Wtf am I meant to do about this?

[doorjambjam]

Well I know I'm not being unreasonable, but posting for traffic I guess.

I'm due to give birth any day now. I'm 39 weeks plus. Got a DD aged 6. My DP has a history of heavy drinking and we've had a lot of trouble regarding this in the past but I thought we were passed it all. DP has been drinking heavily for weeks now (approx 25 units a night, 4-5 nights a week). We've had a huge argument about it lately and she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop.

Her adult DD is staying with us due to lockdown, and the pair of them are drinking yet again. They'll be up until about 4am probably, then knackered tomorrow, DP will sleep until early afternoon. DP is meant to be my birth partner, DSD is meant to be looking after my DD when I'm in hospital. I have no alternative childcsre for this, as my family are 300 miles away and DP's family are working all kinds of shifts in health care, both households have a member working with covid patients and I can't risk DD staying with them and bringing covid home to the baby. Also, she's never stayed there before and both houses have dogs she's scared of.

I'm clearly going to go into labour at some point in the next 2/3 weeks and neither DP nor DSD seem to think they will need to stay sober to deal with this. Tbh, I'll happily go into hospital and birth alone, as I'm so fed up with DP that I don't think our relationship is going to survive this. But I'm worried about leaving DD, if I end up going into labour when they're both pissed.

Like I say, when I suggested quitting the drink, I just got called controlling. I know in the long run I need to leave. I'm just worried about the giving birth bit.

A married father is not automatically put on the birth certificate, so I don’t see that a civil partner would be either. Once you are married/civil partnered either partner can register the birth without the other present. It’s not obligatory to put your spouse on the birth certificate though. What if for example you had been separated for years and had a baby with someone else but we’re still legally married/partnered? You can put just yourself.

Definitely go with what ProfessorSillyStuff said. To the letter. Don't think about it just do it. Now. Good luck....

Is DD's biological father involved? Could you ask him for help?

You need help & not from them. It is pointless speaking to an alcoholic who sees no harm in their drinking.
Get you, your DD and your baby away from them.
My DH was “raised” by an alcoholic parent and the childhood he had shouldn’t be inflicted on anyone.
I hope your DP changes but while you are allowing this to happen it’s very doubtful.
I’m sorry to sound so negative but your DP has a massive problem, please try not to make it your children’s problem too
Good luck.

Good luck to you. Get out as quickly and safely as possible!

You need to ask for help to get out of this relationship if you can't do it alone. As someone else has said, the thought of leaving your little child alone with somebody who is clearly unable to look after her properly, should be the catalyst you need to leave this relationship.

It sounds as thought they're not going to stop drinking.

In our area (Northamptonshire) there is a charity called Family Support Link who are specifically there for families who have an alcohol drugs problem. They are funded by Northants County Council.
Try to see if there is a similar organisation near you. Admittedly Northants is unusual, but you might be lucky

You could try your local county council drugs/alcohol team.

If all else fails go to GP, he/she might be able to help.

Professor silly stuff , perfect answer.

Glad you have someone to have ur daughter. What a mess 😩

Develop 'contractions'..... Braxton Hicks are possible ( just steer them away from those thoughts). Get everyone a little on edge to bring the reality home a bit. Then proceed as normal. If they're sober at the time point out how gratefull you were they'd be ready on hand had labour started at that moment. If they were pissed or recovering then once the 'panic' is over and they're alert point out how detrimental it would've been if you had gone into labour in the state they were in. You pick the moment to act out the scenario. Hopefully they will be thankful they'll get to do it right once the real thing happens.

I think the covid risk is less than the risk of DP being too pissed to look after your child when you go into labour. I'd suggest, packing a bag and going to your family. So sorry you're going through this

Totally with Professorsillystuff on this one! My former MIL was an emergency foster mum for kids in predicaments like this. She would look after them just for a couple of days until their mum was home from hospital. She used to spoil them rotten!

• First, call your midwife and tell her exactly what you said here. When she arrives the two of you should call the police, tell them you are experiencing coercive control and want an occupation order and a non molestation order. and have the two of them removed.

Then a social worker can be assigned to watch your 6yo dd while you are birthing and support for afterwards. You can't bring a newborn home to that love. You'll end up losing both your kids. Be strong, be safe, but do it soon.*
This. Your DP is an abusive alcoholic and this is not a safe environment for your children. I’m a midwife and would 100% recommend reaching out to the midwives. They will put you in contact with the safeguarding team and make a plan ASAP.

