Wtf am I meant to do about this?

[doorjambjam]

Well I know I'm not being unreasonable, but posting for traffic I guess.

I'm due to give birth any day now. I'm 39 weeks plus. Got a DD aged 6. My DP has a history of heavy drinking and we've had a lot of trouble regarding this in the past but I thought we were passed it all. DP has been drinking heavily for weeks now (approx 25 units a night, 4-5 nights a week). We've had a huge argument about it lately and she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop.

Her adult DD is staying with us due to lockdown, and the pair of them are drinking yet again. They'll be up until about 4am probably, then knackered tomorrow, DP will sleep until early afternoon. DP is meant to be my birth partner, DSD is meant to be looking after my DD when I'm in hospital. I have no alternative childcsre for this, as my family are 300 miles away and DP's family are working all kinds of shifts in health care, both households have a member working with covid patients and I can't risk DD staying with them and bringing covid home to the baby. Also, she's never stayed there before and both houses have dogs she's scared of.

I'm clearly going to go into labour at some point in the next 2/3 weeks and neither DP nor DSD seem to think they will need to stay sober to deal with this. Tbh, I'll happily go into hospital and birth alone, as I'm so fed up with DP that I don't think our relationship is going to survive this. But I'm worried about leaving DD, if I end up going into labour when they're both pissed.

Like I say, when I suggested quitting the drink, I just got called controlling. I know in the long run I need to leave. I'm just worried about the giving birth bit.

@doorjambjam are you OK OP?

If you’re really stuck call social services. They will put your dd with a foster carer while you’re in hospital.
If you leave your dd with these two you will also be seen as culpable if anything happens.
A good social worker will work with you to keep your child safe.

Hope you are ok OP. An alcoholic will always put their own needs first. Pull the plug asap on this relationship as it is toxic for you and your children. Have a home birth, partner gone, or seek immediate help from family or a friend to care for DD. Best wishes.

Hope you're ok op. This isn't what you need right now. I don't think you will be in a better place to deal with this situation with a six year old and a newborn.

Talk to your midwife ASAP. Then they can help you make a plan. They will involve SS but you’d be encouraged to find care for your DD with a trusted family member or friend. A school friend or neighbour would be fine. (Lockdown allows for emergency care).

Your relationship is dead in the water. Think carefully about what is best, to either leave yourself or get them to go. SS are very unlikely to be ok with them staying.

If they could go you might want to consider a home birth if your pregnancy and history are all normal. That could potentially mean your DD could be back with you (or sleep straight through) with very little disruption. Whatever happens you are going to have to cope alone after the birth.

On that note, plan now. Get lots of extremely easy meals lined up, stuff to entertain your DD while you rest and recover and as much provision in as possible so you don’t have to rely on anyone else.

It will be tough but actually probably easier than the stress you are living with now. Depending on a lot of information I don’t have, it’s frequently the case that second babies are very straightforward and mothers recover quite quickly. A good week or so of resting will pay huge dividends so don’t try to rush into being super mother and you’ll be back to normal much more quickly.

Best wishes. Please talk to your midwife very soon.

I agree that you should start taking steps to get them out, and tell you midwife / HV as soon as you can.

If they were gone, then perhaps a home birth would work?

Aside from everything else you have said, writing horrible remarks on a shopping list? What a bitch! You deserve so much more op

Could the midwife or health visitor arrange a very temporary emergency foster carer? no a HV or MW can only make a safeguarding referral to social services they have no involvement with foster carers, social services are the ones that deal with foster carers.

So I've spoken to a friend, who said she'll be willing to look after DD when I give birth, if needs be. As someone pointed out, DP doesn't drink every night, and I know if she hasn't had any when I go into labour, she won't suddenly start drinking. DSD doesn't drink as heavily. She's babysat her sister in the past, last summer, and won't drink when doing that. My concern is that they're already pissed when labour starts.

DP is my civil partner so does go on the birth certificate, but I doubt she'd fight anything if I left. We jointly own the house and I know what I entitled to, though she once told me she wouldn't give me a penny from the house sale. Her reasoning was that she pays the mortgage payments. Though our arrangement was I bought food (for us, her 3 kids and our joint child) and she paid mortgage and council tax - roughly equal sums. She thinks that the house is hers because the mortgage comes out of her bank account. I know I'm entitled to half, so I'm not concerned it's just that this attitude does demonstrate how little she thinks of my financial contribution.

