Wtf am I meant to do about this?

[doorjambjam]

Well I know I'm not being unreasonable, but posting for traffic I guess.

I'm due to give birth any day now. I'm 39 weeks plus. Got a DD aged 6. My DP has a history of heavy drinking and we've had a lot of trouble regarding this in the past but I thought we were passed it all. DP has been drinking heavily for weeks now (approx 25 units a night, 4-5 nights a week). We've had a huge argument about it lately and she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop.

Her adult DD is staying with us due to lockdown, and the pair of them are drinking yet again. They'll be up until about 4am probably, then knackered tomorrow, DP will sleep until early afternoon. DP is meant to be my birth partner, DSD is meant to be looking after my DD when I'm in hospital. I have no alternative childcsre for this, as my family are 300 miles away and DP's family are working all kinds of shifts in health care, both households have a member working with covid patients and I can't risk DD staying with them and bringing covid home to the baby. Also, she's never stayed there before and both houses have dogs she's scared of.

I'm clearly going to go into labour at some point in the next 2/3 weeks and neither DP nor DSD seem to think they will need to stay sober to deal with this. Tbh, I'll happily go into hospital and birth alone, as I'm so fed up with DP that I don't think our relationship is going to survive this. But I'm worried about leaving DD, if I end up going into labour when they're both pissed.

Like I say, when I suggested quitting the drink, I just got called controlling. I know in the long run I need to leave. I'm just worried about the giving birth bit.

i see they dont drinking every single night , which is a positive.

Missed the bit about the abusive messages. What a nasty twisted piece of work. Surely you don't want a child growing up with somebody like that.

You leave. Right now. Phone your parents or any friend and explain the situation. If you were my friend -you'd be here and I'd phone the local GP surgery. Why would you leave a child in the care of a drunk? If the house or flat is your name only -remove her and change the locks.

Tell them both that they have to leave today as you need the space in your home for an adult to stay with you look after your daughter and support you.
If you can not find someone to look after your daughter your midwife will help.
Please do not put this off.

Awful situation and you have received some great advice on here. I don't understand why you won't just let someone pick you and your dd up and drive to your family. It's 300 miles not 3 million. Just do that. It will uncomfortable for a few hours but worth it to have childcare for your dd and a safe, non-abusive environment to bring your dd home to.

I would ring your family. They might come and get Dd then when you have had the baby come and get you.

Ask for support via your midwife OP. This isn’t good for you, your unborn baby or your DC. Please please tell the midwife everything so that she can support you. Social services could help to re house you in the first instance. Or help you to remove partner as her DD ad their behaviour is damaging for your DC. Good luck.

Then a social worker can be assigned to watch your 6yo dd while you are birthing and support for afterwards

Is that what would happen these days, @ProfessorSillyStuff?

I only ask because I used to know someone who was an emergency foster carer, and she sometimes had children placed with her because they couldn't be left safely with the other parent while their mother was having another baby or having in-patient treatment.

This sounds really difficult.

Does your DD have a close friend that you could ask for childcare? Or you could try the bubble babysitting app or ask on a facebook group for emergency childcare that you and DD could meet before you go into labour.

I would be worried about a drunken partner turning up in the hospital as well as it would (rightly) flag safeguarding concerns so do ensure your DD is somewhere safe.

What are you going to do after the birth? Have you got some support?

That's a lot of alcohol Op. Who is funding it? Also, is your Dp enthused by the pregnancy or does she see this as your baby and not hers?

I’d make the drive this weekend tbh. Alert your family and maybe someone could meet you half way to follow you back. The longer you leave it, the less easy it’ll be to do it.
I left my husband a few weeks before my due date. He got his shit together so it can shock someone into action. I was prepared to be a single mum. Being around an alcoholic is not good for your dc, good luck.

CAnt your family come and collect you and you go and stay there

OP I know you’re concerned about the right here right now, but what about the imminent future when the baby is born?

You do not need to be around two heavy drinkers whilst you’re recovering from labour and while your tiny baby is finally here.

Taking a 300 mile journey now, to be with your family, is far less risky than bringing a new born into such a chaotic home life.

For the sake of your DD and new baby and importantly YOU, please plan to LTB.

That is outrageous behaviour and so selfish I can't even get my head around it.