You sound a very sensible woman. I had fertility tratment with my now ex partner and I chose not to put him on the birth certificate. It is your choice when you go to register. However, I did say it was a sperm donation, that way they didnt ask again. There are plenty smaller properties, even shared ownership that you could go for with a small amount if cash. Please come on here and tell us when your new baby arrives. You will overcome this and be stronger yet again! Sadly people with an alcohol problem are like they are possessed. She needs help but before she will accept it she will have to admit it. Make a plan B and C! Where do you live btw? I live in Derby and I know its 300 miles to Edinburgh. I have done that journey pregnant and its not that bad! But we are all different and I think you are right in staying as for your share of house. Stay safe.....x

What everyone rests really. Except if it doesn’t work then I suggest you get things organised for your daughter. Show her how to make beans on toast in mircowave and sandwiches. I was out on 6 hours for 2nd birth I’ll pray that you have an easy delivery and healthy baby. But really I think I’d be chancing a train with a suitcase tomorrow.
Good luck and lots of love. The next year be tough but it get better and you deserve better xx

FGS go to your family ASAP.

Op, you sound very sorted, well done to you.

I just wanted to flag up that in many areas of the UK there is a charity called Safe Families. It works alongside Social services (and is contracted to provide services by the council) It supports families who are not at risk or in need of SS involvement, but need a helping hand.

One common thing they do is to do the equivalent of foster care for older kids of single mums giving birth, or while mum needs a hospital stay for some reason.

In this context, they would help with your dd when you went into labour.
(it is all properly trained and DBS checked etc etc)

Schoolfriend's mum sounds good to me - any halfway nice person would be happy to help. Or a friend of yours that you trust.

But I am wondering if you have told your family about the relationship breakdown and drinking? If you were my daughter I would be there in six hours to take you and your daughter home. I really think that's where you need to be right now - where you can be supported and know your daughter is safe and cared for.

The roads are pretty empty, so even if you did go into labour on the way, your parents could pull over and call an ambulance for you. I almost think what hospital you go to at this point doesn't matter - you never see the same midwife twice anyway. I think it matters more that you can give birth and start life with your new baby in a place where you know you and your children and safe and cared for.

Also want to echo @toinfinityandlockdown and hope you can avoid putting this wackadoodle on your baby's birth certificate.

You CAN NOT leave your 6yr old daughter there when you go into labour. Also not a good atmosphere for your daughter to be in at ,all not just when you go into labour.
There is help out there and you must seek it URGENTLY, for peace of mind not only for you, your daughter must be scared to death.
Speak with your mid wife/doctor/social workers/ ect you need help now! you can not place your daughter at the last minute somewhere better you sort it now. Your partner sounds like a twat, time to go sorry to say.

I’m so sorry you’re going thorough this - it’s incredibly stressful for you at this time. Maybe she’s regretting her decisions to have this child with you?

300 miles can easily be done in a day, could you not ask a Family member to drive down and get you both? If you have to stop to give birth, there will be a hospital in close proximity.

Only you can decide what’s right for you but giving birth in such a negative situation whilst worrying about your daughter cannot be good for any of you x

You've had lots of good advice.

Speak to your family 1st: they may be 300 miles away but I'm sure they'd be horrified and would come and get you?

If not, go with @ProfessorSillyStuff suggestion.

Best of luck. Xx

Your partner and SD are clearly alcoholic. I am glad you want to get out. Its so difficult for you with the situation

I also suggest talking to Womens Aid emergency services as they will beable to help

These services will also be helpful to you too longterm and good luck

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I think I would state the obvious , I'd say that unless she sobers up I'll leave her , because the pair of them are being irresponsible twats , you thought you were past the heavy drinking stage, and that she has broken your trust and that you would rather give birth alone and stay alone . And that you are not comfortable leaving your dd when she is frankly (sorry I'm assuming your partners female as you said "she" and so are you...) acting like a petulant child , and you are just about to have one a certainly don't need am adult that behaves like one too when you've got the stress of a new baby and you'll be in tremendous pain when u give birth and you certainly don't need to be nursing a pissed woman and the nurses need their attention to be on you.

Move your family in , do not leave your child with the pair of them or beg someone to have her from school but please don't leave your child with an alcoholic. I know you can a ) be charged for being drunk in charge of a minor and b) not only that , you can be charged for child neglect if anything happens to your dd if you knowingly leave your dd in the care of someone who is not capable and something happens . I'm not trying to scare you , or force you into early labour (!) but you need to know this . In addition, I'm sure nothing that bad would happen , but these are things you could also use in your argument with your oh...

I know it's the sun and its considered crap by some but this article summarises it well & this is important to know, especially as your partner may sometimes "be in charge of a young child under the age of 7":
www.google.com/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/3992628/drinking-alcohol-around-children-drunk-illegal-uk-law/amp/
I used to work in an admin position in a safeguarding role for many years and I am advising you this because I think forewarned is forewarned.....