To those saying leave now - leaving after I've actually got things sorted is far easier. A newborn won't hinder me, and I can't take all my belongings now and leave. I'm not concerned about the safety of the baby when I return - I'll be sober and safe and I'll be looking after her. I need the time to plan what I'm doing, pack up things and decide whether I'm moving out and staying in the area, or moving back to my family. I need time to talk to my parents about this decision as they'll need to help me in the interim while I'm sorting it out.

Thanks for all the replies, DP does make me feel like I'm the one making a fuss over nothing, that she's an adult who can make her own decisions about her behaviour. I'm coming to realise she's right - but I don't have to put up with it. I'm not going to nag her to change any more, I've had years of this off and on, and I can't do it any more. I'm just going to leave her and she can drink every night then if she wants, without this joyless old nag holding her back. Her choice.

Glad you’ve got a friend who can help look after your DD, re your partner doing on the birth certificate looking at this it doesn’t sound like you are obligated to add her, however they can go and register the baby with out you....

www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

If you feel unsafe at home please contact women’s aid, refuge or speak to your MW. Hope everything works out ok

She won't register the baby without me. She's the least proactive person in the world. And she goes on the birth certificate to the same regulations as a married father - I know from last time.

Good luck, glad you have a plan B in case she lets you down, and that you can think your options through with family. Enjoy your dd and your new baby x

Op it's certainly more complex when you jointly own the house. In Scotland your given a slip from the hospital that you take to the registrar I'd keep that slip safe and you can decide if you want to add her name or not to the birth cert.

Its amazing that she is able to hold a job down with the amount of drinking she is doing. Will either of you be able to buy the other out the house?

I could afford mortgage payments but probably wouldn't qualify for a mortgage in my own. And I can't afford her share of the equity, unless my parents helped me. And tbh, the house is too big. It's 5 bedroom and I want max 3. She can't afford to pay me off either. We'll sell. Which is one of the reasons I want to stick around to sort things out rather than move right now.

Makes sense. Are you going to get in touch with a divorce lawyer soon? Do you think she'll fight for custody of either child?

Oh I apologise OP - I misread and thought your partner was male.

Your update does change things - if the house is joint BUT she would be problematic re a sale - then no, if you are safe then it probably IS better to stay where you have much, much more leverage to force a sale.

Not a chance she'll fight for custody. She might want some visits but I'll be careful about overnights. Will obviously get advice on that and I have some evidence of drinking that I can use.

Can you make an appointment with divorce lawyers at the moment?

Overnight stays with an slcoholic. Absolutely not. You need to get this poisonous abuser out of your life. What a selfish person.

To be brutally frank, I don't think ss will be as helpful as they might be if you don't tell them what is going on. You need them on your side.

I'd think you probably can get appointments with divorce lawyers. Probably distanced via zoom or whatever but yes they will still be working. And yes get as much evidence of the drinking.

Yes, you can certainly get appointments with divorce lawyers.

Lawyers regularly do phone meetings. Earlier this year I had such a meeting as my lawyer of choice was too far away.

I think you’re incredible and so strong. You and your two children will thrive.

No suggestion just wanted to say I'm so sorry your in this position. Your DP and DSD sound incredibly selfish & immature and you sound like you need out.

First step call your midwife and share what you have shared on Mumsnet with your midwife. Next step, ideally with your midwife, is to contact the police who should help you put an occupation order and a non molestation in place. Get your partner and her adult daughter removed pronto.

In the absence of family or friends the social worker can be assigned to watch your 6 year old daughter and support you after the birth. If you have a social worker attached you could get your 6 year old daughter into school under the valuable children’s category during Covid-19 /Coronavirus !

Be strong and build a brighter future for your daughter and your newborn. Do it now, quickly and safely! Very best of luck ...

Does DD have a school friend whose family you trust? That might be a good option so you know she is somewhere safe while you give birth.

If you are brave enough I second the advice given by ProfessorSillyStuff