Wtf am I meant to do about this?

[doorjambjam]

Well I know I'm not being unreasonable, but posting for traffic I guess.

I'm due to give birth any day now. I'm 39 weeks plus. Got a DD aged 6. My DP has a history of heavy drinking and we've had a lot of trouble regarding this in the past but I thought we were passed it all. DP has been drinking heavily for weeks now (approx 25 units a night, 4-5 nights a week). We've had a huge argument about it lately and she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop.

Her adult DD is staying with us due to lockdown, and the pair of them are drinking yet again. They'll be up until about 4am probably, then knackered tomorrow, DP will sleep until early afternoon. DP is meant to be my birth partner, DSD is meant to be looking after my DD when I'm in hospital. I have no alternative childcsre for this, as my family are 300 miles away and DP's family are working all kinds of shifts in health care, both households have a member working with covid patients and I can't risk DD staying with them and bringing covid home to the baby. Also, she's never stayed there before and both houses have dogs she's scared of.

I'm clearly going to go into labour at some point in the next 2/3 weeks and neither DP nor DSD seem to think they will need to stay sober to deal with this. Tbh, I'll happily go into hospital and birth alone, as I'm so fed up with DP that I don't think our relationship is going to survive this. But I'm worried about leaving DD, if I end up going into labour when they're both pissed.

Like I say, when I suggested quitting the drink, I just got called controlling. I know in the long run I need to leave. I'm just worried about the giving birth bit.

OK I'm have to write my post again.. i have issues with this old school tiny posting box....

So one I have done this myself, not while heavily pregnant but with a 1 year old and a 2 year old. and 2 my sister worked with social services prebirth team for many years. They won't put your daughter in care, they'll just sort an emergency Foster carer. Your daughter will be returned as soon as you're home and on your feet.

No, the police don't issue court order. They issue emergency injunction and do a risk assessment to access protection for you while the court issues the orders.

I'm kinda assuming moving to family will come with its own set of problems such as overcrowding, uprooting, transporting a ton of baby stuff, possible confrontation upon said removal of stuff from the property, so you'd probably end up phoning police anyway?

I chose the route I did because I didn't want my kids sleeping in travel cots in my sisters home which was already full. There would've been four adults and 2 kids living in a 2 bed with none of our possessions. So I forced him out instead, while my kids were sleeping.
The only thing I wish is that his name wasn't their second name and that he wasn't on their birth certificates. However, he hasn't bothered us for over a year now.

I'd be finding a new birth partner and childcare.
Then I'd be leaving dp who is clearly not suitable to have a child with.
What on earth made you think this was an environment to raise a child.

If you separate now you will have a few week to gather yourself together and be ready for the baby. Hoping they will be sober for the birth period is not going to help you in the weeks after the birth.

It would be so much harder - probably nigh on impossible - to have to deal with 2 alchies in the house while you have a new baby and a 6 year old to deal with. You will get little help and not much sleep.

I would get them out of the house as soon as you can and then turn to family for help.
If family really cant help you will have to throw yourself on the mercy of DDs friends parents for a very short time. But family who can stay for several days would be the best solution obviously.

This is a very, very dangerous situation. You can't leave your child with a drunk. It would be far safer to drive 300 miles home right now. Get out of this situation immediately. This is a crisis. Do whatever you have to do to get out of this situation. You are at maximum danger.

Please, please, please don't leave you dd with them. It is very dangerous. You know that. Either get them out or get out yourself. Do whatever you have to to be safe.

If you have a local area Facebook page ask if anyone has accommodation. You're saying there is nowhere for your relatives to rent but I know on our local page there are always people asking for accommodation near the hospital, for nurses, etc. If you posted that you need somewhere for your birth partner to stay or for your family support to stay whilst you are in labour, there will probably be a number of options available.
Tbh inviting your family to stay now is probably the best option. Your DP won't want your family to see how irresponsible they're being so it will either prompt your DP to step up or to leave. Don't tell your DP that your relative is coming as they'll try to talk you out of it.

Friends?

After my mom passed and I decided to have kids alone, I had friends watch my older kid(s) and another friend was my birth coach (same friend for both babies... She was amazing). Especially a friend who would be understanding of the situation with your soon to be ex partner?

I'd be off.

You aren't married are you ? I don't think she'll have any rights to your baby if not .......leave. put your existing child and new baby first.

Seriously OP I can see why you are focused on the birth, and it is a huge problem, but in reality the bigger problems come after it, when you're coping with a newborn and a drunken abusive arse you refused to let be at the birth.

Please leave asap.

Devlesko less of the victim blaming please. Go take a crash course on coercive control.

If it were me and I know that this is not ideal I would take DC and drive to your family x

Alternatively could you look up local childminders? X

You need to find somewhere else for you and your DD6 to live, what an awful home life for your daughter. Don’t leave your DD alone with them especially if they aren’t sober. Can you reconsider moving the 300miles? Everybody needs to be safe.

@ProfessorSillyStuff good advice but unfortunately social workers are not babysitters. They will support OP to explore her options re childcare but there will not be a social worker looking after her DD when she is labouring.

Honestly, I'd pack and take my dd and drive the 300 miles, a few hours, to family and stay there for the next couple of months until everything was sorted. Leave now and you will be there tonight, roads should be quieter than normal.

If you dp can't support you now, their drink habits will never change. Your only other alternative and to do what you are doing now, stay, put up with it and let you dd be impacted by it.

Really isn't a choice is there? Go now, today.

I'd go to my family. Having to drive 300 miles isn't the best, but it can be done. Would there be an option to break the trip partway and stay in a hotel? Or is there a possibility of a family member coming to you via train/bus/air and then driving you in your car?

It's not safe nor healthy to stay where you are. You need calm and peace right now and you're getting neither.

What's your housing situation? Are you legally able to make your dp leave?

Another one saying please leave ASAP. It’s difficult now but it will feel insurmountable when you’re exhausted and sore with a tiny baby. 💐

Another saying go go go! Leaving and heading to your family may be your best option.

Is there a neighbour/friend/ex work colleague nearby who you trust to look after your DD when the time comes? Im so sorry to read this sounds really stressful for you

Have you considered a home birth? It might be worth talking to your midwife about and discussing that you are unable to find suitable childcare for your DD. Also obviously be honest with the midwife as to why so they know what situation they may be dealing with regarding your DP’s drinking. They may agree to the home delivery but want two midwives for the whole labour rather than just two at the end.
Otherwise could you temporarily move in with family even if it means moving away for a short while?
Good luck OP.

Personally I would be looking at moving back to family if possible as you will have worse problems when the baby is actually born. How will you be able to keep the baby safe with your DP drinking that many units?

Is it possible someone from your family can drive a hire van to you, pick you, your dd and your stuff and take it back to your hometown? That's if you have that much stuff. Or even just drive a car here and pick you all up.

Could the midwife or health visitor arrange a very temporary emergency foster carer?

I honestly can't imagine HVs being willing to do a home birth with two drunks and a small child.
Bearing in mind even with a homebirth things can go wrong and either mum or baby might still need hospital care.

I think SS would be more willing to help if Op had left / was making clear steps to leave.

Could you imagine asking SS for help because DH can't be trusted. They'd be massive eyebrows raised.

Op I think I'd stick to your pals, DDs friends mums, but the best option is getting out of there and home to your family if possible.