If your family can drive, I'd say they should come and

a) Collect you and DD. 300 miles isn't too awful. What is it, about 5 hours plus breaks? Worth it to eliminate stress.
b) Stay with you. Could they order a camping mat or cheapy mattress and sleep in DD's room?

This all sounds very stressful. Hope your birth goes well and you recover easily !

Apologies in advance if I come across as ignorant OP but does your DP have any legal rights or biological connection to your baby? Or to your DD?
If not then I would honestly urge you to get away from her. I know you know it's the right thing to do but the thought of a heavy drinker and a newborn is just a really bad accident waiting to happen.

Why do alcoholics mistake addiction for personality.

Pack up you and your daughter and go to your family

Call your family and arrange a way to get there as soon as you can. Dd being safe during labour is main priority, you need support if none locally and you have support at home risk the 300 mile journey asap.

So sorry that you have this stress going on at this time, OP.

You cannot change your partner, sadly. If you have explained how her drinking is affecting you and she won't change, then all you can do is change your own situation.

What would your ideal situation look like? (Given that partner won't stop drinking). Does your partner's daughter have somewhere else to live, and could they both go there? In your situation, I would follow the advice above and talk to the MW, I'd make a list of people that I trust and work through them to find appropriate care for your daughter. I'd do the same for my birthing partner. I'd ask partner and daughter to go somewhere else for now, while they won't address the drinking. Do you feel that you are in an abusive relationship? If so, there are organisations that can help.

This should be a special time for you, and I really hope that you pull in as much support as you need to make it so.

Honestly it's not ideal but the only reasonable answer here is to leave, ASAP, go to your family.

You could be another 2-3 WEEKS before giving birth.

Then it's not just actually the giving birth bit. Yes you could get a school friend to mind your DD. But then your drunken shit of a partner and his equally awful DD create absolute havoc - him about not being let into the delivery room, her about her dad and he being denied access to you/baby/ the delivery. They have no respect or consdieration for you now, you think they're not gonig to make your life hell not only while you labour and deliver but afterwards - when you need support and care to recover and care for the baby?

I honestly would not be as worried about the birth itself as the havoc you standing up for yourself around the delivery would cause and the effect of living with these two just after the birth.

So you get through the birth, you're left with a drunken abusive partner hating you for banning him from the birth.

You're left with looking after both a newborn and a 6 year old because the two other adults in the house are drunks who had no respect for you before but now hate you because them/their dad wasn't allowed to be your birthing partner.

If you decide to register the baby with your surname (and you absolutely should, I wouldn't even put him on the BC) - you've got another 2 on 1 battle there.

Can you imagine the difference in doing the newborn weeks in peace and quiet with a lovely supportive family making your DD feel secure and helping out with keeping her happy and engaged and doing schoolwork etc while you establish breatfeeding and get rest etc, compared with you doing it all amid an atmosphere of drunken rows, noise and shit and passive aggressive digs from your SD, all the while with them also drunkenly muscling in when it suits on wanting a piece of the baby 'MY DAUGHTER!' 'MY SISTER!' and you trying to look after both DD and baby without any help at all?

Just GO GO GO while you are still mobile and can do so because you don't have a newborn stuck to you permanently - please!

Foster care is a last resort in all situations...it is a better option here than a currently mentally unstable person who regualrly, multiple times each week, drinks 25 standard drinks per session. And her alcoholic binge drinking partner daughter.

A stranger at the bus stop would be a better punt. That's how bad this is.

Contact social services for an urgent temporary placement (for the birth) if you really don't have the ability to get family to you urgently.

Does this women have any legal rights to either of your children? Are you legally married? Is the house in her name? If no, no, and no, have the police remove her urgently.

What a selfish cow she is.

OP get rid, straight away. Go to your family.

The stress you are feeling now will treble once you have a newborn in the house to safeguard from their pathetic binges.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I have a drinker in my family and the stress it causes is horrendous.

Agree, pack up and drive to family or get them to come and get you. 300 miles isn’t as bad as it sounds - 5 hours, and you can stop for breaks. If family can drive a van and get you and your dd and a load of your stuff so much the better. Some trains are running now too - don’t know if that’s an option for you.
If you own the property, tell dp and her daughter to leave. Again, any friends or family who can help make sure that happens?

i would leave now i thought my dh drunk alot he prob drinks that in a week maybe a bit more-but every night thats shocking