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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wtf am I meant to do about this?

228 replies

doorjambjam · 13/06/2020 00:27

Well I know I'm not being unreasonable, but posting for traffic I guess.

I'm due to give birth any day now. I'm 39 weeks plus. Got a DD aged 6. My DP has a history of heavy drinking and we've had a lot of trouble regarding this in the past but I thought we were passed it all. DP has been drinking heavily for weeks now (approx 25 units a night, 4-5 nights a week). We've had a huge argument about it lately and she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop.

Her adult DD is staying with us due to lockdown, and the pair of them are drinking yet again. They'll be up until about 4am probably, then knackered tomorrow, DP will sleep until early afternoon. DP is meant to be my birth partner, DSD is meant to be looking after my DD when I'm in hospital. I have no alternative childcsre for this, as my family are 300 miles away and DP's family are working all kinds of shifts in health care, both households have a member working with covid patients and I can't risk DD staying with them and bringing covid home to the baby. Also, she's never stayed there before and both houses have dogs she's scared of.

I'm clearly going to go into labour at some point in the next 2/3 weeks and neither DP nor DSD seem to think they will need to stay sober to deal with this. Tbh, I'll happily go into hospital and birth alone, as I'm so fed up with DP that I don't think our relationship is going to survive this. But I'm worried about leaving DD, if I end up going into labour when they're both pissed.

Like I say, when I suggested quitting the drink, I just got called controlling. I know in the long run I need to leave. I'm just worried about the giving birth bit.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 13/06/2020 07:36

This is so sad at what is meant to be a special time. I hope you are ok & get sorted. When you have the headspace I would reassess your relationship.

Pugsrus · 13/06/2020 07:40

I think it will be easier to leave now than after you have had the baby ,are you planning on putting her on the birth certificate,or do you have to put the dad ,I don’t know how it works if you planned the baby together,or got with her after your we’re pregnant,
Is there a chance the dad of either child could help you get to your family .
My advice is pack your legal documents,and leave ASAP ,before baby comes,it will be much much harder to leave when baby is here

Pugsrus · 13/06/2020 07:41

I forgot I meant to say ,don’t put her on the birth certificate,you don’t need the grief

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 13/06/2020 07:41

@ProfessorSillyStuff - I think (s)he knows something!
No further advice OP, just a handhold 💐

1moreRep · 13/06/2020 07:42

firstly, a few points need to be clarified:

who owns the home
are you married
is there another parental figure in your dds life?
do you work?
what's the financial situation?
does dp work?
where does dsd usually live?

you do not have to live like this, you deserve better.

however, i can appreciate you may need to "survive" for now

any close friends or parents of dds friend you could ask?

Ernieshere · 13/06/2020 07:46

Do Mother & Baby residential units let siblings stay?

pictish · 13/06/2020 07:51

It’s not even that she’s a soak...it’s the nastiness, lack of insight and petty vengeful attitude. The drinking just wraps the whole package up into a waste of time. I’m so sorry she’s like this. It’s no use to you is it?

SunshineCake · 13/06/2020 07:52

Definitely do what *@ProfessorSillyStuff said. If you are sure it is over don't ask your rubbish partner again to be an adult.

AJPTaylor · 13/06/2020 08:03

Least worst option is the 300 mile trip and relocating back home.

OfTheNight · 13/06/2020 08:17

the next day when I woke up she'd added snide lines onto my shopping list like 'a personality' 'a life'.

Oh OP, when I read this my heart sank. My Ex did similarly horrible things and it has left my self esteem in tatters.

Please reach out to your midwife, any friends and your relatives for help. If you open up, you’ll be surprised by the level of support out there. Wishing you so much luck and happiness to come.

Doggybiccys · 13/06/2020 08:17

@GinasWig

Family would sleep on the floor if needed, come on.
@GinasWig - not everyone is blessed with a supportive family or a family member that could physically sleep on a floor.

It winds me up when people on MN just come out with statements like “ can’t your parents help” or “ why don’t you ask grandparents to help” without knowing if the OP has either / what the relationship is like etc.

