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 13/06/2020 06:37

You've said it's maybe 2/3 weeks until due date. I know it's the last thing you want to be stressing about right now but I think it will be easier on you if you leave now.

Could a family member come down to pick you, DD, and plenty of your stuff to take 300 miles back to them? You don't want the worry of DD safety during labour. You don't want to bring back baby to this kind of environment. You don't want to be recovering from birth without support from decent human beings.

Talk to a trusted family member. See if they can help you get out.

In the meantime, absolutely speak to your midwife. Best of luck x

bythehairsonmychinichinchin · 13/06/2020 06:40

More info about Non molestation and occupation orders:

There are two main types of civil orders for women experiencing domestic abuse. Non-molestation orders can prevent your abuser from using or threatening violence, intimidating, harassing, or pestering you. An occupation order can exclude your abuser from the home you share; sometimes your abuser will have to continue to pay the rent or mortgage. You can get both orders at the same time if needed. Occupation Orders can be difficult to obtain and generally a ‘high level’ of domestic abuse is required.

www.refuge.org.uk/legal-help/

speakout · 13/06/2020 06:41

*First, call your midwife and tell her exactly what you said here. When she arrives the two of you should call the police, tell them you are experiencing coercive control and want an occupation order and a non molestation order. and have the two of them removed.

Then a social worker can be assigned to watch your 6yo dd while you are birthing and support for afterwards. You can't bring a newborn home to that love. You'll end up losing both your kids. Be strong, be safe, but do it soon.*

Great advice.

bythehairsonmychinichinchin · 13/06/2020 06:45

Then a social worker can be assigned to watch your 6yo dd while you are birthing and support for afterwards no a social worker will not be assigned to watch a child whilst a woman labours, the child will go into emergency foster care if there are safeguarding concerns, social services aren’t baby sitting services.

Wecandothis99 · 13/06/2020 06:48

Def a horrible situation but not sure it's a police matter! I'm so sorry OP, awful time for you to have extra stress. Whatever you decide, remember that little baby will be all that matters (along with your DD) soon and they will bring a lot of joy!

BatShite · 13/06/2020 07:19

Oh how horrible for you. I have no advice really besides maybe you ca see if someone else wuld be a suitable birthing partner? I know thats not the answer but you need support. I see you acknowledge that you need to leave..I know it sounds scary, but honestly i would leave her now. She clearly des not respect you or even care about you. Really sorry OP, what an awful time to find this out.

My 'advice' would be leave asap and go no contact to be quite honest. You cannot bring a baby into a house like that, and you are never going to feel safe or happy while this is still going on.

BatShite · 13/06/2020 07:20

So sorry..I posted before reading the whole thread. So stuck my nose in without knowing full story.

TryingToBeBold · 13/06/2020 07:23

Unless you have a difficult relationship with your family.. call them. They can meet you. People can sleep on the floor. The sofa.

As for Covid.. you are more likely to catch it and be sick than the baby or DD.

Please call them and leave.

BashStreetKid · 13/06/2020 07:30

@doorjambjam

I'm going to have to try to talk to them again tomorrow, and really guilt trip the pair of twats into it.
But even if you do this there is no guarantee that they won't start drinking the moment your back is turned.

If you can't get a friend to look after your daughter, you need to contact social services urgently to get foster care put in place. You also need to contact Women's Aid for advice on getting these two out of the house.

birdling · 13/06/2020 07:31

If you throw your partner and her daughter out, there will be room for your own family to stay with you.
Please get rid of those horrible women, you need support and they are the worst support you could have.
Hugs to you Flowers

LittleMG · 13/06/2020 07:35

Talk to your midwife they should be able to help with things like this as your child will be at risk if u leave

Allnamesaregone · 13/06/2020 07:36

Your DP is an alcoholic. No amount of persuasion is going to stop the drinking. She needs to move out ASAP.