OP I feel awful for you being so stressed at a time when you should be excited. Others on here have given advice and I would second speaking to midwife. Abuse often Ramos up in pregnancy so they will be trained to support you. Flowers good luck with the baby when she/he arrives

Doggybiccys · 13/06/2020 08:18

Ramps up not Ramos - no idea who he is!

resentfulsecondwife · 13/06/2020 08:19

It sounds like an addiction problem, no amount of talking. pleading, pleasing, reasoning will help. Look for help for partners of alcohol addicted people.

montyliesandmontycries · 13/06/2020 08:19

Is there anyway a family member can come and pick you up?
Otherwise I think you need to get them both out of your flat, starting with the DSD - send her back to wherever she was pre-lockdown. Can your STBEXP go with her immediately?
Speak to your midwife asap, she needs to know the situ. Unfortunately you won't be the first woman in this position.

Gwynfluff · 13/06/2020 08:22

Have you got a friend who can come and babysit - any school friend mum or who would take your younger child. Then like you say, you need to leave. So sorry

SionnachGlic · 13/06/2020 08:31

Ask a trusted friend of yours or a trusted school parent of your DD if they could look after her for a couple of days if necessary when you are in hospital. You will have to explain some of it of course. I would certainly be v sympathetic and, save that I had elderly or at risk person living with me who needed to be protected at all costs from covid, I would take your DD in a flash. Aside from your DP's likely resistence to this & thinking you are being totally unreasonable ('no problem here, nothing wrong with me, totally under control, I can stop anytime I want'..BS) then the temp childcare is a temp issue. It is the longterm you need to sort because you can't return to that environment & care for DD & newborn.

Viviennemary · 13/06/2020 08:32

I think you need to end the relationship. Such s heavy drinker wouldn't be safe around a new born baby.

B0bbin · 13/06/2020 08:40

I'm sorry you are going through this. They sound horrendous. It wouldn't be safe to have them involved in childcare. If you can kick them out, definitely do that. If you can get support to do this, please do. Once they're out of the picture, you can make clear decisions about what happens next and try to create a positive and loving environment to bring a new baby into. Flowers

GwenSaturn · 13/06/2020 08:49

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Your 'D'P's behaviour is disgusting, just unforgivable... You deserve so much better and so does your poor DD, all of this must be so unsettling for her.

You need to make other plans urgently. You can't trust either of them now. Is there somewhere you can go? Can you ask them to leave? Talk to your midwife about your options.

Good luck OP Thanks

fourandnomore · 13/06/2020 08:52

This sounds so difficult and I agree with pp that say it is easier now than once the baby is here. You will be tired, trying to juggle this horrible situation with parenting your daughter and looking after a newborn, I think you would be better at home alone with your kids and ask a friend to have dd to stay while you’re in labour or if low risk have a home birth, I have offered many times to be there to look after older children while mum is in labour and lots of people would be willing to do it I’m sure, even without knowing the situation. I really hope you are able to get them out for your own sanity and the safety and comfort of your children.

Pelleas · 13/06/2020 08:56

Another who thinks the best thing you can do is get this toxic pair out of your house and life. No one with a modicum of decency should be behaving towards you like that - let alone your DP who should be your mainstay in your pregnancy. Wishing you luck.

SunshineSusan14 · 13/06/2020 09:04

This is so sad. Echo what others have said about getting out or getting them out. It will be so much harder with a newborn baby.

I know it's not ideal to be making all these huge changes at this stage but you can do it. You may have weeks before labour and it could only take a day or so to drastically make the changes you and your dd so desperately need.

Beautiful3 · 13/06/2020 09:04

I would kick them out and ask a friend to help out. Speak to family and talk to them about it. I'm sure they would help out.

GinasWig · 13/06/2020 09:14

@doggysbiccys op said I don't know where my family would stay - no rooms here and nothing is open to hire

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 13/06/2020 09:17

how is your dd coping now?
is your dp meant to be part of your family with a new baby?
does your dsd always live with you?